That Quiet Place in the Woods

Chapter Twenty, Part Two - I Could Hear the Siren Sound

2009-06-24T09:56:00.000-07:00

"So what do you do here?" The kid with the raccoon ears, Jimmy, asked. He had a canvas set up against a tree beside him, and he was painting the way the river under the zen pagoda moved. Quickly, like the approaching end of a good book (Narrator: think Bel Canto), slowly, like watching the Curious Case of Benjamin Button, minutes becoming hours, until you look at your watch, and realize it's time to say "good morning, guys," to your friends in the theater seats next to you.

"That's one bridge I plan on crossing when I get to it," AWC replied. She didn't really have any painting skills herself, so she was braiding the long yellow hair of her new muse, Sunny. Sunny wasn't as hyper as Sally, which made AWC sad, but she seemed relatively happy.

Jimmy paused at the comment. It was an answer he did not expect. He shrugged and dipped his paintbrush back into the water.

"So, best soundtrack ever?" AWC wondered if she could lug her typewriter outside. She decided she couldn't and began making leaf jewelery instead.

Jimmy paused and tried to decide. "This makes my head hurt."

"Ow, yeah, you're right," AWC said.

"I brought muffins!" The Wallaby was hopping up the dirt trail. "Who wants muffins? I have chocolate chip muffins, and blueberry muffins, and other types of delicious muffinosity I baked myself, in the hot roasty climates of my homeland!" He grinned merrily. "Australia!"

AWC stared at the muffins. She, like all the other forest critters, knew that the greatest baker of muffins there ever was, ever in the history of forever, etcetera, etcetera, was the wallaby. "Muffins..... wait," her eyebrows raised. "Are you trying to bribe me into finishing the book you lent me so I can return it?"

"Um..." The wallaby looked at the ground. "Well..."

"I'm sorry, it's just that I started Bel Canto, and it really is one of those attention grabbers," AWC clutched a fistful of empty air. "See? Grabs the attention. Like this."

The wallaby pouted. "But I'm tired of reading horrible fanfiction on the internet..."

"Ooh! Ooh! Harry and Hermione forever!" AWC exclaimed.

"You sick, twisted infidel..." Jimmy shook his head.

"They had chemistry. Do you know how I know?" AWC folded her arms.

"Uh... no. Why." Jimmy asked.

"Because I know I'm like Hermione and I'd never go out with Ron! It just wouldn't happen!"

"But you'd go out with Harry?" The wallaby asked skeptically. "Isn't he like, the definition of angsty?"

"No, he's mangsty," AWC said. "That's like, four times more manly than angsty."

"More like three, at best," Jimmy argued.

"Oh it's definitely four," AWC laughed, "at the very least."

"We could always ask that guy from Mulan..." the wallaby mused. "I think he lives on the suzumebachi's lawn."

"No need, I'm leaving anyway." The awc stood up and grabbed Dorian, who had been trying to catch a fish by casting his zipper out into the river, without success. He hadn't been clever when he was a vampire, and he wasn't clever now. "I have to go be hopelessly lost. I told Paolo I'd stop by his foresty habitat, and I forget where it is."

"Oh," Jimmy said. "I think you take a left at the first break in the trees... and then..."

"Er, I'll be fine," AWC interrupted. "But I've really got to go."

"Me too," Jimmy said, standing up as well. "I've got to get back to my own forest."

"Your own forest?" AWC was puzzled. "For... how long? Why?"

"A little while at least. It's my forest. You know?" Jimmy looked around. "The worst that ever happens to your mindfriends here is Narcissa may split them into an evil side, or a silver dog may spontaneously attack. In my forest, most of the creatures are high."

"High?" The wallaby asked. "I don't understand..."

"Yeah, what do you mean?" AWC asked.

"Er... it's not going to make sense to you. But I've got to go home. I'll visit again, though."

And with that, he stepped into the river, where Narcissa had placed the portal. As he disappeared, various random items came flying out of the river, much to the startlement of AWC and the wallaby. They yelled and ran around in frightened circles while the cyclone of items flew around them.

"Augh!" The wallaby yelled as a knife flew toward his face.

"Got it!" AWC grabbed it out of the air. "Oooh, shiny."

It was, indeed, a shiny knife, with a scorpion pattern on the side. "This is oddly reminiscent of Princess Mononoke, do you not think so?"

"I think..." the wallaby choked as the storm died down and the woods grew quiet again. "this forest is absolutely insane."

Suddenly, without warning, the entire forest became pitch black. The sounds of frightened woodland creatures muttering to one another grew louder and more frantic, squirrels scolding, 'you should have paid the electric bill, you should have paid the electric bill...' owls questioning 'who, who, who could have done this?' drunken raccoons falling over one another in fits of giggles wondering 'where have all the stars gone?'

A voice, superhuman in its intensity and spookiosity spoke above the forest din. "DARKNESS FALLS ACROSS THE LAND. THE MIDNIGHT HOUR IS CLOSE AT HAND. CREATURES CRAWL IN SEARCH OF BLOOD, TO TERRORIZE Y'ALL'S NEIGHBORHOOD..."

A glowy white fantome strongly resembling a young african american male with the head of an angry lion, and huge hairy paws with claws like daggers rose up out of the darkness. AWC stood trembling as she watched the white head turn slowly her direction, it's bulging yellow eyes shining in the light of the newly appeared full moon.

"AND WHOSOEVER SHALL BE FOUND, WITHOUT THE SOUL FOR GETTING DOWN, MUST STAND AND FACE THE HOUNDS OF HELL, AND ROT INSIDE A CORPSE'S SHELL..."

"AWC!" the wallaby hissed. "AWC! It's the ghost... the spirit of... the THRILLER!"

"Run! Runnn!" AWC pushed the wallaby into action as she herself also began to sprint away from the creature. "Darn it! I can't believe that something crazy and evil attacks the minute that Narcissa and her Shadow are in Euroland, Shadow's gone to wolfy boot camp, and Jimmy left me with nothing but this really sharp and probably dangerous weapon!" She looked down at the knife. "Wait..."

The wallaby hopping against her protested. "Violence won't fix this!"

"But what do we do? It's swooping closer!" AWC exclaimed. Truly, the beast was close behind them.

"We have to dance, AWC! It's the only way!"

"I can't learn the thriller!!!" AWC said, "Especially under such stress!"

"It's easy," Moe the Giraffe said, appearing out of the shoulders. "First, you put your right arm up and out, then put your right leg out. Remember to keep your limbs all limp and spooky looking!"

The wallaby followed his directions. "Next," Moe said, "Bring them back in, and move out your left arm and leg this time!"

~ ~ ~

Jack the thief was strolling through the darkend woodlands. He was always so used to operations of stealth taking place in darkness, that the forest blackout didn't bother him one bit. His friend, on the other hand, a large strip of bacon with a face, arms, and legs, was very frightened by the darkness. Most animals are sort of fond of bacon... it's kind of delicious.

"I heard it something over here," Jack said, fairly sure of himself.

"Are you sure of yourself?" The piece of bacon asked.

"Why yes."

"Okay." The bacon wasn't really a complainer, so he just went with it.

Soon, the two creatures could see a hazy light coming from a clearing in the forest. They heard the rhythm of the music, and were mildly alarmed by its intensity. "What is this?" Jack asked, as he pushed through the trees, the piece of bacon tagging along.

The sight that met them was a disturbing one. All of the creatures in the Heavenly forest were alligned in some sort of psychotic dance formation, twisting and shaking to the rhythm of what only can be described as the spirit of the thriller. Meanwhile, the actual spirit of the thriller, a phantom in a tight black leather ensemble, was hovering above them, watching curiously as they tried to replicate epic dancedom.

Jack proceded to freak out, running around in circles, while the bacon found a place in the bushes to hide. "Who's going to save us?" Jack asked, very upset. "The ghost of Michael Jackson is forcing all my good friends to abandon reason and sense and just dance!"

"Gonna be ok..." the bacon sang.

"Da da doo doo," Jack chorused.

"Wait," the bacon said, "I'm pretty sure someone's missing."

"You're right," Jack said, "the suzumebachi. Usually she's not all that far away from AWC. But I don't see her or her animated rabbit doll anywhere!"

Suddenly, the spotlights that had been swinging around the clearing fixed upon a target on the top of one of the taller trees. Some shape crouched there, fangs bared, eyes red with fury. It had two big arms on either side of its body, and one huge muscular arm coming out of its back. "IT IS I," the creature said, "TRI-ARM THE DESTROYER. AND I WILL DESTROY THIS MOCKERY OF A BEAT!"

With that, the thing leapt from the tree and onto the back of Michael Jackson's ghost. They fell to the ground and wrestled for a while. Tri-arm was pretty good at wrestling, due to the extra limb. Everytime Tri-arm got knocked onto the back, they used their arm to push them back up again. Michael Jackson's claws and fangs were no matched for Tri-arm's, and soon, the ghost was immortally wounded. "Billie Jean," the ghost choked with its last breath, "is not... my lover..." and with that, he disappeared.

"HAIL TRI-ARM!" Tri-arm yelled, raising fists into the air victoriously. "RAAAAAH"

The ground beneath him parted, and he leapt into the chasm, which soon closed up again.

All the creatures sat down immediately; they were tired of dancing. AWC glared at the wallaby. "I thought you said that violence couldn't fix this!"

The wallaby laughed nervously. "Yeah, well, I was just trying to be an advocate for peace. It's not my fault!" He was met by the disapproving glances of many a creature. "Rachel challenged me! I had no choice but to accept!"

"The... nevermore... moral of the story is?" Raven the raven asked, stretching out his tired talons.

"Why the heck didn't I just stab the guy?" AWC said, staring at Jimmy's knife, which she still had clutched in her palm.

Chapter Twenty ~ Now my feet won't touch the ground

2009-06-18T06:44:00.000-07:00

AWC's brow furrowed with intense concentrationalism. She had made the decision that morning, at 12:03 AM, to get off of her lazy rear and actually write something.

Narrator: Wait... has it stricken anyone as odd that the Anonymous.Writer.Character hasn't actually written anything within these past nineteen chapters?

Producer: Argh! Stop asking questions! The plot-holes are veiled thinly enough as it is!

Narrator: I was just trying to be inquisitive. That's supposedly the key to happiness. Staying inquisitive.

"There... was a boy..." AWC started to sing, as she typed. "A very strange enchanted boy... they say he wandered very faaaar..."

"AWC!" The suzumebachi buzzed into the zen pagoda through the front door. "Stop singing! It's interfering with my buzzing!"

"I'm sorry," AWC said. "It's just, sitting at a typewriter... I was overcome with song!"

"That's the worst excuse I've ever heard," the suzumebachi said. "And I told you not to watch Moulin Rouge. That movie makes you sob for hours and hours, and forest floods are extremely unpleasant to those of us who can't fly!" She looked across the room where Lemony was sleeping on the couch cushion, with Florence perched watchfully on the armrest. "Like your rabbit."

"I think all movies make me cry." AWC hummed and considered. "Wait... there has to be some movie that doesn't make me cry. Oh yeah. Star Wars."

"No, you cried during Star Wars!"

"Tears of boredom don't count," AWC replied.

There was a knock on the door. Florence leapt into the air in a flurry of feathers, and flew straight at the door. "I'll get it! I'll get it!"

Lemony woke with a start, then dashed at the door as well. "No I'll get it!"

Florence and Lemony stopped at the threshold. They remembered then that the zen pagoda didn't actually have a door, just a spacious opening in an elegantly carved doorframe. Doors themselves aren't very zen. Doorways, on the other hand...

"It's the dragon lady!" The critters exclaimed simultaneously.

Neck curled down awkwardly so that she could see into the little zen pagoda, the dragon lady called out. "AWC, are you there, AWC?"

AWC got up from her typewriter and slowly, determinedly approached the zen doorway. "What are you doing here, Loretta?"

"I just came to tell you we're throwing a party of intense awesomeosity to celebrate our daring escape from the mines!" The dragon lady grinned. "It's going to be a wonderful party, the entire forest is invited. There will be food, there will be beverage, there will be musical chairs and Mr. Blue heron's going to cheat, just like he always does!"

"Oh wonderful!" AWC exclaimed, "I love being shoved off of chairs by egotistical avians!"

"I know," the dragon lady agreed, "It'll be just like old times."

"Let's go on a walk and compose the guest list," AWC said.

The dragon lady and the rabbit girl headed out into the deep dark forest. One by one, they encountered all of their heavenly forest friends, who agreed to attend the festivities, including the highly respected, greatly beloved pirate queen. Unfortunately, Shadow the angry wolf had to pupsit on that day, the tome of superiority was in hiding, Forget-me-not was in Alligator City, and Jack the thief was busy with a mission stealing some sort of gem from some mysterious cavern in some location in the middle of elsewhere.

"I think that's everyone," AWC said, checking off the box next to Moe's name. The two were on the sandy path that lead to the zen pagoda, their mission nearly completed. "Wait, stop!"

The dragon lady looked around the path. "Why? What?"

AWC beckoned Loretta to follow, and went off the path across the grass, to a little sandy place by the ever flowing zen river. "We must pay our respects," AWC said, kneeling in the grass.

"To... oh..." Loretta realized. There was a marble slab on a tiny grave, with the name Sally scribbled across in pink sharpie.

"WHY, Sally, WHY?" AWC said, sobbing, rolling over off her knees and lying flat facedown in the grass. "You were so young, so beautiful. Oh, Sally... you were the best muse I've ever had. I first listened to Interpol on you, and together we discovered the wonders of Coheed and Cambria..."

"Coheed and Cambria?" Loretta made a face. "Seriously?"

"Is there no world for tomorrow, if we wait for today?" AWC sang softly.

"There is... something wrong with you." Loretta shook her dragony head disappointedly.

"Excuse me, crying lady and scary dragon?" a small raccoon peered out from behind the tombstone.

"YOU!" AWC growled. "This grave belongs to Sally! My beautiful muse!"

"I'm sorry," the raccoon looked very scared. It could have been because of AWC's harsh tone, or it could have been because there was a large dragon with fangs and claws peering curiously down at it. Whatever reason, the raccoon began trembling. "It's just... I'm lost!"

"Awww, poor little raccoon..." the dragon cooed maternally. "What's your name, small one?"

"Nancy," the raccoon sniffed. "I lost my kid!"

"Come on, Loretta, it's obviously lying. Do you seriously believe there's a random raccoon kid running around this vast forest that we don't know about?" AWC folded her arms. She felt a little foolish for scolding the poor raccoon, and so she was pouting.

"This isn't my forest... my forest is darker, and all the animals are different, and there's not a giraffe, and the cabin we live in is there!" the raccoon said. "I'm not lying, honest. It's a little peaceful cabin, in the middle of the Painter's Forest!"

"A small home in the middle of a big forest." AWC frowned. "Sounds really, really familiar. Should we trust it?"

"I don't know," Loretta said. "How did you get here?"

"I chased a white stag..." the raccoon shrugged. "It was pretty... I thought Jimmy could paint it!"

"Who's Jimmy?" AWC asked.

"My kid!" The raccoon was getting more and more anxious.

"What's up?" Narcissa appeared spontaneously between Loretta and AWC. "I could sense the gathering of like minds and I just had to stop by. How are my darling friends?" She was grinning slyly, so Loretta and AWC were reluctant to discuss current events with her, uncertain if this was Narcissa or Narcissa's shadow. "Oh my glider!" Narcissa gasped. "Nancy, what are you doing here?"

"Narccy!" the raccoon jumbed up into Narcissa's arms. "I'm so glad you're here! I'm lost, and there's this dragon, and this girl who looks like kind of like Jimmy only she's alot, alot, alot, alot alot more grumpy..."

"I'm not grumpy..." AWC said. She leaned in to whisper to Loretta. "Loretta, am I grumpy?"

"You were grieving. It's ok. I forgive you," Loretta replied.

"So how do you know... Nancy, was it?" AWC asked.

"Oh, I go between forests. Because I know absolutely everyone." She smiled slyly again. "I've got everybody typed... and then I typed up their types. I can get inside pretty much anyone's head."

"Can you take Nancy home?" AWC asked.

"Not really," Narcissa said. "I think Jimmy has to come get her."

"How will he know what world she's in?" Loretta asked.

"Easy. He's like us. He should be able to sense our gathering just like I could. Then, I'm sure I can open up a portal he can come through. You guys take Nancy to the zen pagoda, while I try that. Poor creature could use some peace."

"I don't know..." AWC said. "Narcissa, the only creature besides my mindpets who ever go in there is Suzumebachi, and she's my sister... I don't even know..."

The raccoon looked up at her with big, sparkly masked eyes.

"Uh..." AWC groaned. "Okay, come on." She held out her arms for creature.

Nancy looked cautiously up at Narcissa, who nodded reassuringly, and the raccoon leapt into AWC's arms. "Alack!" AWC exclaimed. "Heavy! Oof!"

"Hurry back once you drop her off," Narcissa said, "We need to all be here together to get Jimmy to appear."

"She's right," Loretta chuckled. "We need to harness the power of three. I call being Piper."

"Ooh! I'm Pru. She's powerful," Narcissa smiled.

"Ack that makes me Phoebe... AWC groaned again. "Dude..."

"Haha, your powers SUCK!" The dragon lady stuck out her tongue.

"Maybe I won't come back!" AWC exclaimed. Nancy tensed in AWC's arms. "No, no, it's ok, I was just kidding." AWC sighed. "Come on. Oh, and you'd better be nice to Lemony."

To Be Continued...

Chapter Nineteen ~ Love lifts us up where we belong!

2009-04-29T17:04:00.001-07:00

None of the creatures would ever suspect what lurked deep within the shadier reasons of the Heavenly forest. Hidden from the eyes of the common furry woodland creatures, hidden by foliage, by darkness, by weather and time, was a creature older than even than the walrus, the silver dog, or even the narrator...

Narrator: ....I'm not old. Just youthfully challenged. Hmph.

Hmm, well anyway, this thing, would at this time venture away from its place in the recesses of forestliness, to prey upon the best loved half human ever to walk the winding paths... our own AWC...

"LEMONY!"

The rabbit winced and massaged his long furry ears. "I really wish she wouldn't yell so much."

Florence snorted. "I just wish she'd remember I exist every now and then!"

"Lemony!" AWC came running into the zen pagoda, skidding across the zen pagoda floor in her besocked feet and colliding head first with a wall. "Ouch! Help!"

The rabbit hopped over to assist, while the owl stayed put, turning his beak/nose to the ceiling. "Well she didn't ask me to help," he said.

AWC righted herself, and both owl and rabbit could see that in her arms she had a tightly wrapped tissue paper package. "Look! I brought a new friend!! He's going to live with us now."

Lemony sniffed the tissue paper. "What is it?" he asked.

The tissue paper exploded into a thousand little bits that rained on the floor all around them, startling the rabbit while sending it flying backwards, hitting the owl, and propelling both into the air. The glass coffee table broke their fall.

Where the tissue paper package had been, there was now an elegant Italian leather handbag. "Aww," AWC poked it and smiled. "It's playing." The bag zipped and unzipped itself, muttering a low growl. "Aren't you a cutie? Yes you are... yes, yes you are..."

"I don't LIKE IT," Lemony complained, rubbing a bruised rabbit foot. That can't be good luck.

"Nor do I!" Florence said, forgetting about his insecurity issues to advocate the removal of the dangerous accessory.

"It's not an IT," AWC corrected, stroking the handle of the currently muttering purse. "HIS name is Dorian," she smiled. "Yay..."

"WHY are you YAYING that... that..." Lemony shuddered.

The handbag growled at the rabbit.

"Dorian! Play nice!" AWC stood up. "Lemony, Florence, watch Dorian. I've promised to meet up with Jack and Shadow this afternoon and if I'm late both will be displeased."

"I'll get the choke chain," the owl hooted and flew out a window.

"I'll find the vinegar spray," Lemony replied and hopped into the kitchen.

"Such dramatic mindpets," AWC shook her head. "No matter." She picked up the violent purse and kissed it. "Farewell lil Dorian! Mommy will be back soon."

***
AWC read over the letter again. "That's great, Shadow."

"Great? It doesn't make a bit of sense. Then again, neither do you. No wonder you understand it." Shadow the angry wolf rolled his eyes.

Jack the theif rubbed his mask thoughtfully. "They want to train you to lead your own wolf pack. It's an honor, isn't it?"

"YES, but," Shadow glared at Jack, "I'm an OWL. You know, fly, kill mice, dole out wisdom to less intelligent woodland creatures." He looked from AWC to Jack.

"NO!" AWC clawed at her face and ears. "Noooo..."

The wolf and the thief both stared. "Uh..." they simultaneously questioned in a nonverbal manner.

"Continue," AWC said. "You weren't done ranting, Shadow."

"But you..." Jack started. He shook his head vigorously. "Nevermind."

"Yes..." Shadow's eyes narrowed. "Nevermind..."

"So you're going?" AWC asked.

"Of course I'm going. If they want an owl to lead a wolf pack, what can I say?" He shrugged his furry shoulders which he thought were feathery. "I guess the wolves just aren't cutting it these days."

"You'll be great, Shadow," AWC and Jack both encouraged. "When do you go?"

"In a month or two," The wolf said. "Before I leave I'll have to take care of some business I guess. I don't want the gnomes to have another coup. They try to do that everytime I leave." He shook his head. "I'm surrounded by nonsense and rebellious lawn gnomes. Also, there's Narcissa. She's a troublemaker. She's begun cloning all her favorite television actors so she can have her own army of rampant attractiveosity."

Jack and AWC stared blankly.

"I know. Come to think of it," Shadow rose to his feet, "I should start now."

"Let us help!" Jack said, "I'm sure I could stop Narcissa's army with my robin hood archery skills," he posed an imaginary arrow in an imaginary bowstring, and released. "Pyu! Pyu pyu!"

"Yes, and I could stop the coup by filling every gnome's head with doubt and self-loathing!" AWC grinned. "Suppress the proletariat!!! SUPPRESSS"

"That's enough suppression for you," Shadow said, rolling his eyes again. He really does that quite alot. "Just please don't get into any unreasonable amounts of trouble, okay? I'll see you guys later." With that, he skulked off into the forest.

"Do you think Big Brother heard me?" Jack cringed.

"I sure hope he heard me," AWC smiled. "What a good citizen I am."

"Aren't you an anarchist?" Jack asked.

"No! It's not true Big Brother, honest!" AWC dove underneath a nearby bush. "No!!! Only bad people are anarchists! Like... like... rabid dogs and walruses..."

"Did somebody say Big Brother?" The local friendly wallaby hopped over to the thief and the cowering anonymous writer. In his paws he held a clipboard... to the shock and horror of Jack and AWC, he began to sing.

Would you loan a rebellious fist?
To bring down big bad brother?

Only have to sign your name,
And recommend five others...

Could you help? Please?
What about thee?

At the end of this song, AWC started a slow clap, only to have her hand stopped by Jack. "AWC," he said, "Don't forget. We're shocked and horrified."

"Oh yes, I forgot." AWC laughed nervously. "I love America. Really I do. If I lived in it, I would be really happy I'm sure. But I don't. I live in a magical forest. With other... um... ideas..." She nervously wrung her rabbitears.

"Did someone say America?" Paolo the foreigner snow leopard entered the clearing with a scowl on his face. "Boo. I'm an anglophile. Like all the cool chaps. Wot wot. I like Skins." He sat down next to AWC, then noticing the wallaby, stood up again. "Is that a petition? Is it for a liberal cause?"

"Yes..." the wallaby looked hopeful. "Do you suppose you could sign...?"

"I regret that I do not have poseable thumbs." The snow leopard shrugged. "Sorry, mate."

"There's bad news Paolo," AWC said. "Shadow's going to go away to leadership land, and we'll be lacking in the typical common sense faculties for an extended period of time." She hmmed and frowned. "Actually," she said, "nevermind. I'm quite used to this and so I don't believe it qualifies as bad newsdom."

"Actually," Paolo's eyes lit up, "I sense oncoming liberalism... yaaay... libbeeerrraaaaaallliiiissssm..."

"All I sense is medicinal M-J," Mary-anne the maneater said, jumping out of a nearby bush. Maneaters frequent bushes. It's good cover. It covers them from the prying eyes of men who do not want to be eaten. Thanks to the bushes, they think they're safe. They lie out on beach towels, happily trying to tan in the dark forest. Then comes the maneater. Then she eats them. They're delicious.

Narrator: Sorry. I'll admit I went too far with the awkwardosity.
AWC: Maybe a little.
Mary-anne: Stop making me hungry.
Narrator: Sorry....

"Medicinal mahjong???" AWC exclaimed. "This is just plain wrong! It's against my beliefs. Stand for this we must not! Dangerous asian games!" She scurried away from the group. "I've got to run home," she called back. "I'm going to make signs. First thing tomorrow, we will begin the protest! I don't want my darling pet rabbit being forced to play games of skill, strategy, calculation, and possibly chance!"

~ ~ ~

"Stay away..." Lemony the rabbit warned, holding a large metal towel rack in a defensive stance across his chest. "Do not me attack you with this towel hanger thing!"

Dorian the handbag cackled pursey laughter as it slowly advanced upon the terrified rabbit.

"Oh, look at my wrist, I'm late!" Lemony jumped up and scampered off, trying to make his way through the heaps of garbage that the raging purse had left lying all over the zen pagoda floor. "I'm late! I'm late! For a very important... Florence!"

Florence flew in the window, weilding the famed hello kitty fire extinguisher.

"Florence, you came back for me!" The rabbit hopped up onto the coffee table. The purse staggered over to it Samara-style and jumped up repeatedly trying to nab the little bunny.

"Mlhm... Mlahem, Mlahh!" Florence encouraged with the nozzle in his beak. He shook his head back and forth, and white foam spewed from the fire extinguisher, straight at the crazed but oh so stylish purse.

"Yum yum..." Dorian the wild purse was mumbling at its lapine quarry, when its creepy calls were drowned out by the gush of the chemical fire eliminator. "Not yum! NOT YUM... angry angry..."

"Hey what's going on?"

Lemony and Florence looked over to the window that Florence had left open. Peering through said window were the faces of Moe the Giraffe, and Raven the Raven.

"Nevermore...?" The raven questioned wisely.

"Wow. That purse definitely looks kind of evil." Moe stuck his long giraffey neck further through the window. "Hey, mindfriends of the anonymous one, whose wild purse is that?"

"AWC's!" Lemony yelled, jumping just out of reach of the purse's snapping jaws. "Its name is Dorian... I think CUJO would have suited it better!"

"Guy names," Moe mused. "That wild purse definitely does not look male to me."

"Yeah, well neither does Hannah Montana," Raven said. "But she keeps telling us she's got the best of both worlds, so I guess we don't know, do we? Nevermore."

"Haha, touche on behalf of both Hannah and Miley!" Moe said gleefully.

"Um..." Florence was trying to fend off Dorian by pushing gusts of wind at it with his wings, but it wasn't working. "Some help guys?!"

"Oh sure," Moe offered, tossing a fluffy pillow in through the window. "Use this to fight off the beast!"

Florence went to grab the pillow, but Dorian bit it first. Feathers flew everywhere, throughout the zen pagoda. The door flew open, and AWC stormed inside, only to be met by a storm of feathers to the face.

"This can only mean one thing," she growled. AWC stomped over to where the wild purse was now cowering from its master under the table, and she yanked it out by the italian leather handles. "EDWARD! You disguised yourself as a purse to stalk me!"

"It was the prettiest thing I could find to disguise myself as," the purse moaned. "Something worthy of my immortal beauty. So rare. So italian leather. I even smell good... for no reason! However, as a purse, my magic is severely limited, and I've found that I can't change myself back!" The wild purse began to sob. "I just wanted to hug your bunny rabbit, and it was so afraid, it ran! I'll never get loved by innocent victims... I mean... objects of my love... ever again!"

The purse sobbed, while AWC reluctantly petted it. "there there. Be this as a lesson to you, Edward, don't go looking through volturi spellbooks for transfiguration recipes. You'll end up as an overpriced italian item every time."

"I know that now," the handbag said through tears. "Can I still stay here?"

"NO!" Florence and Lemony shouted simultaneously.

"I'll keep you on a chain in the yard, okay?" AWC said. "I'll take you for walks frequently, and out there, Bill can keep an eye on you. If there's anyone more immortally sketchy than Edward, it's Bill Kaulitz." She frowned. "And Edward is a cheesy name. You're going to stay Dorian."

"Dorian..." the purse mused.

"That's right." AWC turned to the crowd. "Now... WHO MADE THIS BIG MESS?"

AWC: I did?
Narrator: No. That was just a Big Comfy Couch reference that nobody's gonna get.
Crickets: Ka-CHIRP
Dorian: I wonder what gnome blood tastes like. Is it better than heroin?
Mary-Anne: Medicinal M-J <3
Paolo: Ah... liberals...
Lemony: Liberals? Oh, so THAT's what mutant transfigured hungry purses are called?
Shadow: Yes, Lemony.
Raven: I bet you're not gonna guess what I'm gonna say next. Oh snap you did! Nevermore! That's right!
Moe: Political controversy!
AWC: (eyes squinted shut) apples apples apples apples...

Narrator: More political controversy in every episode means the plot must be getting thicker! Oh, and why did AWC randomly scream in the converstion with her wolf and bandit friends? (*shuffles through pages of script*) I can only figure it was because she was talking to a bandit and a wolf.

Chapter Eighteen ~ Happiness is a glue gun

2009-04-06T14:30:00.000-07:00

Another day of twisting, curly tendrils of time wrapped tightly around AWC's ankles as she sat in the silence place. "If I had thicker socks I might slip them off," she said to herself inside her brain, "If I had thicker socks and longer hair."

Quietness hung around dangerously. "What a knot I'm in," she explained as the rain began to fall in heavy bouquets. "While the world around is so pretty."

Elton John came and sat down beside her. "You know what movie was good?" He asked.

"What?" AWC asked, looking up at him and knowing that a grain of pure wisdom was on it's way.

"Australia. With Nicole Kidman."

"You're only saying that because you contributed music to the soundtrack," AWC said, "you're just trying to get publicity through my published thoughts." She frowned. "Stop that!"

"Stop what?"

"Trying to worm your way into the minds of the nonexistant readers I don't know about!"

"What are you talking about?"

AWC glared. "Get out of my dreams now!"

Elton John grinned. "NEVER! Would you like a cupcake?"

***

"NOOOO!" AWC woke up screaming on the floor of her zen pagoda. The first thing she noticed once she had comforted her terrified pet rabbit was the shadow of a face in the window. She almost dropped the half filled mug of coffee she was holding up to Lemony's rabbity lips, but realized in time that it was only one of the lawn gnome substitutes.

"Stop watching me sleep, Bill!" AWC exclaimed. "It's creepy!"

"But I miss you!" Bill Kaulitz replied. "You never spend hours gazing at my hair anymore."

"I've moved on!" AWC said.

"To whom, Elton John? Yes that's right. I know you dream about Elton John. I heard you sleeptalk!"

"Oh my Oprah! You're even worse than Edward Cullen!" AWC frowned and tsk-tsked. "That kid really wanted to live on my lawn. Then eat me. He said something about me being his own brand of mutton or something. I never really could make sense of anything he said."

"But I'm different!" Bill cried, "you said we'd last forever!"

"Forever turned out to be longer than I thought." AWC shrugged. "Go figure."

A howl resonated from somewhere in the woods around the pagoda. "I could always eat him!" Boomed the voice of Shadow the angry wolf who thinks he's an owl. "He'd never ever bother you ever again. You'd just have to get someone to clean up the pellets after. I can hack up some real gross ones sometimes."

AWC and Lemony wrinkled their noses in disgust simultaneously. "I wonder what he pukes when he thinks he's puking pellets," Lemony whispered.

"Why oh why would you ever ask yourself that question?" AWC mourned. "Masochist rabbit! Those mental images are going to haunt you your entire life!"

"Not really. But the ones of Elton John's muffin will."

"IT WAS A CUPCAKE, OKAY?"

Another howl echoed, closer. "I'm really going to eat him guys!"

"SAVE ME!" Bill Kaulitz hammered on the window with his fists.

"AWC?" Sally wandered into the room and sat on the floor next to Lemony and AWC. "Why's Shadow gotta be so mean all the time? Coldhearted wolves scare me!"

"Now, now, he's not mean," AWC comforted. "Just really, really, really hungry."

"Oh." Sally frowned. "There was something I was supposed to tell you but I forgot."

"I'M REALLY GOING TO EAT HIM!"

"Shadow!" AWC called out, "not today!"

"CAN I EAT HIM TOMORROW?"

"No," AWC said, "Now go clean your pellets up! Go!"

In the window, Bill Kaultiz was smiling confidently, because tears of joy would not have been very manly in that situation and he was afraid for his forest position.

"What do you look so happy about?" AWC said, "I still think we need to take a break. Emo tunes aren't good for me right now."

"But what about my hair?" Bill pouted. "You love my hair."

"Oh, Bill, your hair will always be wonderful. But right now I need time to focus on just me. Understand?"

Bill nodded sadly.

"That was awful nice of you," Lemony said.

"Yeah," AWC replied, then whispered, "I couldn't really bear to lose him."

"Bear! That's what I was supposed to tell you!" Sally slapped her forehead. "Henri is spending the night at Mary-Anne's..."

"NO WAY!" AWC leapt to her feet. "I can't believe this! That maneater is sleeping with my bear AGAIN!"

"Well," Lemony reasoned, "she IS a maneater..."

"Which is why I thought my BEAR would be safe..." AWC growled.

"I think you need to invest in more loyal bears," Sally said.

"Baby come back!" a cheesy song began to play just outside the zen pagoda window. "You can blame it all on me!"

"Bill! I need my space!" AWC yelled as she stomped towards the door.

"RUN, BILL, RUN!" Lemony and Sally chorused.

"Eh, he's not gonna make it," Elton John chuckled.

Narrator: Oh wait. Elton John wasn't there. Quick! *roots through scrapped ideas on several loose pages* I need to find some sort of summary that will adequately fix plot-holes, eliminate all the out-of-character actions by characters, add a character or two in because basically no one was in chapter eighteen...
Paolo: That's not my fault! I was visiting Sakuraville!
Dragon Lady: That's not my fault either! I was visiting St. Anarchy's!
The Tome of Superiority: Nothing can ever be my fault. I'm the tome of Superiority, which clearly indicates, well, my superiority. But anyway, I had a date.
Mary-Anne: I was busy sleeping with Henri!
AWC: GRRRRRRRR
Shadow: I was busy trying on random clothing items at the store and taking pictures of how good they made me look.
Jack: It's a good thing for his self confidence that "good" is all relative!
Forget-me-not: I was forgotten.
Moe: I was watching a film with Zac Efron in it.
Dexter: I was trying to compose a plan with which I would sneakily take Bill's place as lawn gnome substitute <3<3<3 (I like to kill the bad people. And really, his hair is extremely sinister.)
Raven: To be, or not to be? To worship, in one way, or another? Who is Love Himself? More interestingly, WHY is Love Himself? Everyone knows where. Everywhere.
Narrator: You know what? Maybe I should interview Gaara of the Desert for the l.g.s. position.
AWC: Narrator! I can handle my own life!
Narrator: apparently you can't.
AWC: This is SO UNFAIR!!!
Narrator: This is SO off topic...
Bill: Baby come back...

Chapter Seventeen ~ Sing it!!!

2009-03-30T16:12:00.000-07:00

Evening had fallen upon the forest, and AWC and a friendly local wallaby were watching the area's talent perform astounding feats. Intermission had just ended, and all the furry woodland creatures were scuffling back to their seats with tofu-dogs and ice cold beverages in paw.

"That's not talent..." the wallaby said. "That's a drunken raccoon." He turned to AWC, who was dancing with her arms raised high over her rabbity ears.

"I love his music," she sighed. "It speaks to me."

"That's what you said about Serj Tankian. And the Fratellis. And Air..."

"Lies!" AWC exclaimed, hands over ears. "Lies spew from his lips like bubblegum toothpaste!"

"OF WHAT DO YOU SPEAK?" The wallaby said indignantly. "My lies taste much better than that!"

"As if," said AWC, turning away dramatically. "Stop ruining this song for me. You whine more than a bitter liberal at a hot dog eating contest. Why can't you guys just accept tradition?"

"Did somebody say bitter liberal?" Paolo pushed through the crowd. "That's my job. Nobody better be taking my job. Unless it's another foreigner. The foreigners can take my job if they want."

"He's right about that though," AWC said nodding vigorously. "Without the cheap foreign labor it would be that much harder to get someone to wallpaper my door."

"Hm... door wallpaper..." the wallaby considered. "I've never thought about it before."

"It gives the allusion of being in a land without time elves or space demons," AWC said. "Total super spacy vortex effect."

"I should hire someone to do that," the wallaby decided.

"I'm available cheap!" Paolo exclaimed.

At that point, several freshman squirrels turned their heads simultaneously and stared.

"Does this remind you..." the wallaby said

"Of the sketchy squirrel - lemurish creeper in the Madagascar film? YES," AWC replied.

"Should we escape?"

"No, diversionary tactics will suffice," AWC kindly corrected.

"What kind of diversion?"

"HEY LOOK! THE WALRUS IS BACK!" AWC's face was overcome with a look of horror. "And she's brought Samara, the blair witch, and that thing from the attic in the Grudge!!!"

None of the squirrels moved or looked remotely frightened.

"Oh CENSORSHIP it's SERJ TANKIAN!" The wallaby pointed at a distant point in the forest and began openly weeping. The squirrels could tell by his good acting skills that something was not correct in the forest way, so they scampered off at top speed back into the abyss.

"Hey!!" AWC shouted after them. "His music speaks to me!"

"Freshmen," Paolo spoke sadly. "They wouldn't understand Serj Tankian. Come to think of it, neither do I. The same goes for the Fratellis. And as for Air..."

"Don't..." AWC glared. "Don't you dare..."

Mary-Anne the maneater and Loretta walked over easily, now that the crowd had dispersed and the clearing was, for the most part, empty. "Did someone say cheap foreign labor?" The dragon lady smiled a fanged smile. "I've been looking for someone to wallpaper my door."

"I've been looking for the president..." Mary-Anne stared off into the distance. "He's missing somehow." At that moment, she recieved a text message. "I have to answer..." she twitched addictedly. "It could be him..."

"Anybody want to put together an intervention?" AWC asked. "I'm sure there's enough people she's in the process of eating who care enough about her to help."

"No, it was only the tortoise," the maneater sighed. "Poor misunderstood sacrastic tortoise."

"I agree, he's a halfway decent tortoise, if ever one lived," Paolo replied, "but what are we intervening with? Her and her phone or her and the president?"

"It's pretty fifty fifty. I think his picture's still her background." Loretta leaned her dragony neck over the maneater's shoulder and checked. "Yep."

"It looks like too much work." AWC shook her head. "I give up. Maybe the president's just a maneater-eater."

"All the local foxes say he's the antichrist," the wallaby said.

"That's just the foxes." Loretta said.

"I like foxes," Paolo said. "They're all red fluffy and robin hoodlike."

"Lost in love and I don't know much..." the maneater sang.

"Woah. That's too much controversy for one forest. Begone!!!" AWC curled up on the ground, arms over her head. "Thoughts! Conflicting! Confusion!"

"We can save her!" the snow leopard said, "I know just how!"

At that moment, a huge mega-ultra-super-big-flat-screen tv glided down from the sky, floating delicately on the purple spotted yellow breeze. The leopard, dragon, and maneater all leapt onto it, with room for more!!!

"Quick! Hop on!" They chorused, "We can watch Miyazaki films and planet earth, and every movie in the clouds of creation!"

"Ok..." AWC got up dazedly, and followed the light.

"Wait? What about me?" The wallaby asked.

"It's your turn to sing," Paolo said. "You have to go to the stage."

The wallaby hopped away, knowing what it was to obey.

The other four flew away on the magic television set, high into the sky where the wind blows swiftly and the happy golden rays of the setting sun sang orange, red and pink ballads about what it is to live and to die.

Far below, Narcissa stared in awe at the flying electronic device. "The glider," she whispered. "The glider is among us once more."

Chapter Sixteen ~ Lazy days

2009-02-15T18:13:00.000-08:00

"I'm bored. I've got a bad case of ennui." AWC complained to her rabbit while the snowflakes gently fell outside of the Zen Pagoda.

Lemony nodded sympathetically and leaned his head against her knee, falling into a deep, soft sleep.

AWC frowned. "It's so boring today that even my rabbit has fallen asleep. What's up with that?" She gently placed the sleeping lapin on the floor and twirled away across the shiny zen pagoda floor in polka dotted socks. She could see that the window over the kitchen sink was open. "That's odd," she mused, wandering over to close it. "It's snowing... that window shouldn't be open."

THWISHHFFF!!!

A flaming arrow flew through the open window and hit the opposite wall, missing AWC's ears by inches. She could not help but notice there was a note attatched, and the edges were becoming mildly singed. "Egads, no good can come of this..." said she, as the flames began to spread.

"Over here!" AWC's attention was turned to the window, at which the fairy called Forget-me-not did hover. "Catch!" And with that the fairy hurled a Hello Kitty (TM) fire extinguisher that was four times her size at AWC.

AWC stared at the lurid pink metallic fire vanquishing device. "Alright," she said. "But I ordered fries with this. Where are my fries?"

"What? I'm a lawyer! You should have debated the fries issue earlier when fires were being considered. What? Would you forsake your fires for the fries? Then what would become of firefighters? And fryfighters, for that matter. And what of those who fry the fries? Would you take away thousands of jobs from frierfighters across This Great Nation?"

"I'm sorry," AWC said, shaking her head, and wearing a dazed expression. She never could understand anything lawyers had to say.

Frustrated, the fairy flew away.

"I'm sorry..." AWC trailed of dramatically, before aiming the fire extinguisher at the quickly spreading flames, and firing away. "This is why I don't watch Law & Order!!!"

Florence floated down from above and landed in a parrotesque fashion on her shoulder. "I wonder what the note says," AWC pondered.

"I wonder why they can't have just sent it through ME," Florence grumbled in his owly way.

"I'm an excellent messanger."

"Hush you," AWC chided, "You're lucky. Shadow never gets to deliver ANY messages."

"So what? He's a wolf!"

"Shhh!!!"

"I don't get this forest," muttered Florence, shifting his wings and flying away.

Once the fire had, for the most part, been erased, AWC cautiously approached the charred remains of the arrow and unfastened the note. "Great big rocking forest party..." she read aloud, "Be there at five thirty. All characters invited. There will be rice." She paused to ponder. "Well, if there's rice..."

Narrator: Who attends a party for rice? I mean, what is that? Hi, I like you, I enjoy spending time with your... rice?
Raven: NOOOO (*cough* nevermore)
Narrator: What, have a problem with r...
Raven: DON'T SAY IT
Narrator: WHAT? I only said ri...
Raven: No!!!
Narrator: Wait... you're one of those people... those orizaphobics!
Raven: How do you know... about... the disease.....
Narrator: I wikied it.
Raven: ...
Narrator: anyway...

Twenty percent of the woodland creatures appeared at the party on time. Forty percent of the woodland creatures appeared fifteen minutes late. Ten percent arrived early. Twenty nine percent showed up half an hour late.

At six ten, AWC made her barefooted way to the central bonfire in the Heavenly forest, where the party was to be held.

"Welcome friend!" the Dragon lady greeted, soaring up into the sky and breathing fire into the heavens like a many-scaled firework.

"Where's Narcissa?" AWC asked. Narcissa was regularly found with the dragon lady. Dragons and nymphs usually stay together, you see. However, although there were dancing raccoons, the odd sword swallowing beast, and masked turtles in the heat of battle, Narcissa was nowhere to be found.

"Oh, she is most likely writing angst-ridden poetry about photocopiers," Maryanne the Maneater offered.

"Or she's going to surprise us all with dangerous psychological shadows, the better to cause havoc..." Paolo the foreigner snow leopard shook his spotted head. "It's not natural."

"What's not natural is that new flo rida song," AWC corrected.

"Hey! I like it." Paolo pouted, jutting his fangs out to look simultaneously sulky and menacing. "It's groovy, okay?"

The maneater, dragon lady, and AWC stared. "Yeah okay..."

A moment of awkward silence followed, like the koolaid man after we shut him in the walk in freezer.

"It's my birthday," the dragon lady said.

"That's amazing," AWC said. "But my rabbit fell asleep so I forgot to make you a card."

"Happy birthday," Said Paolo, "But I was too busy flying to Nirvana on the wings of spotted moths to purchase for you a gift."

"Congratulations," the maneater said, "But I think I see Narcissa so everyone should probably hide if they don't want to develope multiple personality disorder. I mean, yes, it fits some people very well. Sybil? Made her famous. My cat..."

"Haven't you heard, though?" The tome of Superiority said, "it's called Dissociative identity disorder now."

Narrator: Yeah, he basically came out of nowhere. Don't like it? Deal with it.

"Where did you learn that?" AWC asked.

"That was a clever question, Belinda," the tome replied. "In fact, I wikied it. A wonderful device, wikipedia... almost as valuable as lioncash."

"My name's not Belinda..." AWC said. "My name's..."

"Beatrice! Of course!" The tome of superiority chortled with amusement. "How ever could I have forgotten?"

"It's AWC... don't you care about who I am as a person? Don't you even appreciate the social uniqueity and specialiation of my NAME??" Tears emerged in the corners of her sorrowful eyes.

"Your name is three letters..." The tome shrugged. "I am full of too much knowledge to remember such trivialities. For instance, if you were to ask me to read something you had written? I'd forget. That's just the way it is when you befriend pure genius."

"I knew you wouldn't understand..." AWC said, tossing her long golden hair over one shoulder, and leaving.

In her absence, the maneater, dragon lady, foreigner, and tome stood around awkwardly.

Narrator: My my this is an awkward chapter.

"So... what's her problem?" the maneater asked.

"Err... well... I didn't get her a lemonade. I think that's it." The tome shrugged.

"Ah." The snow leopard nodded. "Yes, I bet that's it. She does enjoy her lemonade."

"Should someone do something?" Loretta asked.

"Nah," Maryanne replied, "She locked her keys in the car. She's not going anywhere. Plus, it's beginning to rain."

"Is it?" The Tome of superiority asked with a gleeful glint in his eye.

Narcissa arrived on the scene, out of breath. "Happy birthday love," she said to the dragon lady, "I'm sorry I'm late. But I've heard the most amazing rumor and I had to spread it 'round, you know?" She chuckled. "You know you love me!"

"Well, what is it then?" Loretta asked, unimpressed.

"Raven's getting married. Tonight! At midnight! By that bonfire!!!" She pointed at the bonfire.

"NO WAY!!!" The others gasped. "To whom???"

"Nobody knows..." Narcissa giggled. "It's all been kept very hush hush. On the DL, if you know what I'm sayin."

"I'm still displeased," the dragon lady said huffily, "even though this is juicy. You were late! And it's my BIRTHDAY!!!"

"Oh, calm down," Narcissa rolled her eyes. "You'll forgive me."

"And why?" Loretta asked.

"I got you Chuck Bass for your birthday."

Narrator: the screaming continued on for a long time afterward, even when all the guests had departed. But meanwhile...

AWC, Shadow the Angry Wolf, Moe the Giraffe, and Jack the theif all sat around a smaller fire, elsewhere in the Humongous Party Arena of Celebration. Tents were being set up, and they were lucky enough to snag spots under one before the rain really hit. AWC was already soaked, however.

"That really was a rotten thing to do to a person," Moe said, shaking his head sadly. "I mean, who invites someone to a party and then forgets their name? It's despicable. It's mean. It's absolutely ludicrously riduculous."

"Yeah I know. I mean, that's almost as bad as not saving somebody a seat at church, a social event, or at one of my amazingalicious plays." Jack snorted. "Horrible. Callous."

"Totally. That's like... oh wait. You're making a big deal out of nothing." Shadow grunted. "Why does no one at this party appreciate football?"

AWC sniffed, choosing to ignore the last comment. "Yeah. And I tried to leave but my car was gone."

Narrator: Somewhere deep in the forest, the tome of superiority was sitting in a cozy armchair next to a telephone, with the phonebook on his lap open to the page of a listing for a local tow truck company. Mad chuckling ensued.

A couple short hours later...

Raven stood in front of the bonfire, a singed note clutched in his wingtips. "Nevermore," he commented wisely. "Well, I don't think I'm late." He pulled a pocketwatch out of his pocket. "Yep. Midnight. Just like it says." He sat down. "I wonder who this secret admirer is..."

"SURPRISE!" Paolo the foreigner snow leopard, Maryanne the Maneater, Loretta the Dragon lady, and Narcissa all came out from their hiding places and began throwing rice merrily at the fellow called Raven. "CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MARRIAGE!!!"

"Nooo!" Raven's eyes grew wide like great big silver dollars. "It can't be! Not! RIICEEEE!!! NEVERMORE!"

He ran away quickly from the heaps of rice being thrown in his direction, but the much too merry partygoers chased him around the laughing bonfire, and did so until the sun came up.

I don't think he's ever going to be the same again.

Chapter Fifteen ~ I just can't take people seriously when they eat bananas

2009-02-03T17:33:00.001-08:00

The birds in the heavenly forest chirped in harmony in the lovely midmorning. Rosy sunlight filled the woods around the Zen pagoda with cheerful fuzzy warm quietness. The walrus was sleeping, so the woodlanders felt safe and happy.

"NOOOO!!!!" AWC woke up in her zen pagoda screaming.

"Oh no!" Lemony exclaimed. "Florence, quick, remember our post-apocalyptic training?"

"Yes!" Florence flew in through the window, first aid kit strapped tightly to his back. "I knew this day would come!"

"Excellent! I'll get the fire extinguisher!"

"I've got the pickaxe!"

With that, the small rabbit and owl both ran out the door doing their best impressions of war cries. "We've got this covered, AWC, don't worry!" Lemony called back. "AAAAIIIIEEEEEE!!!!"

AWC sat and stared. "Well. Don't see that every morning."

"Hey!" AWC heard a shout. A rock came flying through one of the windows of the zen pagoda, crushing the glass into smitherines. "Oh, CRAP!"

"Paolo! You're such a moron! You're supposed to throw small rocks! Now she's got to think up a new window!"

"Why are you always so judgemental of me, Loretta? Ugh!"

"Anyone capable of using logic would see that you can't hurl a huge rock at a window and not expect it to break!"

"Guys, can't you just chill?"

AWC hobbled dazedly over to the hole in the wall and shiny pile of glass on the floor where the window used to be. "This is inconvenient," she said, trying to tiptoe around the glass pieces. Glass and bare feet don't go very well together. We tried setting them up once, but the whole affair got blown majorly out of proportion and the two never spoke again. They don't even take the same subway anymore!

Director: CUT! Ok. Narrator. Can I call you Narry? No? Ok. I think you're overdoing it a smidge with the whole personifying and the creepy and the...

Narrator: What? Can't I use my creative skills from time to time?

Director: Sorry, what creative skills?

Chapter Fourteen ~ Until someone came along and harshed my mellow...

2008-12-29T20:22:00.000-08:00

"So there I was, being chill." AWC skated neatly across the thin ice. Unfortunately, at that same moment there was an unforseeable gravity surge. She slipped and fell flat on her face.

"Hmm," the dragon lady said with a sagely nod, and knelt down next to AWC to make sure she was still alive. "Well, you and chill. Not friends."

"Well, yeah, warn me now Loretta."

The dragon lady rolled her eyes and waited patiently for the half mad fiction writer to continue her tale of dramatic woe, for the sadness AWC suffered weighed her heart down like unwelcome icicles at the point of one's chin, unbalancing one's zen and causing one to tip ever so slightly forward...

PRODUCER: CUT!
Narrator: That's the line. I can't deliver it any better than that.
Writer: You ruined it! You made it sound a million and ten times worse than I imagined! Try again!
Narrator: The line sucks.
Writer: Well maybe you suck!
PRODUCER: Oooh! I've been waiting for this opportunity my whole life... ok... YOUR MOM sucks...
Narrator AND writer: Dude....

"Woah..." AWC's eyes widened, almost in the same way mine did when I first caught sight of the alien invaders. "Something about the logical break that happened within the last sixty or so seconds made me think of soft ice cream..."

"Subliminal advertising..." Moe the giraffe happily proclaimed as he skated by. "It's how we make the big bucks."

"No way." AWC slapped her wide forehead. "A giraffe can ice skate and I can't. Curse my woeful inadecquacy!"

"Curse your ADD," Loretta corrected.

"Oh yeah. Well, I was just being chill. I'm too uptight, you know?" AWC took that moment to grab her rabbit ears and wring them nervously. "Well. I was trying to stay cool. You know, real cool? And then this happened." She threw her hands dramatically in the air, gesturing towards the snow covered trees all around. "My mind is frozen!"

"Not completely frozen," the dragon lady consoled her. "I've seen some pretty decent ideas wandering around. And it's nice, really, we haven't had snow in ages."

"I don't even dream about my own thoughts anymore," AWC moaned.

Loretta stared. "What do you dream about?"

"Canadian cartoon characters."

"Ooh, that's bad." Loretta put a comforting taloney hand/paw??? on AWC's shoulder. "It will get better. The sun will come out tomorrow and all that..."

"OH NO IT WON'T." Paolo ran over to them, and sat on the ground nearby. "You can't cancel winter! We haven't had winter here in months! It's always Christmas, but never winter! It's just WRONG!"

"Winter will be over anyway," the dragon lady reasoned, "the second AWC has some good curry."

"But there's so much more to winter than snow on your paws or a breeze in your fur," Paolo protested. "It's the happy feeling of knowing that you'll be safe and warm as long as you have friends, blankets, coffee, and Korean cartoon marathons!"

Shadow the Angry Wolf could not bear to keep his nose out of the situation any longer. "Football," he growled. "Football, football, and more football. And snow football. Snow football is good. Although fall, (not winter), is pretty much the ultimate superior in every way."

"Make that Canadian cartoons and you might have a deal," AWC said. Needless to say, she missed the point and everyone was perplexed for about five minutes.

"I heard a rumor that she's been dreaming about the library of learning, too," Shadow said, shaking his head in sympathy for his friend who had obviously gone bonkers.

"Learning..." Paolo's eyes rolled up into the back of his head, and he toppled over.

"Hey, who's learning without me? I've got tons of facts for anyone who's interested. Well, none of them are particularly useful facts, but that's quite alright, because I've traveled far and long enough to know that none of YOU are particularly useful people!" The Tome of Superiority chuckled with glee. You would too if you could only be so superior. Superiority.

"Oh no!" AWC ran over to Paolo's lifeless body. "Speak to me, oh friend of snow and spotted leopardosity! It can't end like this! You've got so much to live for!" She shook his shoulders in mad panic.

Shadow stood there feeling awkward. Finally he let out a long sigh. "Well, if I wasn't too wise to converse with normal people, this probably wouldn't have happened. I have only myself to blame."

"It's a burden to bear, certainly," the Tome of Superiority said. "Wisdom, I mean. Alot of times it's like a lake, cool, and calm, placid and refreshing. But sometimes, the winds of experience can freeze that wise water into a pointy icicle that, by its very nature, just happens to get itself lodged (accidentally or by design) into somebody's eye. It's not the icicle's fault. Under better conditions, it might have been welcome."

The forest ice skaters all paused, some of them falling over, to stare.

"To be understood!" The Tome of Superiority exclaimed in frustration.

"Woah..." Shadow shook his wolfy head. He probably thought he was antistiffening his feathers or something. "You know, I don't even know what to say to that."

PRODUCER: Oh my anticlimax! What the heck is the narrator doing?
Writer (wringing hands anxiously): Well, uh, sir... the narrator is... um... impaling himself with a rusty spoon... I think... It looks kind of like a fork, but if it was a fork he wouldn't be having so much trouble, see, with the whole getting it to go through his flesh, and...
PRODUCER: My good man, that's a spork!
Writer: Well, heh, so it is...
Shadow: I can see why. *Snarl* These lines are crap. I always know what to say.
Jack the Theif: I don't even get any lines! AND THIS IS OUR CHRISTMAS EPISODE!
Maryanne the Maneater: Everyone's supposed to get lines in Christmas episodes.
Lemony: Especially the cute comic relief rabbit!
Florence: And the cute comic relief owl!
Narrator: So... wrong... all... wrong... can't... live... in a world... where...
Raven the raven: Nevermore. Someone needs to stop the narrator from going through with ritual suicide.
AWC: but what deus ex machina could possibly fix this whole mess? Paolo died! And where is the bloody writer!!!
Writer: Well, it's a funny story actually *nervous laugh* I mean, where I got the idea for, well, there was this soft ice cream... and then, well, so there I was being chill...
Narrator: HOW DARE YE
Writer: *choke*
Moe: Was that spork... RuSTy??
Loretta: Alas, poor writer?
Sally: Hey guys, the deus ex machina I ordered off of Amazon came in the mail!

"HEH HEH HEH..." Santa cackled in very sketchy loner laugh.

"What's wrong with his laugh?" AWC paused from leaning over Paolo's corpse to stare at Santa.

"Do you think Mrs. Claus left him or something?" The dragon lady guessed. "He doesn't sound healthy..."

"Stand back friends!" Shadow's fur bristled, and he crouched down, ready to attack. "This one's got the plague."

"Freddie Highmore has sent me to save Christmas and resurrect Paolo the foreigner snow leopard. Oh. And give out weapons." Santa smiled in a jolly way. "There! Plot resolved."

"But why did Freddie Highmore give him the plague first..." Shadow wondered aloud.

Sally shrugged. "It was a limited time offer that I had for the deus ex machina. You see, if you order in time for the Christmas season, you get all sorts of all powerful story resolvers at just a fraction of the original cost! Like remember that foggy christmas story? It was 450 pages and going nowhere fast. Santa orders a light up reindeer off the internet, and voila! Instant classic!"

"I was actually just looking for some discount christmas decorations," Santa admitted embarrassedly. "But Rudolph... he's turned my hobby writing into a lucrative career!"

"Another problem saved by the internet!" Sally grinned. "Ooh, that reminds me. Since it's christmas, oh wonderful AWC, can I please have a... touch screen? All the other muses have them."

AWC shook her head. "Forget it kid."

&&&FROM ALL OF THE CREATURES IN THE HEAVENLY FOREST, MERRY CHRISTMAS. LATE. AND WE FIRED THE EXTRA WRITER, AFTER THE NARRATOR KILLED HIM. AND PAOLO SURVIVED. HE'S STILL REALLY, REALLY JUMPY THOUGH. UM. THIS IS A REALLY AWKWARD NOTE TO END ON SO WE'LL THROW IN SOME MORE HOLIDAY CHEER. JINGLE BELLS. DECK THE HALLS. KIDNAP THE SANDY CLAWS. OH. AND HAPPY NEW YEAR.&&&

Chapter Thirteen ~ Out of My Mind

2008-11-17T17:41:00.000-08:00

AWC and Paolo the foreigner snow leopard strolled down a path less traveled by in the Heavenly Forest, on a bright sunshiney day. They were off to visit Mary-Anne Maneater, whom they were pretty sure was stuck in a tree and being attacked by rogue caterpillars. Naturally, before they could visit, they would have to find and possibly rescue her, so both were heavily armed. Paolo with his claws, fang, and waterbending abilities, and AWC with her shadow's hatchet.

"You know what I was wondering," AWC mentioned after a while of hiking through dense woodland, "was, whatever happened to us at the end of chapter twelve?"

Paolo shrugged. It's not easy to tell when a snow leopard shrugs, but it's not impossible. There's a slink of the shoulders at a different angle than what is generally customary to the species. "No one ever found out because of the unreliable narrator."

"Oh."

They continued onward, until they came to a clearing with a small shiny pond. They sat on two large boulders and investigated what was inside their lunch bags, packed by, well, neither could remember whom.

"Yes!" AWC exclaimed, "Fajitas! Aie!"

"Ramen!" Paolo growled in a satisfied manner. "Sooo good."

"Don't leopards generally enjoy large hunks of raw flesh?" AWC asked, biting into a cheesy fajita.

"Duh. I'm a snow leopard. It's totally different."

"Got it." AWC said with a nod.

"Salutations."

AWC and Paolo watched as the Tome of Superiority began climbing with great care down one of the taller trees of the forest, which was situated about ten feet away from where they sat. It flapped its covers and flew over to sit with them.

"Hi book." AWC looked up briefly and then went back to her lunch.

"Grr," Paolo commented in a friendly way.

"Same to you," the Tome of Superiority said, "and thank you most graciously for the compliment. It seems like a rather quiet day for a mind forest."

"That it is," AWC said solemnly. "Not much has happened since the narrator got ill. She got writers'blockpoxmonia."

"How horrid. Although you'll never guess what I saw when I was in that tree."

"Oh! I know! Tokio Hotel!" AWC shouted.
"No, I've got it! You saw pink elephants on parade!" Paolo exclaimed.
"Wait, no, Luciano Pavoratti!"
"Avatar the last airbender?"
"Prince Edward Island. Coming this way. Am I right?"
"Beanie babies on strike."
"Hordes of rabid monkeys?"
"Psychology today?"
"Cats the musical!"

"Actually no," the Tome of Superiority said. "Although those are very good guesses."

AWC sat there on her rock looking disappointed. Paolo didn't really seem to care very much.

"Ok, ok. If you insist, I'll tell you." The Tome of Superiority cleared his bookish throat. "I saw a giraffe. Which is funny. Because giraffes don't make their habitats in woodlands like these."

"Why, that is odd. I wonder why a giraffe would choose to come to the mind forest. I thought they preffered jungles." AWC scratched her head.

"Giraffes don't live in jungles!" Paolo said, "they live on savannahs or some places like that."

"I think we've got a bigger problem than that though," the Tome of Superiority said with a sigh of boredom. "You were kind of right about the hordes of rabid beasts. These are dogs though. Oh. And they're headed this way. Quickly too."

"Ack! It's running time!" AWC shoved her brown paper lunch bag into the infinite pocket of her hoodie. "Time to run guys!!!"

They made sure to conserve the environment by cleaning their area, like good campers, and then proceeded to calmly run for their lives.

"You've got your hatchet, right?" Paolo yelled out as they ran. "Maybe we could fend them off if it came to it!"

"It's really really hard to fend off infectious disease with a hatchet!" AWC shouted back.

"Oh! Right!" Paolo said.

The Tome of Superiority flew alongside them in its odd hoverry way, making whirring sounds as its pages flipped.

The dogs were right on their tails. Well, they were on Paolo's tail. The Tome of Superiority had no tail. AWC had no tail most of the time, like today. They fled faster than they had ever fled from anything ever in their lives.

Suddenly, the random giraffe strode out directly in front of their paths. AWC and Paolo had no time to stop, but they managed to safely run under the giraffe, who stood very high off the ground. Being a giraffe and all. The Tome of Superiority, however, was not running on the ground but flying in the air, so he unfortunately collided with the yellow and brown spotted beastie and fell to the forest floor in a daze.

"No!" AWC exclaimed, once they realized what happened, "Book!"

Paolo and AWC skidded to a stop, turned 180 degrees, and ran back towards the giraffe.

The dogs had all stopped about seven meters away from the strange nonwoodland creature, and were staring in wide eyed fascination. The Tome was picking itself off the forest floor and was trying to hover. Paolo and AWC raced over, each grabbing one of the Tome's covers, and then running to the nearby bushes where they could hide and watch.

The dogs were beginning to snarl with suspicion.

"I wonder if the silver dog is there," AWC whispered. "Look at poor book! His facts aren't straight!"

"My facts..." the book coughed. "Are as straight... as a coathanger... plenny straight... mleh... you'll never meet straighter facts..."

"Who founded the Heavenly Forest?" AWC asked.

"That giraffe over there... isn't it obvious?"

AWC slapped her forehead. "I don't know if he'll ever be the same again."

"Relax," Paolo said. "He's just dizzy. Woah! Look!"

The giraffe had not moved. It was simply staring there, examining the rabid dogs in a curious manner. "No, I don't really get it," the giraffe said. "Why are you here?"

"We should be asking you!" Yelled a particularly grouchy female.

"Yeah, this is a forest!" Exclaimed another dog. "Not a freakin' savanner."

"Why do you have rabies?" The giraffe asked. "It makes no sense. How should so many dogs get rabies when the rest of the forest is perfectly normal?"

"It's because we're stupid and codependent!" Said one dog. "Obviously. What, are you stupid or something?"

The giraffe blinked. To the relief of AWC and Paolo, the Tome reawakened from his stupor with this statement.

"HAH!" He exclaimed, stumbling out of the bushes. "Stupid and codependant beasts! I pity thee for thy ignorance! Hah! And to think I ran from your foolishness. For fools you are, truthfully, as I live and breathe!"

"Still got your hatchet?" Paolo asked nervously.

"Yeah, why?"

"Well, if they all decide to inrabiate him, we can put him out of his misery way easier with that."

"You know? Sometimes I'm just sitting there, kind of like I am now, and I realize that we're all doomed to die. And one of these days I'm going to find out what death feels like." AWC said with a frown.

Narrator: Hah hah hah... no... I swear I'm not drunk. I can DRIVE. Come ON. Gimme my keys. Gimme my keys. That's a good buddy. Yeah. No! Come on! My Keys, man! Ugh! You. And your sister. I hate you. Oh yeah. But readers. Just a thought, here, don't get scared or nothin, but wouldn't it be tooootally rock on if I ended chapter thirteen right there? Heh... *hic*... heh... heh heh heh...

The wolves were tired of being patronized so they turned around and ran away. They didn't really want to deal with a rabid giraffe, because a crazy giraffe could stomp the lot of them to little bits, and they weren't sure if tomes of superiority could even get rabies.

"My name's AWC." AWC said. "This is Paolo the foreigner snowleopard. He used to be a mexican (Italian? Discuss) but then he got turned into a big cat instead. I'm an anonymous writer character. And this is Book."

"The Tome of Superiority!" The Tome specified.

"That's kool." Said the giraffe. "I'm Moe. I'm a giraffe. I rock."

"Awesome," AWC said. A loud beep came from one of her infinite pockets. "Oh. I think Sally wants to meet the newcomer too."

Sally crawled out of AWC's pocket and fell heavily to the forest ground. "Ouch!" She complained. "Hey! You're tall!" She stared up in wonder at the giraffe. "I'm sure I've got a song somewhere about tall people..."

"Is it just me," the Tome asked Paolo quietly, "or is this forest getting rather crowded?"

"We should complain to the narrator..." Paolo said.

Narrator: Heh. Heh... heh... *hic*... wouldn't it be so radically awesome if I just, like, heh, ended the chapter here?

Chapter Twelve ~ My religion says my senior write up cannot be a mere 400 characters. It's a longwinded religion.

2008-10-10T18:23:00.000-07:00

"So, how about the red sox?"

It was dark, in the darkest part of the dark heavenly forest at midnight. Loretta the Dragon Lady, Paolo the Foreigner-Snow leopard, Mary-Anne the Maneater, and AWC were all sitting around a campfire, discussing their bad lives.

"Good love himself, that team is overdramatic." Loretta said.

"True that." Paolo said.

AWC was quietly poking the fire with a stick. She watched it catch fire, then struck a rock over and over until the fire went out, and then started again. "What would happen," she mused, "if the zombies attacked us right now?"

At that very moment, a figure in a black cloak emerged from a nearby bush and kidnapped AWC and the dragon lady (Narrator's Note: Kidnapping a dragon lady with stealth and speed is a very difficult thing).

"ALACK!" AWC struggled, but was dragged away into the darker than darkest part of the forest. The dragon lady didn't actually struggle very much, because her tea had been poisoned.

"Hush, the others will hear you," said the random ninja. "They just wouldn't understand."

"What about me?" AWC demanded, "I don't understand either!"

"Ah but you will. So do the forest a favor and shut up!"

"The masked mystery person will save me." AWC growled. "Just you wait."

"Oh, I'm very afraid." The ninja rolled their eyes.

****MEANWHILE****

Lemony the bunny and Florence the Owl sat in the zen pagoda, waiting for AWC to return from her camping trip. Lemony was painting Florence's talons pink. Florence had protested at first, but they were both so bored he finally agreed.

"It's not fair," Florence said, folding his wings across his chest in an angry way. "We never get to go on adventures."

"Meh," Lemony said, tilting his head to the side to make sure he liked the shade of nail polish. "Do you honestly want to have to deal with all of those troublesome adventure-type things? I mean, here we are safe."

"Safe, yes, and bored. I mean. WHO! I have a bunny painting my talons."

"You won't anymore if you don't sit still!" Lemony shook his head, disapprovingly.

"I think we should go on an adventure." Florence said, flying up suddenly and upsetting the bottle of polish. Pink poisonous fluid began creeping out and crawling across the floor.

"Ah!" Lemony said. "Look what you've done! We've ruined the Zen floor... we've ruuuined the zeennnn..."

"Well on our adventure we'll locate some nail polish remover. Will that make you happy, mr lame?" Florence seemed quite impatient to get out the door.

"What if AWC gets back and we're not here?" Lemony asked, trying to stay away from the slowly spreading pink splotch, terribly aware of how stupid he would look with his fur covered in pink blotcheties.

"Who. I'll leave a note. Let's go."

"Okay..." Lemony said.

The rabbit and owl scurried and flew out of the entrance and into the heavenly forest.

****MEANWHILE****

"HELP!" AWC was still struggling, hammering her fists against the ninja. "Crazy ninjas! MASKED GUY!"

"Shut up, we're here, it's me!" The ninja removed the black mask and, sure enough, it was Narcissa the Narcissist.

"What?" AWC asked.

"Hmmmm..." Loretta said. The effects of the tea were starting to wear off.

"I've become more self-aware," Narcissa said, "and it's time you two did too."

"I don't need to be more self aware," AWC said. "I have a zen pagoda."

"Ah, but have you met your shadow yet?" Narcissa asked, smiling a mysterious smile of mystery.

"Uhuh." Loretta said sleepily. "I was just walking down a well-lit street yesterday..."

"That's not what I mean. What I mean is this," and just like that, she split into two separate people. One Narcissa was smiling. The other Narcissa was smiling evilly.

"Alack! Great Scott! Oh, good, dear Love Himself that's just NOT RIGHT!!!" AWC hid behind Loretta.

"Well, here's the story behind it." Narcissa sat down in the grass. So did Loretta, and AWC behind her. "One day I woke up in a mafia hideout surrounded by several adoring guys."

Loretta sighed sleepily. "And?"

"And they all knew me for some reason, although I hadn't ever seen any of them. That's when I realized I had a shadow. Not a different personality, per se, but another side of my personality. Every now and then it would take over and act for me. Yay!"

AWC was puzzled. "Yay?"

"The most important thing is, so do you. You both have shadows. If you get more in touch with your inner selves, you'll be able to find them, and then they can do that which you could never dare to do."

"Um, there's a reason why Love Himself said I should be just one person," AWC said. "Isn't there?"

"OMG what's that?" Narcissa's eyes grew wide and she pointed at the bushes on the other side of the tiny clearing.

AWC jumped up to see.

ZZzzzzzING!

"Alack!"

AWC turned back around and saw Dark Narcissa holding a lime green stun gun.

Lorretta yawned. "Now that's just Cold..."

But now there were two AWCs standing in the clearing. One was typical AWC, with rabbit ears and colorful hoodie, blue jeans and no shoes. The other had high heels, black jeans, a black hoodie, rabbit ears, and a hatchet.

"You might like just hanging around," AWC's shadow said, grinning. "But I'm gonna go hunt me a silver dog."

"What???" AWC asked. "It's not doing any harm! It's just running around in the distance like a typical antagonist, until it decides to strike!"

"Oh puh-lease. Seeya, sis. Have fun playing with your pet bunny while I go eliminate stuff."

"Wait!" AWC cried.

But AWC's shadow had already run off cackling into the undergrowth. AWC slapped her wide forehead. "Narccy, you probably should not have done that."

"Nonsense. You're silver dog problem is solved."

"Not until after she steals everyone's lawn gnomes and uses them for ax practice." AWC groaned. "Ugh. I'm worried."

"Don't be. Having your evil self running around is perfectly safe," Narcissa said.

In the distance, they heard a loud evil laugh and shattering clay.

****MEANWHILE****

Lemony and Florence were lost. In a dark forest. "Oh, I knew this was a bad idea..." Lemony was quivering with fright.

"It sure was." Shadow the angry wolf strode out from the shadows. "What are you guys doing here? Don't you belong in AWC's zen pagoda?"

"Ar-r-re... y-y-y-you gonna e-eat us?" Lemony asked, terrified.

"Who?" Florence asked, terrified.

"Actually, I'd love to," Shadow said matter-of-factly. "And yet... I just ate Serj Tankian. I'm stuffed. Do you want me to take you guys home?"

"Yes please mister shadow..." Lemony said.

Suddenly, there was a flurry of pages, and out of the bushes emerged:

"BEHOLD! I AM THE FAMED TOME OF SUPERIORITY!"

to be continued

Chapter Eleven ~ Very far, very far, over land and sea

2008-10-03T15:42:00.000-07:00

"Can I get some help, like a cop car or something? Yes. I'm at that quiet place in the woods. Yes. Jared? No it's Jareth the... what was it? Goblin king? Yeah. Uhuh. Yes and the guy from Tokio hotel. Tom Kaulitz. No wait! I mean Bill Kaulitz. Yeah Bill Kaulitz. And Serj Tankian. Uhuh, I'll hold. Hi. Well, no, that wouldn't be a problem but... no you don't understand. What? Yes, well, they're having it out on my lawn. Sorry? No! They're attacking each other with gardening utensils. Well, one's got a spade, and there's another with a rake and OH HOLY MOSES JARETH'S GOT A WHEELBARROW. Yes, on my lawn. I'll hold."

&...

"But if I can't turn my corn into whisky, how am I supposed to sell my corn?" Paolo asked, big furry spotted paws on his hips.

"No one complains about the alcaholization of your corn product. But you can't sell it to the lawn gnomes." The police officer poked him.

"But they're lawn gnome substitutes. And they're so funny when they're drunk. Plus, money is money."

"Do you have a liscence to sell alcohol to lawn gnomes?" The officer asked.

"I think I must have left it in my other overalls," Paolo laughed nervously.

"Sir, you're a leopard..."

"Look! It's a distraction!"

The police officer turned his fat bald head around and sure enough, the first thing he was distracted by was a distraction. "Egads," he said, shiny fish eyes bulging out of his head, "Did that thing just crawl out of the mines?" He turned around again but Paolo was already sprinting as fast as he could in the other direction, as fast as his leopardy paws could carry him, away from the nameless thing that made its nameless way out of the mines of learning.

"Why, I've never seen anything like it in my life..." he said, as it came closer. It licked its jaws, and with a coarse, hairy brown flipper it scratched its moustache. Its beady black eyes were filled with anger, and malice, and patronization. The officer gaped in horror as it loomed over him, a dark shadow of marine sovereignty. "What... what is that thing?"

"I AM THE WALRUS." The creature threw back its mighty tusks, and let out a howl like that of nine banshees and a harpy (By the way, remember kids don't run away from anything immortal. It just draws their attention. Refer to the works of our immortaliality expert Peter S. Beagle for details).

AWC: But I thought there was no more Peter S. Beagle for me...
Narrator: Yeah... well... you're allergic.
AWC: I am? Coool... unicorn allergies...
Narrator: Yup. But you're also allergic to environmentalists.
AWC: *sneeze* Oh my gosh that makes so much sense! Hello? Could somebody please get Serj Tankian off my lawn?
Shadow the angry wolf who thinks he's an owl: I'd be too happy to oblige. Heh heh heh...
AWC: Oh yeah, but Shadow, you can't do that just yet.
Shadow: And why not?
AWC: There's an oozing walrus there at the moment.
Shadow: Okay. Should I contact the pirates?
AWC: No. Just go back to whatever it was you were doing.
Shadow: This would never have happened if it weren't for cave rat allergies...
AWC: *sneeze* And environmentalist allergies...

AWC stumbled over her un-welcome mat out onto her lawn, just in time to see the nice police officer who tried to get Paolo's whiskey liscence get devoured by the walrus. The walrus gave out a cataclysmic belch that killed many of AWC's lovely violet and yellow irises. "No!" She cried, as the force of the resulting gale knocked her backwards a few steps. "No more flower death! ACHOO! Oh great. Now I'm allergic to myself..."

"I'll save you!" The attractive German from Tokio Hotel cried, as he ran at the walrus and sprang upon its back. The German looked rather intimidating thanks to the incredible force of his hair, which was like a great flailing mace of spikes and death whenever he headbutted the creature.

"This must be the government's doing!" Serj Tankian yelled, picking up his piano and throwing it at the walrus's soft and vulnerable underbelly. "The sky is over for YOU, mister walrus!"

"Ah but you can't defeat my crack dream labyrinth of vortexy puzzling death!" Jareth the goblin king proclaimed, and began shaking his hips. "Yeah! That's right! Dance magic dance!"

Suzumebachi: I think I'm in love...
AWC: Well, elvis sure's got nothin on him.
Suzumebachi: I've just got to say he's pretty rad...
AWC: Go on. Steal the British guy off my lawn. I prefer Germans anyway.
Suzumebachi: I think I will.
AWC: Everyone's an anglophile. Yeah. But he was actually on your lawn all along. I just stole him in the middle of the night. By the way it's way harder to kidnap British people than lawn gnomes.
Suzumebachi: Hey. I have friends who are lawn gnomes.
AWC: It's not my place to judge.
Lemony: You are my sweeeeetest love...

Meanwhile, thanks to the combined efforts of Bill's hair, Serj's environmentalism, and Jareth's rad dance moves, the walrus was soon no more.

AWC smiled. "Bill's hair... four million dollars."
Suzumebachi nodded. "Jareth's dancing, 70000 euros..."
Shadow laughed and bared his fangs. "Getting to eat an environmentalist, priceless."

Lemony: With you, I'm always meant to be...

Chapter Ten ~ Sleepless aria jealousy

2008-09-25T09:23:00.000-07:00

"An invader in the forest is very Bad." Suzumebachi buzzed a quarter inch away from AWC's ear. They were going on a lovely stroll under the curling branches of the laurel trees, and leaves fell like crumpled red and yellow paper from the creaky old maples, with fresh fall scents alive and speaking through the winds.

"But it's nonetheless a very nice autumny day," AWC added optimistically. "Silver dog or no silver dog, look at the big yellow moon and you can tell that there are good things coming.

"How do you know the big yellow moon's not just trying to swallow you and your pagoda?" Suzumebachi asked, folding her yellow and black striped arms and raising her eyebrows critically.

AWC stopped in midstride. Suzumebachi did too. "Get real." AWC said.

"Alright. Have a rockin good day," Suzumebachi replied, and flew away.

This left AWC by herself in the middle of the heavenly forest. She pinched herself to see if she was dreaming, and discovered she wasn't. "The moon can't swallow me," she said, and sat down on the dusty path, and hugged her knees. The wind was cold and it nipped at her arms and bare feet.

"You need new shoes," said Shadow the angry wolf who thinks he's an owl.

"It's true," AWC said. "Obvious, but true. It's a nice day, though. Fall is good."

"It's true," Shadow said. "Obvious, but true."

"Omigosh guys. Guys? GUYS!" Jack the theif swung into the clearing on a vine hanging from one of the trees, and no one could figure out how he managed. "I just got this totally amazing idea!"

"What?" AWC asked.

"Oh brother." Shadow whacked his head with his thick paw (which he thought was a set of talons). "Not another idea. This forest has too many ideas in it. Soon the real estate values will drop, there will be way more higher levels of organized crime, the whole forest is going to go to shambles. Ruin. Oh, good love himself, all will go to ruin."

"I can't imagine that the rabid silver dog running around will do anything good to property values either," AWC commented. "But continue, Jack?"

"We will all live underground!" Jack grinned. "Good idea, right? Right?"

"Well it sounds like a nice idea," AWC said, "but why?"

"Uh, duh. It's fall. Which means soon it will be winter. AWC, your house doesn't even have a door." Jack pointed out.

"Oh dear, I hadn't thought of that." AWC frowned. "It will get awfully cold."

"And instead of freezing, we'll be extremely safe and warm underground, with that nice tribe of mole people."

"Okay, hold it," Shadow said. "One, I'm not leaving my home, because of aforementioned real estate value. Two, underground, there are the MINES. Big brother's agents will put us to work and that'll be the end of it. Three, why doesn't AWC just BUY a DOOR?"

There was silence. "The best laid plans," AWC said with a sigh.

"Always get punctured by grumpy wolves." Jack rolled his eyes. "Fine. I'm going to go and steal some stuff. But I will come up with an even better plan. You guys both know we won't survive the winter the way we are now." With that, he swung away.

"I'm not so sure about that," Shadow said. "You know, with global warming and all."

"Maybe, I don't know." AWC shrugged. "I'm going to go home and measure my doorframe."

"Oh you have so much fun with that." Shadow growled. "I'm going to go look for more ways to apply my logic. This forest needs more logic."

"I thought you cared about property values," AWC said.

Chapter Nine ~ We're so Starving

2008-09-20T19:08:00.000-07:00

It's been a bit of time since our last chapter. Well, that's ok, just blame the narrator!

Narrator: ...do you want me to tell you this story or not?

& & &

AWC meditated slightly to the left of the coffee table in her zen pagoda. It wasn't going well. She stroked her magical pet bunny, Lemony, for comfort purposes. Finally, she gave up and opened her eyes.

"What's your problem?" Lemony asked, scratching at an ear with one of his long furry feet.

"I have all these feelings," AWC frowned and shook her head to clear it. "And..."

"No one cares!" Lemony exclaimed. "You need to stop being glum."

"But the world... it's so filled with darkness..." AWC gripped Lemony on both of his sides and attempted to violently shake some sense into him.

"Oof! No! Fur! Lies!" He scratched and nipped in self defense. "You say that every time you watch Moulin Rouge again! When will you realize that idealism is truth and you should stick to watching childrens' films?"

"Gosh, Lemony, you're right." AWC put the poor shaken rabbit down on the floor. "I've got to get out of this pagoda and go do something fun."

Lemony quivered nervously, twitching his midgety nose. "You need to get off the depressed side of your bipolardom, that's what you need. Crazy half mad part rabbit anonymous fiction writer character. Why me? That's what I want to know. Why me?"

But AWC didn't stick around to hear the rest of the rabbit's lament. She was too busy putting on Jemima, her green stripety coat. It was chilly in the Heavenly Forest these days. "I'm going to go find Maryanne Maneater."

"Good luck," Lemony said. "And try not to come back!"

& & &

AWC was not pleased that she had remembered her coat, blue scarf, blue jeans, blue attitude, and raggedy gloves, but only realized she was barefoot once she had entered the center of the forestness. She was less pleased when a snow leopard spontaneously leapt onto the path in front of her, fangs bared in a snarl and eyes gleaming with intense wild catdom.

"Stop!" AWC cried, blocking her eyes with her arm. "That glare is way too intense!"

"Oh, do you need me to tone it down a little?"

"Yes, please if you don't mind, just a smidge!"

"Got it. Is this better?"

"Why yes that's lovely."

The snow leopard and AWC both stood on the trail smiling pleasantly at one another. "Good day, if a bit blustery," The leopard said. "By the way it's Paolo. Didn't recognize me did ya?"

"Oh, I'd recognize your anglophilia anywhere!" AWC grinned and patted the kitty on the head.

"Not with my brutish snarl," Paolo said. "And don't even get me started with my amazing waterbending skills."

"I bet. But why, Paolo? Why a snow leopard?"

"I'm smart and rational, but I'm not as honorable as a lion, you see."

"Ok." AWC laughed. "That actually makes a lot of sense. Hey, want to come hunting for Mary-Anne Maneater with me?"

"No time for that. There's been a bad omen in the way the trees sway and the birds laugh. I just heard from Raven the raven." Paolo looked very serious. "There's a new force, a new personage, a new SOMETHING trying to get into the cast of the forest."

"Oh, you mean that guy from Tokio Hotel?" AWC asked, shaking her head. "Yeah I know he's here. He hangs out near my zen pagoda. Isn't he beautiful? Much better than a lawn gnome."

"I'm not talking about the attractive german you have standing in your yard! I mean an actual force. A bad force. One we need to avoid."

"Oh no," AWC groaned. "DON'T TELL ME THERE'S A VILLAIN! VILLAINS MEAN CONFLICT AND CONFLICT MEANS AN ACTUAL STORYLINE! TELL ME the PLOT isn't ACTUALLY THICKENING!!!!"

Mary Anne the Maneater walked by as AWC was kneeling on the ground in despair, throwing her arms up and yelling at the sky. "Just ignore it," she said. "Whatever the force is, it doesn't exist either. It's all in your head, hun."

AWC stood up again and brushed the fallen leaves off her jeans. "Yeah people keep telling me that."

Narrator: Holy repetition! Egads!
AWC: You know, I only really LIKE two tokio hotel songs.
Lemony: Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Oh I was better off with that hatter or those orphans!

"AWC are you okay?" Paolo asked. "I know this is bad news. No one likes plots. But how's your idealism doing?"

"I lost it again..." AWC pouted. "I think it actually ran off with my tao."

Raven floated down from a higher branch. "Well, nevermore," he advised, "you really ought to inform Love Himself."

"I sent him an owl," AWC protested.

"Let me guess. You just complained the whole letter long." Mary-Anne slapped her forehead. "Why, AWC, why?"

"I'm just mad." She said. "Nothing's fair and everything is so glum! Even my rabbit is annoyed with me!"

"Then stop annoying your rabbit..." Paolo said.

Forget me not the fairy poofed out of nowhere with a poof of pink smoke. "Silly AWC, you've forgotten you like 'Love is Dead' by tokio hotel! That makes three songs!"

"She much prefers alice cooper to tokio hotel," Shadow the wolf who thinks he's an owl growled at the fairy as he stalked onto the scene. "This much I know."

"Lies!"

"Truths!"

"Cuz it's nine in the afternoon," AWC was singing. She was extremely distracted by now. "Back to the room where it all began... cus it's nine in the afternoon, your eyes are the size of the moon... hey wait a minute!" She broke from her trance. "Mary-Anne why are you here? You don't believe in idealism."

"Gosh I don't know. Well none of us are really here, are we? You'll wake up soon I imagine." Mary-anne maneater fed a cracker to her maneating purse.

"I see a silver dog," Raven the raven said. "Nevermore. Beware. It's coming this way."

It was true. A silver dog with long shimmering hair was coming from the depths of the trees. It was smiling and showing all its teeth. Its eyes were blue. It looked like a sheltie, only the hair was so long, and it was silver all over.

"I don't want to face that!" AWC cried, "Everyone run! It's got rabies! Run!"

So they all ran. Except for the ones who got rabies.

AWC woke up in her Zen Pagoda with Lemony sleeping soundly on her stomach. "Lemony wake up," she whined. "Lemony..."

"Bad dream again?" He perked up his ears and stared at AWC. "I told you to stay off the musicals but no."

"Lemony I don't know how to end this chapter..." AWC was nervous, and pulled at her hair, as if expecting an answer to tumble out of her head when she did so.

"Easy." He jumped up on the screen and smiled and made a face of adorability and furryosity. "I'm a bunny rabbit!"

Chapter Eight ~ So it goes

2008-08-30T21:07:00.000-07:00

"How is it," AWC asked, "that no one ever seems to notice how oddly shaped guitars are? I mean, what are they supposed to look like, anyway? Blobs with sticks if you ask me. Maybe squashes."

AWC, Shadow the angry wolf who thinks he's an owl, Raven the raven, and Jack the theif were all sitting on the bank of one of the many small rivers that flowed through the heavenly forest. Across the river there was an Alice Cooper look alike competition going on amongst the furry woodland creatures. There were a few skunks, the wolverine or two, one flamingo, and a band of furry foxes participating. None were actually very good, but the free entertainment was good enough for the four... um...

Narrator: Creatures? Mischeif-makers? Adventurers? Who the heck are these people anyway and why are they hanging out all the sudden?

Jack the theif: It's really hard to introduce a main character halfway through the story, that's why. And here I am. Obviously.

Well anyway, just as a flamingo stepped onto the podium, greeted by the cheers of several furry woodland creatures and his girlfriend, there was a noise like a gunshot. Actually, the noise WAS a gunshot. A few of the creatures screamed, and Raven, Shadow, AWC, and Jack all jumped into the river for cover. Before AWC could jump in, however, her little muse leapt out of her pocket.

"Must rescue the musicians!!" Sally cried, leaping the river in a single bound.

"No Sally!" AWC yelled, but she was already in the river. "Those aren't musicians, just look alikes! You don't have to rescue them all!"

"Rescue!" Sally sped off towards the mob scene.

Several shots were fired.

"Sally, No!"

AWC tried to crawl out and up onto the riverbank, to rescue her muse.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," Shadow said. "You'll get shot. Then you'll be a vegetable or something."

"Don't do it!!! It's not worth it!" Jack exclaimed. "Your life for a muse?"

Raven shook his head disapprovingly. "Nevermore," he added.

"It's too late, you can't stop me," AWC said. And it was true. Because she magically had butterfly wings and they were flapping furiously, having just sprouted from her back. They were now carrying her towards the fray. "Goodbye friends."

"Later."

"NO!"

"Rawk..."

The wings flapped and whirred, and carried her towards the podium. With her bird's eye view, she could see that a rogue unicorn had shot all of the alice cooper impersonators. AWC wondered if the unicorn was morally offended that they would dress up like musical satan, or if he was morally offended that they dressed up like the greatest musician who ever lived, but did not do so very well or convincingly.

And then she saw her. Tiny little midget Sally was lying lifelessly in the middle of the grassy green field.

AWC pointed, jabbing a finger in the direction repeatedly so that the wings would get it, "ok, now THAT way! THAT's where we want to go; THAT WAY".

The wings obeyed and carried AWC safely over to where her little muse was lying. "Sally!" AWC mourned, "You can't be dead, you just can't!" She grabbed Sally by her shoulders and shook hard. "Sally! Can you hear me, Sally!"

Sally made no noise or movement acknowledging her name had been called. AWC was about to throw.a.fit when a masked figure clothed entirely in black slid down through the clouds, straight from the sky. The sun seemed to make room for him. The unicorn in the corner of the feild where he had been rooting through his victims' pockets for spare change gave up and ran away in pure terror. The masked figure dropped down on the ground beside Sally. He listened to her chest, then nodded his head.

"Is she going to be okay?" AWC asked. Who was this?

"Yes she is. But her internal clocks will be off." The masked dude looked solemn.

"What does that mean?"

The masked dude clapped his hands. "Sally, awaken!"

Sally's bright green eyes popped open, and she stretched her arms out over her head with a loud yawn. "Good morning!" She chirped happily, "It's nine in the afternoon!"

"That's not right," AWC puzzled, "It's hour 176y78903218. Everyone knows that."

The masked dude nodded. "Sally doesn't though. Be patient with her is all I can suggest. Maybe you should take her to the hospital."

"And deal with mr. chainsaw and that annoying freddie highmore kid? I think not," AWC said.

"Suit yourself." And just like that he was gone.

Sally grinned and hugged one of AWC's legs. "What are you so happy about?" AWC growled. "You could have gotten yourself killed."

Sally shook her head, still smiling. "It's nine in the afternoon!"

So it goes.

Chapter Seven ~ I was on your porch last night

2008-08-29T20:46:00.000-07:00

It was a wonderful day at the zen pagoda!

Some kind soul had bestowed upon AWC a miniature oven, by means of owl post, while leaving no return address or card of any sort. It was quite portable, so AWC could pick it up and move it outdoors if she wanted, or on the roof, or under the roof, or beneath the floorboards. "But whatever could it be for?"

There was a blustery dash of wind just beyond the arched doorway, and the wind chime she had hung outside began to ring a nice melody. Someone had come to see her.

She jumped up off her meditational mat and hurried over to the doorway, to find Mary-Anne the Maneater standing on the not-welcome mat. She had a big smile on her face. She must have just eaten.

"Why are you at the inner sanctum of my mind?" AWC asked. "Did I send you an invitation and forget about it? I hate it when that happens."

"Nope, I was just wondering if you got your easy-revolt oven in the mail today." The maneater pulled out two cookbooks from behind her back. "I thought we could try it out..." she whispered. "But we can't be too obvious about it or big brother will find out."

"Big brother?" AWC was confused. "Why..."

"He can see you even in your mind," Maneater explained in a harsh whisper, "so you need to be extra careful that no one sees us do this."

AWC was horrified. "But big brother never bothered the heavenly forest before!"

"SSHHH!" Mary-Anne Maneater said. "Well he is now. He wants to burn down the forests. He wants to turn all the forests back into caves and mines, like they used to be in olden times. He wants to fill the caves with rats, and he wants the rats to chase out and/or devour anyone who dares to protest."

AWC freaked out. She wrung her hands together and then tore out her hair. "Big brother can't come! He will destroy all we hold dear! Without the forests, where will our ideas live? Where will our ideas go?"

"To work in the mines," the maneater said solemnly. "And our ideas will work for Them and Big Brother, and they will no longer be ideas, but commodities."

"Like in that manifesto!" AWC gasped. "Oh, Mary-Anne Maneater, I don't want us to all have to go work for Them..."

"I know. That's what the easy-revollt oven is designed for. My idea is, we can use it to free the pirate queen."

"Mary-Anne you can't free the pirate queen," AWC said, shaking her head sadly, "she's allergic to those cave rats."

"Let's say, however, we remove the cave rats from the mines?" Maneater suggested.

"Can we do that?" AWC asked.

"I don't know, with my easy-revolt oven it shouldn't be too difficult I imagine. We'll follow the recipe for happy children cake. When the cave rats smell it, it will make them dreadfully ill, and they will all have to leave."

AWC was excited. "Yeah! And when the mines are empty of cave rats, we can turn them into forests, where ideas can grow and develop and live in peace and harmony!"

Mary-Anne nodded, "exactly."

"So when are we going in and who are we taking?"

"Narcissa, Forget-me-not, you, the dragon lady, Paolo the foreigner, myself, and other minor supporters will be there for other support. This includes the president, he too is anxious to help in any way he can."

The maneater and the AWC stood and stared at each other for a few minutes. "How do we start?" AWC asked.

"Well, let's preheat the oven," Mary-Anne replied.

"And then?"

"We infiltrate the mines."

"Down with big brother?" AWC posed the question. Smoke began to sift out through the doorway of the zen pagoda.

"Uh oh..." Mary-Anne said, "Something's burning. You know what that means."

"No, what?" AWC jumped back from the door, as the smoke grew thicker.

"He knows..." Mary-Anne looked horrified. "Big Brother knows..."

"That's impossible," AWC said. "It's impossible." But she turned around, and there was the zen pagoda, engulfed in red flames.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Wake up."

"No."

"Wake up."

"I don't want to"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

AWC woke up on the floor of her zen pagoda. She looked left, looked right. No signs of fire. No easy-revolt oven. No Mary-Anne chiming at the door.

Just a cake sitting on the coffee table with pink icing.

Chapter Six. About that time I fell off the roof...

2008-08-22T19:11:00.000-07:00

Narrator's Note.

Narrator: Ok kids, old people, ladies, gents, here at that quiet place in the woods, when a tragedy happens we like to let you know about it so we can instruct you in how to proceed accordingly. Now listen. The pirate queen is currently not working at the mine beneath Mount Winnisquam. Unfortunately, this is due to an excess population of cave rats, whom she happens to be allergic to. Now, before you go making plans for cave rat killing sprees, remember that the Lord says to love your enemies, and show Christian love to all those who oppose you or your comrades, and oh yeah, don't murder.

Ok, now naturally this event put AWC in a perfectly terrible mood. In fact, she was actually pretty out of line. So Love Himself angrily took her wrist and led her out of a public place where she had been terrorizing locals, and he told her to stay in her pagoda until she could act rationally again.

So she was sending letters by owl to her dear friend forget-me-not, who lived somewhere else not too far away.

"Act rationally. Pah!" She licked the envelope to seal it. "Florence!"

"Who? Who?" Florence hopped up and down on the desk, his talons making soft clicks on the hard wood surface.

"Forget-me-not," AWC said, "and hurry."

With a swish of feathery flight, Florence lifted off and sped through the pagoda's doorway and into the wood. It was only then that AWC noticed that the wide opening in the wall that had been a doorway was now an actual arched doorway, with fretwork and everything to make it look fancy.

"A new doorway?" She pondered. "Hmm, that sure is nice."

She stared longingly at the door. She wanted to leave. She couldn't for the life of her imagine how a slight bit of irrationality could ever harm her in the forest, even if there was a wolf living in it.

So she left the little zen pagoda, in its corner in that quiet place in the wood, and wandered through the forest. "Maybe," She thought, "I could find some way to bring my rationality back."

AWC followed the dusty path that went straight through the forest, until she came upon Paolo the foreigner, who was digging through the bushes looking for mexican food. "Oh Paolo," she said, as he happened upon a taco. He laughed joyously and devoured it. "Paolo?" She repeated.

"Mmm... taco..." Paolo said. "Oh, what is it, AWC?"

"Our sensei is gone," she said sadly. "And I've lost my rationality because of it!"

"Our SENSEI IS GONE?" he asked, eyes wide with alarm. "Oh what will we do? How will we learn to live in this world?"

AWC nodded. "I don't know," she admitted. "But it'll be ok."

"All our rationalities will be gone," Paolo said sadly. "Let me come with you and we will find fellows to help us thrive."

"A good plan," AWC said. So the writer and the foreigner walked down the dusty path into the wood. From nowhere an amazing violet dragon flew from the treetops down onto the path in front of them.

"Oh, Loretta," Paolo said, "have you heard the news?"

"Yeah duh," the dragon lady said, I'm the one who told AWC. Let me come with you, so we can get our sadness gone and our rationalities back, and tell the others about how...."

"The sky is falling!" AWC cried out.

The foreigner and dragon lady stared at her. "It just seemed appropriate..." AWC said, embarassed.

So the writer, the foreigner, and the dragon lady went down the path in front of them. Coming their way from the opposite direction was Mary-Anne the blond maneater.

"Oh Mary-Anne," AWC said, "We have terrible news about our sensei."

"I know," Mary-Anne said. "I'm the one who told the dragon lady."

"It's true," The dragon lady said, shrugging.

"Let me come with you," Mary-Anne said.

"Hooray!" AWC said, "we're off to see the wizard! The maneater can get a heart, the foreigner can get some courage, and the dragon lady can get... um...."

"Get what?" The dragon lady glared at AWC.

"Oh look at the time, we best be on our way! The sky is falling doncha know." AWC grinned and patted the dragon lady on her dragony head and skipped off down the road. The others reluctantly followed. And so the writer, the foreigner, the dragon lady, and the maneater all proceeded down the path.

"We're off to see the wizard," AWC sang, "Because the sky has fallen. Da dum dee dee dee dum, de dum badadada da de dum..."

Eventually they came to a fork in a road. A raven was sitting on a signpost. The signpost had two different directamabobs on it. One said "right way" with an arrow to the left, and the other said "wrong way", with an arrow to the right.

It took them an hour or two to decide which direction was right. Only Paolo and Mary-Anne were pretty sure it was the road that the directamabob that said "right" was pointing to, while Loretta and AWC figured that the right way must actually be the right way.

"You'll never make it out of the forest at this rate," the raven said, shaking his black feathery head.

AWC was intrigued. "Well what's out of the forest?"

"Other worlds, RAAAWWWK." The raven flapped its black wings. "Other mind-worlds. Other metaphors. Worlds beyond. Nevermore. RAWK."

"Would you like to come with us, Raven?" AWC asked. "The sky is falling and we've got to go tell the wizard... I uh... I think... that is what we're supposed to do, isn't it?"

"I don't really see much point in it," the raven said. "After all, AWC is going to wake up from her dream in about two minutes or so."

"What?" AWC turned to her friends but they were gone. She looked back to the raven.

"Nevermore, dude," he said.

Suddenly, a chunk of something hard and plastery landed on AWC's head. "Oh no..." she whispered urgently, looking up at the sky. "Oh no!"

The sky was falling. A spiderweb crack ran out from the center, and bits of sky were raining on the forest, and falling on her head. "Raven, if the skybits fall they will crush you flat! Fly away!" She exclaimed. The raven already knew this, but was still standing there on the signpost, above the two directormabobs.

"Rawk," he said. "It doesn't matter does it, it is, after all, just in your head."

AWC frowned. "Yeah, people keep telling me that."

She turned around again, to head back up the path, only to find Shadow the angry wolf who thinks he's an owl sitting there.

"You should just wait," Shadow agreed with the raven, "you'll wake up soon enough, and it will all be over. In the meanwhile, just enjoy the dream."

A chunk of the sky the size of a television set landed on the ground in front of them. "But the SKY is falling!" She exclaimed. "How should I enjoy a dream in which the sky is falling?"

"Well, look," Shadow said, pointing his wolfish snout upwards. "You can see the universe now."

It was true. Now that all the bits of garish blue had fallen away, she could see miles and miles of black abyss, in which were glimmerings of stars, and planets, and far away galaxies, and a giant, golden moon. The stars were hazy and yellow and the great number of them completely filled AWC's vision, and she couldn't see the falling sky anymore. She could only see the light.

Chapter Five. MY NAME IS SALLY

2008-08-20T19:47:00.000-07:00

AWC carried the feeble old Silverstream in her arms, into the superstore. It looked something like a really old elf. Her long black hair was tinged with gray and her pale silver face was covered with wrinkles and small scars. Her black ball gown was singed at the tips and worn at the collar and sleeves. She had once been an excellent muse, perfect for all the fiction writing AWC did. Now, however, she was slurring her words whenever she tried to sing, and her voice was hoarse and tired.

"My, you are an old little thing aren't you?" AWC frowned and patted her muse on the forehead. (Speaking of foreheads, AWC's was still adorned with the unicorn horn, and people stopped and stared as she passed). The withered creature tried to sing, and emitted a sad, small chirp.

Three blind rabbits hopped down the sidewalk in a single file line in front of them. They cackled mischieviously.

"There there, the Geek Squad doctors will be able to fix you, I'm sure," AWC said. "Shh, don't try to sing."

"Chirp!"

***

"The Geek Squad doctoors will be able to feex her, I'm shoor of eet." The nurse dude who was standing there was a foreigner, and he spoke so quietly, AWC was having trouble understanding what he was saying.

"How much?" She asked, closing her eyes in anticipation of the intense pain of learning the cost to fix her muse.

"50 bucks for her diagnosis, and then, probably about 120 more to proceed with the operation." The foreigner shook his head.

"This is ludicrous!" AWC pounded her fist on the table. "I've got rights too you know!"

The man just looked at her.

Silverstream coughed.

"You might be interested in a newer model," the man suggested.

AWC frowned down at Silverstream. "Well you are awful large to carry," she said. She turned to the nurse. "But this is my muse, sir... she's been through alot with me..."

"The problem is her throat. She cannot sing loudly the way she is, and the effort is making her singing sound, frankly, terrible. You can buy her a microphone later, and you can still have her around. It would just be too awkward to carry. My suggest is you buy her a microphone, and get a new model to take around WITH you."

AWC shook her head, her steel blue eyes boring into his. After a whole minute of cold staring, she spoke. "You... are heartless..."

"I am Sally!" A young female elvish thing scrambled out from behind a rack of colorful digital photographers. She was wearing a green sundress and she was barefoot. Her eyes were light green, her hair was dark bluegreen, and her skin was silver. "Not Heartless, SALLY."

AWC winced, trying not to give in. "It's... so..."

Sally clasped her tiny hands together, closed her eyes, and sang a ditty about a girl who broke her little bones on the boulders below.

"Cute!" AWC couldn't resist blurting out. "Kawaii! Mignonne! Adorable!"

"Not Cute," Sally stopped singing, "Not Kawiyee, not minyon, not adoble. Sally. Sally Sally Sally!"

The nurse smiled. "Sally is equipped with an inexpensive health care coverage plan, so if she breaks we can set her right for literally nothing!"

"How much?" AWC asked warily.

"All together with health insurance, 230 bucks."

AWC glared at Silverstream. "This is your fault you know," she complained. "how could you do this to me? After I fixed your filing system? You just wanted to settle down so bad you'd make me pay for a microphone and a new portable muse?"

Silverstream smiled and chirped.

"Fine..." AWC said. "Here's your money, you stupid vulture." She paid the nurse.

"Thank you so much, you stupid narwhol." The nurse grinned evilly.

"OK Do you WANT to know how MUCH DAMAGE I can do with my newly aquired weaponage?" AWC growled, pointing to the horn, which was now glowing. "In a certain Narnia book, some dude was gored to death by one of these."

Just then the nurse pulled a chainsaw out of his pocket. "I've heard these can do some 'damage' too..." he laughed evilly.

"HAVE AT THEE!" AWC dropped Silverstream, who chirped indignantly as she fell to the ground and sat there. AWC then started attacking the Geek squad nurse with the unicorn.... um... blade?

Narrator: How many times can I say the word "unicorn horn" without it being redundant?
Sally: Exactly twice, but there have to be four paragraphs in between. You're out of luck.
Silverstream: *coughs* *sputters*
Shadow the angry wolf: I don't even make an appearance in this stupid story! Oh wait...
Bunnies: Meheheheheheh

AWC and the geeksquad nurse did battle. Silverstream sat there staring with wide eyes, while the very excited Sally jumped up and down, first cheering for the random nurse, then cheering for AWC, then cheering for herself, and then repeating.

The doors to the supermart opened wide, and in strode Simon from the Spiderwick Chronicles Movie, who is sometimes referred to as "Jared", or occasionally "August Rush".

"I'm a pacifist," he told the viewers. "And this episode is too violent for the series rating. That means you have to stop fighting." He raised his British hands and the chainsaw disappeared from the nurse's hands, and the horn disappeared from AWC's head.

So the moral of the story is, geek squad will overcharge you... and that's ok, because Freddie Highmore will always be there to save the day with his amazing and limitless powers...

An editor of this blog in an office far away: *looks up from wikipedia article* OH MY GOSH FREDDIE HIGHMORE WAS THE VOICE OF PANTALAIMON IN THE GOLDEN COMPASS? YOU HAVE TO ADD THAT INTO CHAPTER FIVE SOMEHOW!

Narrator: No I won't, that's stupid, the only stuff anyone cared about that he was in was August Rush, and everyone loves to laugh at the spiderwick chronicles. No one cares about his voice acting!

Editor: But the Golden Compass is incredibly controversial and popular, and pantalaimon is a main character...

Narrator: No, it's not going in chapter five at all and that's final. Let me end it where I've ended it, damn you!

Editor: You're fired!

Narrator: You can't fire me, you don't exist!

Editor: Neither do you!

Narrator: Yeah but I was here first. I officially fire you!

Editor: You can't do that!

Narrator: Oh yeah?
Editor: Yeah!
Narrator: Oh yeah?
Editor: Yeah!
Narrator: Oh yeah?

And the sun set far off in the distance, where Freddie Highmore was being all legendary, with Elvis, Robin Hood, and Chuck Norris.

Chapter Four... A Secret Just For Me

2008-08-19T23:37:00.000-07:00

AWC woke up this fine morning in her peace-pagoda in the middle of Heavenly Forest. It was only the previous day that the narrator had bothered to tell her the forest's name. The narrator was going to tell her sooner, but hey, narrators need lives too.

AWC: get on with it.

Narrator: sorry.

So anyway, AWC pushed her hair back and realized that she had regular ears again. Good-bye rabbit ears. She couldn't decide if she was pleased or sorry for it. She sincerely hoped that today she would not have any other random deformity, but there was no quick way to check, because in order for a pagoda to be peaceful, it is necessary to not have any mirrors.

She rose to her feet (which were and are always bare here), and wandered across the wood floors. Zen pagodas can't have carpeting either, it interferes with the zen. You have no idea how much bad energy gets trapped in carpet fibres. One wall of the one-story pagoda was not much more than a doorframe, without a door. In this way, AWC's inner mind space was connected to her emotionally influencable outer mind, which was the forest. This could get inconvenient because when it snows in the forest, the mind gets awfully cold, and AWC doesn't even have enough mental capacity to stow a coat or hat or anything.

It wasn't snowing today. The sun was shining through the leaves, speckling the trees with bright little spots of light.

She approached the doorframe, exited, and stood on the doorstep. The doorstep had a little brown mat for brushing snow off the boots she never wore. In fuzzy black letters it wrote "YOU ARE MOST CERTAINLY NOT WELCOME. LEAVE AT ONCE. THIS NOTICE DOES NOT APPLY TO JESUS"

By now she was accustomed to the nonwelcoming welcome mat. What she was not used to was the tiny white gift box that sat on it. It was a perfect cube, wrapped in thin white paper, and tied with a gold ribbon. There was a gift tag attached to it.

To: AWC
A secret just for you. To be yours always, to share with whom you will.
Love always,
Love.

"It seems someone wants me to have this," AWC said to herself, lifting the box up and tucking it into one of the super huge sleeves of the kimono she realized she was wearing. "What do you know? A secret just for me..."

No sooner had she tucked it away than immediately she was faced with Loretta the dragon lady, Paolo the foreigner, Mary-Anne the Maneater, Suzumebachi the suzumebachi, and Shadow the wolf who thinks he's an owl.

"We heard you recieved a secret by owl post today," Loretta said happily, while snorting small puffs of cinnamonny smoke out her nose. She was a pretty dragon because she was a dark shade of violet. Some dragons are just green.

Out of a nearby tree, AWC's snowy owl, Florence, flew down and landed on her shoulder, talons extended. "That she did," Florence said haughtily, closing his eyes and looking very pleased with himself. "I always bring all her packages safely. This one's from Love Himself. It's meant just for her, too."

"Just for her?" Shadow snorted through his wolfish snout. Which was strange of him because owls don't snort so there was little reason why he should've thought he would be able to. "Why would she want it all to herself?"

AWC looked back at the pagoda. Through the wide doorway she could see all of the things she kept there only for herself. All she could see was a shoebox full of embarassments she was to ashamed to share.

"Well," AWC frowned and gazed down at the little box, "I do want this one, I think."

"You don't want to share any bit of it with us?" Paolo asked. He sounded disappointed.

"I share everything with all of you," AWC said. She felt bad. She didn't want to let her friends down. She knew this was her secret, and all the other small secrets she had already told some or all of these friends. Just when she thought she had emptied her heart on the table, Love gave her this little unopened box, with the thin white paper and the silky golden ribbon. A secret.

The suzumebachi gave up immediately and flew away with her stuffed bunny.

The foreigner, the dragon lady, and the maneater all left afterwards, all certain that they would find out soon enough.

All that was left was Shadow. "So you're not going to share it at all. Not one little bit. Not even if I can help?" He asked.

"No I can't," AWC said with a sigh. "I hope that's ok."

"No it's not at all!" Shadow protested, "In fact, it's downright..."
But he got a buzz on his cell phone and had to answer. He was distracted enough by this interruption to completely forget about the secret he was badgering for, and after he had done chatting, he looked at AWC, confused. "Do you remember why I'm here?" He asked.

"Not at all," AWC answered.

"Oh. Well, just in case I haven't already told you, you've got a horn growing out straight from the center of your forehead." He nodded goodbye, turned, and left.

AWC reached out a hand and tried to rub her forehead. Sure enough, straight in the center, was a long horn, like that of a unicorn or narwhal.

She sighed again. "No more Peter S. Beagle for me," she chided herself. She retreated back into the pagoda, where there was a small coffee table that hadn't been there before. It also had a tag.

"To put your secret on. and your coffee mug. Love always, Love. P.S. Give Florence a nice treat, will you? It took him forever to carry this thing to your pagoda all the way from Higher Power Inc."

AWC blinked.
Blinked.
Blinked.
Closed her eyes.
Sat on the floor.
Opened her eyes.
Blinked.
Blinked.
Closed her eyes, just for a second.
Slept.

The little white box fell from her sleeve and landed gracefully in her palm. It was warm and glowwy.

Chapter three: Have some Courage

2008-08-16T19:49:00.000-07:00

AWC and a Suzumebachi sat like bums on a couch in the middle of a deep, thick forest. They were watching three angry female skunks catfighting.

The Suzumebachi leaned back and shifted uncomfortably. "It's not much of a substitute for reality tv," she complained.

AWC shook her head, not turning her eyes from the dramatic furry woodland creatures. "Look, one of them's pulled hair out from another one's tail... ouch. Burn."

The Suzumebachi's stuffed bunny jumped up from where it had been sitting. "Only you can prevent forest fires!" It stopped looking frantic only when Suzumebachi gave it a comforting pat between the ears.

"There there," the killer bee said in a soothing voice, "Good little bunny-chan."

"You should train it or something," AWC said, as one skunk shoved another skunk hard in the ribs. "Like to detect environmental danger."

The Suzumebachi sighed. "I could but that would require work."

"Yeah. Work's rough."

Chapter two, the very fine line.

2008-08-13T16:15:00.000-07:00

AWC walked a fine line. The line was thin and blue. It resembled embroidery thread, and if she examined it closely, she could have seen tiny bits of fuzz coming off of it that shone white in the sunlight. But she didn't examine it closely, because she was walking it.

Over a river filled with angry sharks, piranhas and coyotes.

The wind blew up at her, cold because of the river below. It made the line sway. It made her sway. She knew that one step amiss could send her hurtling downwards to her doom, her demise, their dinner. She held her breath, she was very afraid.

This is how she was spending her birthday.

Then it happened. She was walking the very fine line and then she did it. She let go, she stepped off, deliberately, and dove down. She was trusting. Trusting is important. Without the ability to trust, she didn't want to walk the very fine line. She had to jump off to make sure she could jump off.

"Wake up! Wake up!" She was jostled awake from her place sleeping peacefully in her Zen pagoda in the middle of the forest. She was quite frightened to behold the sight of a suzumebachi upon her awakening, but then she remembered that the suzumebachi was her sister so it was ok.

"AUGH!" she exclaimed, swatting at the killer bee.

"You were asleep again!" She buzzed, flying around with a stuffed rabbit. "You cannot sleep in your pagoda. You need to be awake here."

"Why?" AWC moaned, still tired.

"Because it is a metaphor for your mind and your mind cannot sleep because, well, I say so! The world says so! Fate and his brother say so!"

"Mind... can't... what?"

"Sleep! No rest! Not for you! Even in your thoughts!"

But AWC was gone again.

Falling through the air, without one chance in hell of survival, all the sudden AWC had a chance of survival. She fell into a butterfly net held over the water by an unknown somebody. (Narrator: aka me)

Once on shore, she sat and tried to regain control of her raging terror. Sitting beside her placidly was an angry wolf who thought he was an owl.

"You really need to gain control over your raging terror," he exclaimed, licking a wet paw that he thought was a talon.

"I know." AWC did not have any paws to lick in a dignified way. All she had at the moment were great long flopping rabbit ears that were currently hanging over face. She tried to wring the water out of them.

"You should try sometime." He stood up and turned to leave. "There's nothing to be scared of here. It's all in your head." He then went away.

AWC sat there and stared at the river as a coyote swam by, snapping his jaws in her general direction.

Then she woke up.

Chapter One. Librarianity for the new you

2008-08-05T18:04:00.000-07:00

Picture this.

Our hero, AWC, arrived at the library only slightly late, ready for work. Unfortunately, she could not make it over to the book cart due to the rows and rows of yet-to-be-sorted nuggets of literary wisdom (yeah, books), lying on the floor directly in her path. "I thought we were getting a sub while I was gone!" She exclaimed to the kindhearted librarian who at the time was standing behind the desk to AWC's left.

"Well," she replied, smiling sadly, "we all did what we could to put them away, when we had time..."

AWC made it to the book cart, which was filled with books, audiobooks, videos, and DVDs. Out of habit, AWC would always put away the DVDs first. She wheeled the cart over to the DVD section. Somebody had apparently had a jolly good time taking DVDs from the shelves and cleverly shoving them back precisely where they did not belong. It was a very attractive artistic display, AWC thought to herself. I mean, who puts DVDs on a shelf vertically anymore? It's so lovely and modern to stack them horizontally ON TOP of other, less fashionable vertically shelved ones. That way there's a marvelous collection of perpendicular lines, with fantastic ninety-degree angles.

AWC was forced to correct them though, because unfortunately, the library is not a place for art. It's a place of learning.

She was examining the back of a DVD when another librarian, who looked very stressed out, and very much in need of some hot tea, hurriedly walked over. "Please, there isn't time to look at the backs today," she said most frantically, gesturing towards the rows of books who were peacefully sleeping on the floor.

AWC dramatically held up the copy of NARUTO: VOLUME 1. "But I want this one!"

"Well, ok," the librarian said, "but today we need to hurry!"

AWC sighed and continued to work. The DVDs were laughing at her. "Cut it out!" she hissed at them, putting in her headphones to silence them.

And the Fratellis took her stress away

Seek the end and you'll find the means

2008-08-04T19:13:00.000-07:00

So does anonymous writer need a name besides "she"? I'm not entirely sure. Let's ask her.

@@@@@@@

Narrator: anonymous writer character, if you had a name what would it be?

Anonymous Writer Character: That's not possible, I'm anonymous.

Narrator: No you're not. You're somebody, aren't you? Everybody's somebody.

Anonymous Writer Character: Not really. I used to be imaginary. I'm just retired now.

Narrator: Imaginary friends can't retire

Anonymous Writer Character: Heck yes they can. I decided to become real.

Narrator: What's the difference, then.

Anonymous Writer Character: The difference is obviously that I'm real now.

Narrator: Well what's so great about being real? Oh, and can I call you AWC?

Anonymous Writer Character: AWC is fine.

Narrator: Ok, AWC. Why would you want to be real?

AWC: So that I could mean something to people for an extended period of time, and not be forgotten.

Narrator: But AWC, you're a fictional character that the real writer who's typing this right now created about a month ago. You're not real, you're never going to be real.

AWC: At least I'm more than just a voice.

Narrator: (sighs) True. True. So, got any friends?

AWC: My reporter friend who's so much cooler than me.

Narrator: Others?

AWC: Many. I have my fellow Order members, that's shadow and Jack. There's also Raven and all your mom's children, Paolo, Loretta, and Mary-Anne. There's Narcissa and Forget-me-not. Forget-me-not is a cat, Narcissa is just a Narcissist, but she will definitely discover what's up before we all do. Paolo is a foreigner, Loretta is a dragon lady, Mary-Anne is a maneater, Raven is probably sane, Jack is searching for his true self, and shadow is shadow. I think shadow might be an owl but I'm not positive, he seems more like a wolf to me.

Narrator: fewer things are worse than wolves disguised as owls.

AWC: I agree with you one hundred percent.

Narrator: got any more... um... characters?

AWC: Hmmm. Sensei and Chameleon. Then there's a suzumibachi. And a margarine-substitute. Then a hedgehog midget mastermind and a great mooselover. The list goes on.

Narrator: are any of these people real?

AWC: they aren't all people

Narrator: Which ones are people then?

AWC: your guess is as good as mine.

Narrator: So your name's going to stay AWC forever?

AWC: my name actually changes alot. And I have many of them. Many changing names.

Narrator: Oh great. You know what? AWC is good enough for me. Let's stick with that. Yeah. That works.

AWC: I have a question now.

Narrator: Ok, shoot.

AWC: Are you and me the same being?

Narrator: Are you and me the same being?

Imagine the world a bit smaller

2008-07-05T18:18:00.000-07:00

I still haven't figured out how to indent with blogs like these. It doesn't seem right that I can't just use the tab button. Oh well, life's still okay and all that.

I have plenty and more to do.

Um, I'm bad at this.

How bout a story?

~@~@~@~@~@~@~

Once upon a time there was a clever and resourceful investigative reporter. She had many friends and went on wonderful and exciting adventures. One day, however, she went on an adventure and did not return.

Leaving the narrative to the reporter's dearest friend, the half mad fiction writer with no life.

This crazed writer character, (a blond female, about 5'6'') wandered through the wilderness; the swamps of Winny, the forests of Stres, and the mountains of Sumr Asynmens. One day, she was in one of the many similarly named forests, when she heard a voice calling her, from the heavens above.

"Hey you! Why don't you do something with your free time besides bumming on virtual pet sites and hoping that somebody will actually text you back for once!"

"My," the anonymous writer said, "perhaps this is a good idea."

So she came to that quiet place in the woods, you know the one, where you always go to escape your family and various annoying friends? The place where you go to think? To sort things out?

And that's where she stayed.

And that's why she's writing this.

To be continued?

I don't know.

Nothing to see here, folks

2008-02-27T10:05:00.000-08:00

~Day One~

What's the point of this?