Chapter Twenty ~ Now my feet won't touch the ground

AWC's brow furrowed with intense concentrationalism. She had made the decision that morning, at 12:03 AM, to get off of her lazy rear and actually write something.



Narrator: Wait... has it stricken anyone as odd that the Anonymous.Writer.Character hasn't actually written anything within these past nineteen chapters?

Producer: Argh! Stop asking questions! The plot-holes are veiled thinly enough as it is!

Narrator: I was just trying to be inquisitive. That's supposedly the key to happiness. Staying inquisitive.

"There... was a boy..." AWC started to sing, as she typed. "A very strange enchanted boy... they say he wandered very faaaar..."

"AWC!" The suzumebachi buzzed into the zen pagoda through the front door. "Stop singing! It's interfering with my buzzing!"

"I'm sorry," AWC said. "It's just, sitting at a typewriter... I was overcome with song!"

"That's the worst excuse I've ever heard," the suzumebachi said. "And I told you not to watch Moulin Rouge. That movie makes you sob for hours and hours, and forest floods are extremely unpleasant to those of us who can't fly!" She looked across the room where Lemony was sleeping on the couch cushion, with Florence perched watchfully on the armrest. "Like your rabbit."

"I think all movies make me cry." AWC hummed and considered. "Wait... there has to be some movie that doesn't make me cry. Oh yeah. Star Wars."

"No, you cried during Star Wars!"

"Tears of boredom don't count," AWC replied.

There was a knock on the door. Florence leapt into the air in a flurry of feathers, and flew straight at the door. "I'll get it! I'll get it!"

Lemony woke with a start, then dashed at the door as well. "No I'll get it!"

Florence and Lemony stopped at the threshold. They remembered then that the zen pagoda didn't actually have a door, just a spacious opening in an elegantly carved doorframe. Doors themselves aren't very zen. Doorways, on the other hand...

"It's the dragon lady!" The critters exclaimed simultaneously.

Neck curled down awkwardly so that she could see into the little zen pagoda, the dragon lady called out. "AWC, are you there, AWC?"

AWC got up from her typewriter and slowly, determinedly approached the zen doorway. "What are you doing here, Loretta?"

"I just came to tell you we're throwing a party of intense awesomeosity to celebrate our daring escape from the mines!" The dragon lady grinned. "It's going to be a wonderful party, the entire forest is invited. There will be food, there will be beverage, there will be musical chairs and Mr. Blue heron's going to cheat, just like he always does!"


"Oh wonderful!" AWC exclaimed, "I love being shoved off of chairs by egotistical avians!"


"I know," the dragon lady agreed, "It'll be just like old times."


"Let's go on a walk and compose the guest list," AWC said.


The dragon lady and the rabbit girl headed out into the deep dark forest. One by one, they encountered all of their heavenly forest friends, who agreed to attend the festivities, including the highly respected, greatly beloved pirate queen. Unfortunately, Shadow the angry wolf had to pupsit on that day, the tome of superiority was in hiding, Forget-me-not was in Alligator City, and Jack the thief was busy with a mission stealing some sort of gem from some mysterious cavern in some location in the middle of elsewhere.

"I think that's everyone," AWC said, checking off the box next to Moe's name. The two were on the sandy path that lead to the zen pagoda, their mission nearly completed. "Wait, stop!"

The dragon lady looked around the path. "Why? What?"

AWC beckoned Loretta to follow, and went off the path across the grass, to a little sandy place by the ever flowing zen river. "We must pay our respects," AWC said, kneeling in the grass.

"To... oh..." Loretta realized. There was a marble slab on a tiny grave, with the name Sally scribbled across in pink sharpie.

"WHY, Sally, WHY?" AWC said, sobbing, rolling over off her knees and lying flat facedown in the grass. "You were so young, so beautiful. Oh, Sally... you were the best muse I've ever had. I first listened to Interpol on you, and together we discovered the wonders of Coheed and Cambria..."

"Coheed and Cambria?" Loretta made a face. "Seriously?"

"Is there no world for tomorrow, if we wait for today?" AWC sang softly.

"There is... something wrong with you." Loretta shook her dragony head disappointedly.

"Excuse me, crying lady and scary dragon?" a small raccoon peered out from behind the tombstone.

"YOU!" AWC growled. "This grave belongs to Sally! My beautiful muse!"

"I'm sorry," the raccoon looked very scared. It could have been because of AWC's harsh tone, or it could have been because there was a large dragon with fangs and claws peering curiously down at it. Whatever reason, the raccoon began trembling. "It's just... I'm lost!"

"Awww, poor little raccoon..." the dragon cooed maternally. "What's your name, small one?"

"Nancy," the raccoon sniffed. "I lost my kid!"

"Come on, Loretta, it's obviously lying. Do you seriously believe there's a random raccoon kid running around this vast forest that we don't know about?" AWC folded her arms. She felt a little foolish for scolding the poor raccoon, and so she was pouting.

"This isn't my forest... my forest is darker, and all the animals are different, and there's not a giraffe, and the cabin we live in is there!" the raccoon said. "I'm not lying, honest. It's a little peaceful cabin, in the middle of the Painter's Forest!"

"A small home in the middle of a big forest." AWC frowned. "Sounds really, really familiar. Should we trust it?"

"I don't know," Loretta said. "How did you get here?"

"I chased a white stag..." the raccoon shrugged. "It was pretty... I thought Jimmy could paint it!"

"Who's Jimmy?" AWC asked.

"My kid!" The raccoon was getting more and more anxious.

"What's up?" Narcissa appeared spontaneously between Loretta and AWC. "I could sense the gathering of like minds and I just had to stop by. How are my darling friends?" She was grinning slyly, so Loretta and AWC were reluctant to discuss current events with her, uncertain if this was Narcissa or Narcissa's shadow. "Oh my glider!" Narcissa gasped. "Nancy, what are you doing here?"

"Narccy!" the raccoon jumbed up into Narcissa's arms. "I'm so glad you're here! I'm lost, and there's this dragon, and this girl who looks like kind of like Jimmy only she's alot, alot, alot, alot alot more grumpy..."

"I'm not grumpy..." AWC said. She leaned in to whisper to Loretta. "Loretta, am I grumpy?"

"You were grieving. It's ok. I forgive you," Loretta replied.

"So how do you know... Nancy, was it?" AWC asked.

"Oh, I go between forests. Because I know absolutely everyone." She smiled slyly again. "I've got everybody typed... and then I typed up their types. I can get inside pretty much anyone's head."

"Can you take Nancy home?" AWC asked.

"Not really," Narcissa said. "I think Jimmy has to come get her."

"How will he know what world she's in?" Loretta asked.

"Easy. He's like us. He should be able to sense our gathering just like I could. Then, I'm sure I can open up a portal he can come through. You guys take Nancy to the zen pagoda, while I try that. Poor creature could use some peace."

"I don't know..." AWC said. "Narcissa, the only creature besides my mindpets who ever go in there is Suzumebachi, and she's my sister... I don't even know..."

The raccoon looked up at her with big, sparkly masked eyes.

"Uh..." AWC groaned. "Okay, come on." She held out her arms for creature.

Nancy looked cautiously up at Narcissa, who nodded reassuringly, and the raccoon leapt into AWC's arms. "Alack!" AWC exclaimed. "Heavy! Oof!"

"Hurry back once you drop her off," Narcissa said, "We need to all be here together to get Jimmy to appear."

"She's right," Loretta chuckled. "We need to harness the power of three. I call being Piper."

"Ooh! I'm Pru. She's powerful," Narcissa smiled.

"Ack that makes me Phoebe... AWC groaned again. "Dude..."

"Haha, your powers SUCK!" The dragon lady stuck out her tongue.

"Maybe I won't come back!" AWC exclaimed. Nancy tensed in AWC's arms. "No, no, it's ok, I was just kidding." AWC sighed. "Come on. Oh, and you'd better be nice to Lemony."

To Be Continued...

Chapter Nineteen ~ Love lifts us up where we belong!

None of the creatures would ever suspect what lurked deep within the shadier reasons of the Heavenly forest. Hidden from the eyes of the common furry woodland creatures, hidden by foliage, by darkness, by weather and time, was a creature older than even than the walrus, the silver dog, or even the narrator...

Narrator: ....I'm not old. Just youthfully challenged. Hmph.

Hmm, well anyway, this thing, would at this time venture away from its place in the recesses of forestliness, to prey upon the best loved half human ever to walk the winding paths... our own AWC...

"LEMONY!"

The rabbit winced and massaged his long furry ears. "I really wish she wouldn't yell so much."

Florence snorted. "I just wish she'd remember I exist every now and then!"

"Lemony!" AWC came running into the zen pagoda, skidding across the zen pagoda floor in her besocked feet and colliding head first with a wall. "Ouch! Help!"

The rabbit hopped over to assist, while the owl stayed put, turning his beak/nose to the ceiling. "Well she didn't ask me to help," he said.

AWC righted herself, and both owl and rabbit could see that in her arms she had a tightly wrapped tissue paper package. "Look! I brought a new friend!! He's going to live with us now."

Lemony sniffed the tissue paper. "What is it?" he asked.

The tissue paper exploded into a thousand little bits that rained on the floor all around them, startling the rabbit while sending it flying backwards, hitting the owl, and propelling both into the air. The glass coffee table broke their fall.

Where the tissue paper package had been, there was now an elegant Italian leather handbag. "Aww," AWC poked it and smiled. "It's playing." The bag zipped and unzipped itself, muttering a low growl. "Aren't you a cutie? Yes you are... yes, yes you are..."

"I don't LIKE IT," Lemony complained, rubbing a bruised rabbit foot. That can't be good luck.

"Nor do I!" Florence said, forgetting about his insecurity issues to advocate the removal of the dangerous accessory.

"It's not an IT," AWC corrected, stroking the handle of the currently muttering purse. "HIS name is Dorian," she smiled. "Yay..."

"WHY are you YAYING that... that..." Lemony shuddered.

The handbag growled at the rabbit.

"Dorian! Play nice!" AWC stood up. "Lemony, Florence, watch Dorian. I've promised to meet up with Jack and Shadow this afternoon and if I'm late both will be displeased."

"I'll get the choke chain," the owl hooted and flew out a window.

"I'll find the vinegar spray," Lemony replied and hopped into the kitchen.

"Such dramatic mindpets," AWC shook her head. "No matter." She picked up the violent purse and kissed it. "Farewell lil Dorian! Mommy will be back soon."

***
AWC read over the letter again. "That's great, Shadow."

"Great? It doesn't make a bit of sense. Then again, neither do you. No wonder you understand it." Shadow the angry wolf rolled his eyes.

Jack the theif rubbed his mask thoughtfully. "They want to train you to lead your own wolf pack. It's an honor, isn't it?"

"YES, but," Shadow glared at Jack, "I'm an OWL. You know, fly, kill mice, dole out wisdom to less intelligent woodland creatures." He looked from AWC to Jack.

"NO!" AWC clawed at her face and ears. "Noooo..."

The wolf and the thief both stared. "Uh..." they simultaneously questioned in a nonverbal manner.

"Continue," AWC said. "You weren't done ranting, Shadow."

"But you..." Jack started. He shook his head vigorously. "Nevermind."

"Yes..." Shadow's eyes narrowed. "Nevermind..."

"So you're going?" AWC asked.

"Of course I'm going. If they want an owl to lead a wolf pack, what can I say?" He shrugged his furry shoulders which he thought were feathery. "I guess the wolves just aren't cutting it these days."

"You'll be great, Shadow," AWC and Jack both encouraged. "When do you go?"

"In a month or two," The wolf said. "Before I leave I'll have to take care of some business I guess. I don't want the gnomes to have another coup. They try to do that everytime I leave." He shook his head. "I'm surrounded by nonsense and rebellious lawn gnomes. Also, there's Narcissa. She's a troublemaker. She's begun cloning all her favorite television actors so she can have her own army of rampant attractiveosity."

Jack and AWC stared blankly.

"I know. Come to think of it," Shadow rose to his feet, "I should start now."

"Let us help!" Jack said, "I'm sure I could stop Narcissa's army with my robin hood archery skills," he posed an imaginary arrow in an imaginary bowstring, and released. "Pyu! Pyu pyu!"

"Yes, and I could stop the coup by filling every gnome's head with doubt and self-loathing!" AWC grinned. "Suppress the proletariat!!! SUPPRESSS"

"That's enough suppression for you," Shadow said, rolling his eyes again. He really does that quite alot. "Just please don't get into any unreasonable amounts of trouble, okay? I'll see you guys later." With that, he skulked off into the forest.

"Do you think Big Brother heard me?" Jack cringed.

"I sure hope he heard me," AWC smiled. "What a good citizen I am."

"Aren't you an anarchist?" Jack asked.

"No! It's not true Big Brother, honest!" AWC dove underneath a nearby bush. "No!!! Only bad people are anarchists! Like... like... rabid dogs and walruses..."

"Did somebody say Big Brother?" The local friendly wallaby hopped over to the thief and the cowering anonymous writer. In his paws he held a clipboard... to the shock and horror of Jack and AWC, he began to sing.

Would you loan a rebellious fist?
To bring down big bad brother?

Only have to sign your name,
And recommend five others...

Could you help? Please?
What about thee?


At the end of this song, AWC started a slow clap, only to have her hand stopped by Jack. "AWC," he said, "Don't forget. We're shocked and horrified."

"Oh yes, I forgot." AWC laughed nervously. "I love America. Really I do. If I lived in it, I would be really happy I'm sure. But I don't. I live in a magical forest. With other... um... ideas..." She nervously wrung her rabbitears.

"Did someone say America?" Paolo the foreigner snow leopard entered the clearing with a scowl on his face. "Boo. I'm an anglophile. Like all the cool chaps. Wot wot. I like Skins." He sat down next to AWC, then noticing the wallaby, stood up again. "Is that a petition? Is it for a liberal cause?"

"Yes..." the wallaby looked hopeful. "Do you suppose you could sign...?"

"I regret that I do not have poseable thumbs." The snow leopard shrugged. "Sorry, mate."

"There's bad news Paolo," AWC said. "Shadow's going to go away to leadership land, and we'll be lacking in the typical common sense faculties for an extended period of time." She hmmed and frowned. "Actually," she said, "nevermind. I'm quite used to this and so I don't believe it qualifies as bad newsdom."

"Actually," Paolo's eyes lit up, "I sense oncoming liberalism... yaaay... libbeeerrraaaaaallliiiissssm..."

"All I sense is medicinal M-J," Mary-anne the maneater said, jumping out of a nearby bush. Maneaters frequent bushes. It's good cover. It covers them from the prying eyes of men who do not want to be eaten. Thanks to the bushes, they think they're safe. They lie out on beach towels, happily trying to tan in the dark forest. Then comes the maneater. Then she eats them. They're delicious.

Narrator: Sorry. I'll admit I went too far with the awkwardosity.
AWC: Maybe a little.
Mary-anne: Stop making me hungry.
Narrator: Sorry....

"Medicinal mahjong???" AWC exclaimed. "This is just plain wrong! It's against my beliefs. Stand for this we must not! Dangerous asian games!" She scurried away from the group. "I've got to run home," she called back. "I'm going to make signs. First thing tomorrow, we will begin the protest! I don't want my darling pet rabbit being forced to play games of skill, strategy, calculation, and possibly chance!"

~ ~ ~

"Stay away..." Lemony the rabbit warned, holding a large metal towel rack in a defensive stance across his chest. "Do not me attack you with this towel hanger thing!"

Dorian the handbag cackled pursey laughter as it slowly advanced upon the terrified rabbit.

"Oh, look at my wrist, I'm late!" Lemony jumped up and scampered off, trying to make his way through the heaps of garbage that the raging purse had left lying all over the zen pagoda floor. "I'm late! I'm late! For a very important... Florence!"

Florence flew in the window, weilding the famed hello kitty fire extinguisher.

"Florence, you came back for me!" The rabbit hopped up onto the coffee table. The purse staggered over to it Samara-style and jumped up repeatedly trying to nab the little bunny.

"Mlhm... Mlahem, Mlahh!" Florence encouraged with the nozzle in his beak. He shook his head back and forth, and white foam spewed from the fire extinguisher, straight at the crazed but oh so stylish purse.

"Yum yum..." Dorian the wild purse was mumbling at its lapine quarry, when its creepy calls were drowned out by the gush of the chemical fire eliminator. "Not yum! NOT YUM... angry angry..."

"Hey what's going on?"

Lemony and Florence looked over to the window that Florence had left open. Peering through said window were the faces of Moe the Giraffe, and Raven the Raven.

"Nevermore...?" The raven questioned wisely.

"Wow. That purse definitely looks kind of evil." Moe stuck his long giraffey neck further through the window. "Hey, mindfriends of the anonymous one, whose wild purse is that?"

"AWC's!" Lemony yelled, jumping just out of reach of the purse's snapping jaws. "Its name is Dorian... I think CUJO would have suited it better!"

"Guy names," Moe mused. "That wild purse definitely does not look male to me."

"Yeah, well neither does Hannah Montana," Raven said. "But she keeps telling us she's got the best of both worlds, so I guess we don't know, do we? Nevermore."

"Haha, touche on behalf of both Hannah and Miley!" Moe said gleefully.

"Um..." Florence was trying to fend off Dorian by pushing gusts of wind at it with his wings, but it wasn't working. "Some help guys?!"

"Oh sure," Moe offered, tossing a fluffy pillow in through the window. "Use this to fight off the beast!"

Florence went to grab the pillow, but Dorian bit it first. Feathers flew everywhere, throughout the zen pagoda. The door flew open, and AWC stormed inside, only to be met by a storm of feathers to the face.

"This can only mean one thing," she growled. AWC stomped over to where the wild purse was now cowering from its master under the table, and she yanked it out by the italian leather handles. "EDWARD! You disguised yourself as a purse to stalk me!"

"It was the prettiest thing I could find to disguise myself as," the purse moaned. "Something worthy of my immortal beauty. So rare. So italian leather. I even smell good... for no reason! However, as a purse, my magic is severely limited, and I've found that I can't change myself back!" The wild purse began to sob. "I just wanted to hug your bunny rabbit, and it was so afraid, it ran! I'll never get loved by innocent victims... I mean... objects of my love... ever again!"

The purse sobbed, while AWC reluctantly petted it. "there there. Be this as a lesson to you, Edward, don't go looking through volturi spellbooks for transfiguration recipes. You'll end up as an overpriced italian item every time."

"I know that now," the handbag said through tears. "Can I still stay here?"

"NO!" Florence and Lemony shouted simultaneously.

"I'll keep you on a chain in the yard, okay?" AWC said. "I'll take you for walks frequently, and out there, Bill can keep an eye on you. If there's anyone more immortally sketchy than Edward, it's Bill Kaulitz." She frowned. "And Edward is a cheesy name. You're going to stay Dorian."

"Dorian..." the purse mused.

"That's right." AWC turned to the crowd. "Now... WHO MADE THIS BIG MESS?"



AWC: I did?
Narrator: No. That was just a Big Comfy Couch reference that nobody's gonna get.
Crickets: Ka-CHIRP
Dorian: I wonder what gnome blood tastes like. Is it better than heroin?
Mary-Anne: Medicinal M-J <3
Paolo: Ah... liberals...
Lemony: Liberals? Oh, so THAT's what mutant transfigured hungry purses are called?
Shadow: Yes, Lemony.
Raven: I bet you're not gonna guess what I'm gonna say next. Oh snap you did! Nevermore! That's right!
Moe: Political controversy!
AWC: (eyes squinted shut) apples apples apples apples...

Narrator: More political controversy in every episode means the plot must be getting thicker! Oh, and why did AWC randomly scream in the converstion with her wolf and bandit friends? (*shuffles through pages of script*) I can only figure it was because she was talking to a bandit and a wolf.

Chapter Eighteen ~ Happiness is a glue gun

Another day of twisting, curly tendrils of time wrapped tightly around AWC's ankles as she sat in the silence place. "If I had thicker socks I might slip them off," she said to herself inside her brain, "If I had thicker socks and longer hair."


Quietness hung around dangerously. "What a knot I'm in," she explained as the rain began to fall in heavy bouquets. "While the world around is so pretty."

Elton John came and sat down beside her. "You know what movie was good?" He asked.

"What?" AWC asked, looking up at him and knowing that a grain of pure wisdom was on it's way.

"Australia. With Nicole Kidman."

"You're only saying that because you contributed music to the soundtrack," AWC said, "you're just trying to get publicity through my published thoughts." She frowned. "Stop that!"

"Stop what?"

"Trying to worm your way into the minds of the nonexistant readers I don't know about!"

"What are you talking about?"

AWC glared. "Get out of my dreams now!"

Elton John grinned. "NEVER! Would you like a cupcake?"

***

"NOOOO!" AWC woke up screaming on the floor of her zen pagoda. The first thing she noticed once she had comforted her terrified pet rabbit was the shadow of a face in the window. She almost dropped the half filled mug of coffee she was holding up to Lemony's rabbity lips, but realized in time that it was only one of the lawn gnome substitutes.

"Stop watching me sleep, Bill!" AWC exclaimed. "It's creepy!"

"But I miss you!" Bill Kaulitz replied. "You never spend hours gazing at my hair anymore."

"I've moved on!" AWC said.

"To whom, Elton John? Yes that's right. I know you dream about Elton John. I heard you sleeptalk!"

"Oh my Oprah! You're even worse than Edward Cullen!" AWC frowned and tsk-tsked. "That kid really wanted to live on my lawn. Then eat me. He said something about me being his own brand of mutton or something. I never really could make sense of anything he said."

"But I'm different!" Bill cried, "you said we'd last forever!"

"Forever turned out to be longer than I thought." AWC shrugged. "Go figure."

A howl resonated from somewhere in the woods around the pagoda. "I could always eat him!" Boomed the voice of Shadow the angry wolf who thinks he's an owl. "He'd never ever bother you ever again. You'd just have to get someone to clean up the pellets after. I can hack up some real gross ones sometimes."

AWC and Lemony wrinkled their noses in disgust simultaneously. "I wonder what he pukes when he thinks he's puking pellets," Lemony whispered.

"Why oh why would you ever ask yourself that question?" AWC mourned. "Masochist rabbit! Those mental images are going to haunt you your entire life!"

"Not really. But the ones of Elton John's muffin will."

"IT WAS A CUPCAKE, OKAY?"

Another howl echoed, closer. "I'm really going to eat him guys!"

"SAVE ME!" Bill Kaulitz hammered on the window with his fists.

"AWC?" Sally wandered into the room and sat on the floor next to Lemony and AWC. "Why's Shadow gotta be so mean all the time? Coldhearted wolves scare me!"

"Now, now, he's not mean," AWC comforted. "Just really, really, really hungry."

"Oh." Sally frowned. "There was something I was supposed to tell you but I forgot."

"I'M REALLY GOING TO EAT HIM!"

"Shadow!" AWC called out, "not today!"

"CAN I EAT HIM TOMORROW?"

"No," AWC said, "Now go clean your pellets up! Go!"

In the window, Bill Kaultiz was smiling confidently, because tears of joy would not have been very manly in that situation and he was afraid for his forest position.

"What do you look so happy about?" AWC said, "I still think we need to take a break. Emo tunes aren't good for me right now."

"But what about my hair?" Bill pouted. "You love my hair."

"Oh, Bill, your hair will always be wonderful. But right now I need time to focus on just me. Understand?"

Bill nodded sadly.

"That was awful nice of you," Lemony said.

"Yeah," AWC replied, then whispered, "I couldn't really bear to lose him."

"Bear! That's what I was supposed to tell you!" Sally slapped her forehead. "Henri is spending the night at Mary-Anne's..."

"NO WAY!" AWC leapt to her feet. "I can't believe this! That maneater is sleeping with my bear AGAIN!"

"Well," Lemony reasoned, "she IS a maneater..."

"Which is why I thought my BEAR would be safe..." AWC growled.

"I think you need to invest in more loyal bears," Sally said.

"Baby come back!" a cheesy song began to play just outside the zen pagoda window. "You can blame it all on me!"

"Bill! I need my space!" AWC yelled as she stomped towards the door.

"RUN, BILL, RUN!" Lemony and Sally chorused.

"Eh, he's not gonna make it," Elton John chuckled.

Narrator: Oh wait. Elton John wasn't there. Quick! *roots through scrapped ideas on several loose pages* I need to find some sort of summary that will adequately fix plot-holes, eliminate all the out-of-character actions by characters, add a character or two in because basically no one was in chapter eighteen...
Paolo: That's not my fault! I was visiting Sakuraville!
Dragon Lady: That's not my fault either! I was visiting St. Anarchy's!
The Tome of Superiority: Nothing can ever be my fault. I'm the tome of Superiority, which clearly indicates, well, my superiority. But anyway, I had a date.
Mary-Anne: I was busy sleeping with Henri!
AWC: GRRRRRRRR
Shadow: I was busy trying on random clothing items at the store and taking pictures of how good they made me look.
Jack: It's a good thing for his self confidence that "good" is all relative!
Forget-me-not: I was forgotten.
Moe: I was watching a film with Zac Efron in it.
Dexter: I was trying to compose a plan with which I would sneakily take Bill's place as lawn gnome substitute <3<3<3 (I like to kill the bad people. And really, his hair is extremely sinister.)
Raven: To be, or not to be? To worship, in one way, or another? Who is Love Himself? More interestingly, WHY is Love Himself? Everyone knows where. Everywhere.
Narrator: You know what? Maybe I should interview Gaara of the Desert for the l.g.s. position.
AWC: Narrator! I can handle my own life!
Narrator: apparently you can't.
AWC: This is SO UNFAIR!!!
Narrator: This is SO off topic...
Bill: Baby come back...

Chapter Seventeen ~ Sing it!!!

Evening had fallen upon the forest, and AWC and a friendly local wallaby were watching the area's talent perform astounding feats. Intermission had just ended, and all the furry woodland creatures were scuffling back to their seats with tofu-dogs and ice cold beverages in paw.



"That's not talent..." the wallaby said. "That's a drunken raccoon." He turned to AWC, who was dancing with her arms raised high over her rabbity ears.



"I love his music," she sighed. "It speaks to me."



"That's what you said about Serj Tankian. And the Fratellis. And Air..."



"Lies!" AWC exclaimed, hands over ears. "Lies spew from his lips like bubblegum toothpaste!"



"OF WHAT DO YOU SPEAK?" The wallaby said indignantly. "My lies taste much better than that!"



"As if," said AWC, turning away dramatically. "Stop ruining this song for me. You whine more than a bitter liberal at a hot dog eating contest. Why can't you guys just accept tradition?"



"Did somebody say bitter liberal?" Paolo pushed through the crowd. "That's my job. Nobody better be taking my job. Unless it's another foreigner. The foreigners can take my job if they want."

"He's right about that though," AWC said nodding vigorously. "Without the cheap foreign labor it would be that much harder to get someone to wallpaper my door."

"Hm... door wallpaper..." the wallaby considered. "I've never thought about it before."

"It gives the allusion of being in a land without time elves or space demons," AWC said. "Total super spacy vortex effect."

"I should hire someone to do that," the wallaby decided.

"I'm available cheap!" Paolo exclaimed.

At that point, several freshman squirrels turned their heads simultaneously and stared.

"Does this remind you..." the wallaby said

"Of the sketchy squirrel - lemurish creeper in the Madagascar film? YES," AWC replied.

"Should we escape?"

"No, diversionary tactics will suffice," AWC kindly corrected.

"What kind of diversion?"

"HEY LOOK! THE WALRUS IS BACK!" AWC's face was overcome with a look of horror. "And she's brought Samara, the blair witch, and that thing from the attic in the Grudge!!!"

None of the squirrels moved or looked remotely frightened.

"Oh CENSORSHIP it's SERJ TANKIAN!" The wallaby pointed at a distant point in the forest and began openly weeping. The squirrels could tell by his good acting skills that something was not correct in the forest way, so they scampered off at top speed back into the abyss.

"Hey!!" AWC shouted after them. "His music speaks to me!"

"Freshmen," Paolo spoke sadly. "They wouldn't understand Serj Tankian. Come to think of it, neither do I. The same goes for the Fratellis. And as for Air..."

"Don't..." AWC glared. "Don't you dare..."

Mary-Anne the maneater and Loretta walked over easily, now that the crowd had dispersed and the clearing was, for the most part, empty. "Did someone say cheap foreign labor?" The dragon lady smiled a fanged smile. "I've been looking for someone to wallpaper my door."

"I've been looking for the president..." Mary-Anne stared off into the distance. "He's missing somehow." At that moment, she recieved a text message. "I have to answer..." she twitched addictedly. "It could be him..."

"Anybody want to put together an intervention?" AWC asked. "I'm sure there's enough people she's in the process of eating who care enough about her to help."

"No, it was only the tortoise," the maneater sighed. "Poor misunderstood sacrastic tortoise."

"I agree, he's a halfway decent tortoise, if ever one lived," Paolo replied, "but what are we intervening with? Her and her phone or her and the president?"

"It's pretty fifty fifty. I think his picture's still her background." Loretta leaned her dragony neck over the maneater's shoulder and checked. "Yep."

"It looks like too much work." AWC shook her head. "I give up. Maybe the president's just a maneater-eater."

"All the local foxes say he's the antichrist," the wallaby said.

"That's just the foxes." Loretta said.

"I like foxes," Paolo said. "They're all red fluffy and robin hoodlike."

"Lost in love and I don't know much..." the maneater sang.

"Woah. That's too much controversy for one forest. Begone!!!" AWC curled up on the ground, arms over her head. "Thoughts! Conflicting! Confusion!"

"We can save her!" the snow leopard said, "I know just how!"

At that moment, a huge mega-ultra-super-big-flat-screen tv glided down from the sky, floating delicately on the purple spotted yellow breeze. The leopard, dragon, and maneater all leapt onto it, with room for more!!!

"Quick! Hop on!" They chorused, "We can watch Miyazaki films and planet earth, and every movie in the clouds of creation!"

"Ok..." AWC got up dazedly, and followed the light.

"Wait? What about me?" The wallaby asked.

"It's your turn to sing," Paolo said. "You have to go to the stage."

The wallaby hopped away, knowing what it was to obey.

The other four flew away on the magic television set, high into the sky where the wind blows swiftly and the happy golden rays of the setting sun sang orange, red and pink ballads about what it is to live and to die.

Far below, Narcissa stared in awe at the flying electronic device. "The glider," she whispered. "The glider is among us once more."

Chapter Sixteen ~ Lazy days

"I'm bored. I've got a bad case of ennui." AWC complained to her rabbit while the snowflakes gently fell outside of the Zen Pagoda.

Lemony nodded sympathetically and leaned his head against her knee, falling into a deep, soft sleep.

AWC frowned. "It's so boring today that even my rabbit has fallen asleep. What's up with that?" She gently placed the sleeping lapin on the floor and twirled away across the shiny zen pagoda floor in polka dotted socks. She could see that the window over the kitchen sink was open. "That's odd," she mused, wandering over to close it. "It's snowing... that window shouldn't be open."

THWISHHFFF!!!

A flaming arrow flew through the open window and hit the opposite wall, missing AWC's ears by inches. She could not help but notice there was a note attatched, and the edges were becoming mildly singed. "Egads, no good can come of this..." said she, as the flames began to spread.

"Over here!" AWC's attention was turned to the window, at which the fairy called Forget-me-not did hover. "Catch!" And with that the fairy hurled a Hello Kitty (TM) fire extinguisher that was four times her size at AWC.

AWC stared at the lurid pink metallic fire vanquishing device. "Alright," she said. "But I ordered fries with this. Where are my fries?"

"What? I'm a lawyer! You should have debated the fries issue earlier when fires were being considered. What? Would you forsake your fires for the fries? Then what would become of firefighters? And fryfighters, for that matter. And what of those who fry the fries? Would you take away thousands of jobs from frierfighters across This Great Nation?"

"I'm sorry," AWC said, shaking her head, and wearing a dazed expression. She never could understand anything lawyers had to say.

Frustrated, the fairy flew away.

"I'm sorry..." AWC trailed of dramatically, before aiming the fire extinguisher at the quickly spreading flames, and firing away. "This is why I don't watch Law & Order!!!"

Florence floated down from above and landed in a parrotesque fashion on her shoulder. "I wonder what the note says," AWC pondered.

"I wonder why they can't have just sent it through ME," Florence grumbled in his owly way.

"I'm an excellent messanger."

"Hush you," AWC chided, "You're lucky. Shadow never gets to deliver ANY messages."

"So what? He's a wolf!"

"Shhh!!!"

"I don't get this forest," muttered Florence, shifting his wings and flying away.

Once the fire had, for the most part, been erased, AWC cautiously approached the charred remains of the arrow and unfastened the note. "Great big rocking forest party..." she read aloud, "Be there at five thirty. All characters invited. There will be rice." She paused to ponder. "Well, if there's rice..."

Narrator: Who attends a party for rice? I mean, what is that? Hi, I like you, I enjoy spending time with your... rice?
Raven: NOOOO (*cough* nevermore)
Narrator: What, have a problem with r...
Raven: DON'T SAY IT
Narrator: WHAT? I only said ri...
Raven: No!!!
Narrator: Wait... you're one of those people... those orizaphobics!
Raven: How do you know... about... the disease.....
Narrator: I wikied it.
Raven: ...
Narrator: anyway...

Twenty percent of the woodland creatures appeared at the party on time. Forty percent of the woodland creatures appeared fifteen minutes late. Ten percent arrived early. Twenty nine percent showed up half an hour late.

At six ten, AWC made her barefooted way to the central bonfire in the Heavenly forest, where the party was to be held.

"Welcome friend!" the Dragon lady greeted, soaring up into the sky and breathing fire into the heavens like a many-scaled firework.

"Where's Narcissa?" AWC asked. Narcissa was regularly found with the dragon lady. Dragons and nymphs usually stay together, you see. However, although there were dancing raccoons, the odd sword swallowing beast, and masked turtles in the heat of battle, Narcissa was nowhere to be found.

"Oh, she is most likely writing angst-ridden poetry about photocopiers," Maryanne the Maneater offered.

"Or she's going to surprise us all with dangerous psychological shadows, the better to cause havoc..." Paolo the foreigner snow leopard shook his spotted head. "It's not natural."

"What's not natural is that new flo rida song," AWC corrected.

"Hey! I like it." Paolo pouted, jutting his fangs out to look simultaneously sulky and menacing. "It's groovy, okay?"

The maneater, dragon lady, and AWC stared. "Yeah okay..."

A moment of awkward silence followed, like the koolaid man after we shut him in the walk in freezer.

"It's my birthday," the dragon lady said.

"That's amazing," AWC said. "But my rabbit fell asleep so I forgot to make you a card."

"Happy birthday," Said Paolo, "But I was too busy flying to Nirvana on the wings of spotted moths to purchase for you a gift."

"Congratulations," the maneater said, "But I think I see Narcissa so everyone should probably hide if they don't want to develope multiple personality disorder. I mean, yes, it fits some people very well. Sybil? Made her famous. My cat..."

"Haven't you heard, though?" The tome of Superiority said, "it's called Dissociative identity disorder now."

Narrator: Yeah, he basically came out of nowhere. Don't like it? Deal with it.

"Where did you learn that?" AWC asked.

"That was a clever question, Belinda," the tome replied. "In fact, I wikied it. A wonderful device, wikipedia... almost as valuable as lioncash."

"My name's not Belinda..." AWC said. "My name's..."

"Beatrice! Of course!" The tome of superiority chortled with amusement. "How ever could I have forgotten?"

"It's AWC... don't you care about who I am as a person? Don't you even appreciate the social uniqueity and specialiation of my NAME??" Tears emerged in the corners of her sorrowful eyes.

"Your name is three letters..." The tome shrugged. "I am full of too much knowledge to remember such trivialities. For instance, if you were to ask me to read something you had written? I'd forget. That's just the way it is when you befriend pure genius."

"I knew you wouldn't understand..." AWC said, tossing her long golden hair over one shoulder, and leaving.

In her absence, the maneater, dragon lady, foreigner, and tome stood around awkwardly.

Narrator: My my this is an awkward chapter.

"So... what's her problem?" the maneater asked.

"Err... well... I didn't get her a lemonade. I think that's it." The tome shrugged.

"Ah." The snow leopard nodded. "Yes, I bet that's it. She does enjoy her lemonade."

"Should someone do something?" Loretta asked.

"Nah," Maryanne replied, "She locked her keys in the car. She's not going anywhere. Plus, it's beginning to rain."

"Is it?" The Tome of superiority asked with a gleeful glint in his eye.

Narcissa arrived on the scene, out of breath. "Happy birthday love," she said to the dragon lady, "I'm sorry I'm late. But I've heard the most amazing rumor and I had to spread it 'round, you know?" She chuckled. "You know you love me!"

"Well, what is it then?" Loretta asked, unimpressed.

"Raven's getting married. Tonight! At midnight! By that bonfire!!!" She pointed at the bonfire.

"NO WAY!!!" The others gasped. "To whom???"

"Nobody knows..." Narcissa giggled. "It's all been kept very hush hush. On the DL, if you know what I'm sayin."

"I'm still displeased," the dragon lady said huffily, "even though this is juicy. You were late! And it's my BIRTHDAY!!!"

"Oh, calm down," Narcissa rolled her eyes. "You'll forgive me."

"And why?" Loretta asked.

"I got you Chuck Bass for your birthday."

Narrator: the screaming continued on for a long time afterward, even when all the guests had departed. But meanwhile...

AWC, Shadow the Angry Wolf, Moe the Giraffe, and Jack the theif all sat around a smaller fire, elsewhere in the Humongous Party Arena of Celebration. Tents were being set up, and they were lucky enough to snag spots under one before the rain really hit. AWC was already soaked, however.

"That really was a rotten thing to do to a person," Moe said, shaking his head sadly. "I mean, who invites someone to a party and then forgets their name? It's despicable. It's mean. It's absolutely ludicrously riduculous."

"Yeah I know. I mean, that's almost as bad as not saving somebody a seat at church, a social event, or at one of my amazingalicious plays." Jack snorted. "Horrible. Callous."

"Totally. That's like... oh wait. You're making a big deal out of nothing." Shadow grunted. "Why does no one at this party appreciate football?"

AWC sniffed, choosing to ignore the last comment. "Yeah. And I tried to leave but my car was gone."

Narrator: Somewhere deep in the forest, the tome of superiority was sitting in a cozy armchair next to a telephone, with the phonebook on his lap open to the page of a listing for a local tow truck company. Mad chuckling ensued.

A couple short hours later...

Raven stood in front of the bonfire, a singed note clutched in his wingtips. "Nevermore," he commented wisely. "Well, I don't think I'm late." He pulled a pocketwatch out of his pocket. "Yep. Midnight. Just like it says." He sat down. "I wonder who this secret admirer is..."

"SURPRISE!" Paolo the foreigner snow leopard, Maryanne the Maneater, Loretta the Dragon lady, and Narcissa all came out from their hiding places and began throwing rice merrily at the fellow called Raven. "CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MARRIAGE!!!"

"Nooo!" Raven's eyes grew wide like great big silver dollars. "It can't be! Not! RIICEEEE!!! NEVERMORE!"

He ran away quickly from the heaps of rice being thrown in his direction, but the much too merry partygoers chased him around the laughing bonfire, and did so until the sun came up.

I don't think he's ever going to be the same again.

Chapter Fifteen ~ I just can't take people seriously when they eat bananas

The birds in the heavenly forest chirped in harmony in the lovely midmorning. Rosy sunlight filled the woods around the Zen pagoda with cheerful fuzzy warm quietness. The walrus was sleeping, so the woodlanders felt safe and happy.





"NOOOO!!!!" AWC woke up in her zen pagoda screaming.





"Oh no!" Lemony exclaimed. "Florence, quick, remember our post-apocalyptic training?"





"Yes!" Florence flew in through the window, first aid kit strapped tightly to his back. "I knew this day would come!"





"Excellent! I'll get the fire extinguisher!"





"I've got the pickaxe!"

With that, the small rabbit and owl both ran out the door doing their best impressions of war cries. "We've got this covered, AWC, don't worry!" Lemony called back. "AAAAIIIIEEEEEE!!!!"

AWC sat and stared. "Well. Don't see that every morning."

"Hey!" AWC heard a shout. A rock came flying through one of the windows of the zen pagoda, crushing the glass into smitherines. "Oh, CRAP!"

"Paolo! You're such a moron! You're supposed to throw small rocks! Now she's got to think up a new window!"

"Why are you always so judgemental of me, Loretta? Ugh!"

"Anyone capable of using logic would see that you can't hurl a huge rock at a window and not expect it to break!"

"Guys, can't you just chill?"

AWC hobbled dazedly over to the hole in the wall and shiny pile of glass on the floor where the window used to be. "This is inconvenient," she said, trying to tiptoe around the glass pieces. Glass and bare feet don't go very well together. We tried setting them up once, but the whole affair got blown majorly out of proportion and the two never spoke again. They don't even take the same subway anymore!

Director: CUT! Ok. Narrator. Can I call you Narry? No? Ok. I think you're overdoing it a smidge with the whole personifying and the creepy and the...

Narrator: What? Can't I use my creative skills from time to time?

Director: Sorry, what creative skills?

Chapter Fourteen ~ Until someone came along and harshed my mellow...

"So there I was, being chill." AWC skated neatly across the thin ice. Unfortunately, at that same moment there was an unforseeable gravity surge. She slipped and fell flat on her face.

"Hmm," the dragon lady said with a sagely nod, and knelt down next to AWC to make sure she was still alive. "Well, you and chill. Not friends."

"Well, yeah, warn me now Loretta."

The dragon lady rolled her eyes and waited patiently for the half mad fiction writer to continue her tale of dramatic woe, for the sadness AWC suffered weighed her heart down like unwelcome icicles at the point of one's chin, unbalancing one's zen and causing one to tip ever so slightly forward...

PRODUCER: CUT!
Narrator: That's the line. I can't deliver it any better than that.
Writer: You ruined it! You made it sound a million and ten times worse than I imagined! Try again!
Narrator: The line sucks.
Writer: Well maybe you suck!
PRODUCER: Oooh! I've been waiting for this opportunity my whole life... ok... YOUR MOM sucks...
Narrator AND writer: Dude....

"Woah..." AWC's eyes widened, almost in the same way mine did when I first caught sight of the alien invaders. "Something about the logical break that happened within the last sixty or so seconds made me think of soft ice cream..."

"Subliminal advertising..." Moe the giraffe happily proclaimed as he skated by. "It's how we make the big bucks."

"No way." AWC slapped her wide forehead. "A giraffe can ice skate and I can't. Curse my woeful inadecquacy!"

"Curse your ADD," Loretta corrected.

"Oh yeah. Well, I was just being chill. I'm too uptight, you know?" AWC took that moment to grab her rabbit ears and wring them nervously. "Well. I was trying to stay cool. You know, real cool? And then this happened." She threw her hands dramatically in the air, gesturing towards the snow covered trees all around. "My mind is frozen!"

"Not completely frozen," the dragon lady consoled her. "I've seen some pretty decent ideas wandering around. And it's nice, really, we haven't had snow in ages."

"I don't even dream about my own thoughts anymore," AWC moaned.

Loretta stared. "What do you dream about?"

"Canadian cartoon characters."

"Ooh, that's bad." Loretta put a comforting taloney hand/paw??? on AWC's shoulder. "It will get better. The sun will come out tomorrow and all that..."

"OH NO IT WON'T." Paolo ran over to them, and sat on the ground nearby. "You can't cancel winter! We haven't had winter here in months! It's always Christmas, but never winter! It's just WRONG!"

"Winter will be over anyway," the dragon lady reasoned, "the second AWC has some good curry."

"But there's so much more to winter than snow on your paws or a breeze in your fur," Paolo protested. "It's the happy feeling of knowing that you'll be safe and warm as long as you have friends, blankets, coffee, and Korean cartoon marathons!"

Shadow the Angry Wolf could not bear to keep his nose out of the situation any longer. "Football," he growled. "Football, football, and more football. And snow football. Snow football is good. Although fall, (not winter), is pretty much the ultimate superior in every way."

"Make that Canadian cartoons and you might have a deal," AWC said. Needless to say, she missed the point and everyone was perplexed for about five minutes.

"I heard a rumor that she's been dreaming about the library of learning, too," Shadow said, shaking his head in sympathy for his friend who had obviously gone bonkers.

"Learning..." Paolo's eyes rolled up into the back of his head, and he toppled over.

"Hey, who's learning without me? I've got tons of facts for anyone who's interested. Well, none of them are particularly useful facts, but that's quite alright, because I've traveled far and long enough to know that none of YOU are particularly useful people!" The Tome of Superiority chuckled with glee. You would too if you could only be so superior. Superiority.

"Oh no!" AWC ran over to Paolo's lifeless body. "Speak to me, oh friend of snow and spotted leopardosity! It can't end like this! You've got so much to live for!" She shook his shoulders in mad panic.

Shadow stood there feeling awkward. Finally he let out a long sigh. "Well, if I wasn't too wise to converse with normal people, this probably wouldn't have happened. I have only myself to blame."

"It's a burden to bear, certainly," the Tome of Superiority said. "Wisdom, I mean. Alot of times it's like a lake, cool, and calm, placid and refreshing. But sometimes, the winds of experience can freeze that wise water into a pointy icicle that, by its very nature, just happens to get itself lodged (accidentally or by design) into somebody's eye. It's not the icicle's fault. Under better conditions, it might have been welcome."

The forest ice skaters all paused, some of them falling over, to stare.

"To be understood!" The Tome of Superiority exclaimed in frustration.

"Woah..." Shadow shook his wolfy head. He probably thought he was antistiffening his feathers or something. "You know, I don't even know what to say to that."

PRODUCER: Oh my anticlimax! What the heck is the narrator doing?
Writer (wringing hands anxiously): Well, uh, sir... the narrator is... um... impaling himself with a rusty spoon... I think... It looks kind of like a fork, but if it was a fork he wouldn't be having so much trouble, see, with the whole getting it to go through his flesh, and...
PRODUCER: My good man, that's a spork!
Writer: Well, heh, so it is...
Shadow: I can see why. *Snarl* These lines are crap. I always know what to say.
Jack the Theif: I don't even get any lines! AND THIS IS OUR CHRISTMAS EPISODE!
Maryanne the Maneater: Everyone's supposed to get lines in Christmas episodes.
Lemony: Especially the cute comic relief rabbit!
Florence: And the cute comic relief owl!
Narrator: So... wrong... all... wrong... can't... live... in a world... where...
Raven the raven: Nevermore. Someone needs to stop the narrator from going through with ritual suicide.
AWC: but what deus ex machina could possibly fix this whole mess? Paolo died! And where is the bloody writer!!!
Writer: Well, it's a funny story actually *nervous laugh* I mean, where I got the idea for, well, there was this soft ice cream... and then, well, so there I was being chill...
Narrator: HOW DARE YE
Writer: *choke*
Moe: Was that spork... RuSTy??
Loretta: Alas, poor writer?
Sally: Hey guys, the deus ex machina I ordered off of Amazon came in the mail!

"HEH HEH HEH..." Santa cackled in very sketchy loner laugh.

"What's wrong with his laugh?" AWC paused from leaning over Paolo's corpse to stare at Santa.

"Do you think Mrs. Claus left him or something?" The dragon lady guessed. "He doesn't sound healthy..."

"Stand back friends!" Shadow's fur bristled, and he crouched down, ready to attack. "This one's got the plague."

"Freddie Highmore has sent me to save Christmas and resurrect Paolo the foreigner snow leopard. Oh. And give out weapons." Santa smiled in a jolly way. "There! Plot resolved."

"But why did Freddie Highmore give him the plague first..." Shadow wondered aloud.

Sally shrugged. "It was a limited time offer that I had for the deus ex machina. You see, if you order in time for the Christmas season, you get all sorts of all powerful story resolvers at just a fraction of the original cost! Like remember that foggy christmas story? It was 450 pages and going nowhere fast. Santa orders a light up reindeer off the internet, and voila! Instant classic!"

"I was actually just looking for some discount christmas decorations," Santa admitted embarrassedly. "But Rudolph... he's turned my hobby writing into a lucrative career!"

"Another problem saved by the internet!" Sally grinned. "Ooh, that reminds me. Since it's christmas, oh wonderful AWC, can I please have a... touch screen? All the other muses have them."

AWC shook her head. "Forget it kid."


&&&FROM ALL OF THE CREATURES IN THE HEAVENLY FOREST, MERRY CHRISTMAS. LATE. AND WE FIRED THE EXTRA WRITER, AFTER THE NARRATOR KILLED HIM. AND PAOLO SURVIVED. HE'S STILL REALLY, REALLY JUMPY THOUGH. UM. THIS IS A REALLY AWKWARD NOTE TO END ON SO WE'LL THROW IN SOME MORE HOLIDAY CHEER. JINGLE BELLS. DECK THE HALLS. KIDNAP THE SANDY CLAWS. OH. AND HAPPY NEW YEAR.&&&