Chapter Five. MY NAME IS SALLY

AWC carried the feeble old Silverstream in her arms, into the superstore. It looked something like a really old elf. Her long black hair was tinged with gray and her pale silver face was covered with wrinkles and small scars. Her black ball gown was singed at the tips and worn at the collar and sleeves. She had once been an excellent muse, perfect for all the fiction writing AWC did. Now, however, she was slurring her words whenever she tried to sing, and her voice was hoarse and tired.

"My, you are an old little thing aren't you?" AWC frowned and patted her muse on the forehead. (Speaking of foreheads, AWC's was still adorned with the unicorn horn, and people stopped and stared as she passed). The withered creature tried to sing, and emitted a sad, small chirp.

Three blind rabbits hopped down the sidewalk in a single file line in front of them. They cackled mischieviously.

"There there, the Geek Squad doctors will be able to fix you, I'm sure," AWC said. "Shh, don't try to sing."

"Chirp!"

***

"The Geek Squad doctoors will be able to feex her, I'm shoor of eet." The nurse dude who was standing there was a foreigner, and he spoke so quietly, AWC was having trouble understanding what he was saying.

"How much?" She asked, closing her eyes in anticipation of the intense pain of learning the cost to fix her muse.

"50 bucks for her diagnosis, and then, probably about 120 more to proceed with the operation." The foreigner shook his head.

"This is ludicrous!" AWC pounded her fist on the table. "I've got rights too you know!"

The man just looked at her.

Silverstream coughed.

"You might be interested in a newer model," the man suggested.

AWC frowned down at Silverstream. "Well you are awful large to carry," she said. She turned to the nurse. "But this is my muse, sir... she's been through alot with me..."

"The problem is her throat. She cannot sing loudly the way she is, and the effort is making her singing sound, frankly, terrible. You can buy her a microphone later, and you can still have her around. It would just be too awkward to carry. My suggest is you buy her a microphone, and get a new model to take around WITH you."

AWC shook her head, her steel blue eyes boring into his. After a whole minute of cold staring, she spoke. "You... are heartless..."

"I am Sally!" A young female elvish thing scrambled out from behind a rack of colorful digital photographers. She was wearing a green sundress and she was barefoot. Her eyes were light green, her hair was dark bluegreen, and her skin was silver. "Not Heartless, SALLY."

AWC winced, trying not to give in. "It's... so..."

Sally clasped her tiny hands together, closed her eyes, and sang a ditty about a girl who broke her little bones on the boulders below.

"Cute!" AWC couldn't resist blurting out. "Kawaii! Mignonne! Adorable!"

"Not Cute," Sally stopped singing, "Not Kawiyee, not minyon, not adoble. Sally. Sally Sally Sally!"

The nurse smiled. "Sally is equipped with an inexpensive health care coverage plan, so if she breaks we can set her right for literally nothing!"

"How much?" AWC asked warily.

"All together with health insurance, 230 bucks."

AWC glared at Silverstream. "This is your fault you know," she complained. "how could you do this to me? After I fixed your filing system? You just wanted to settle down so bad you'd make me pay for a microphone and a new portable muse?"

Silverstream smiled and chirped.

"Fine..." AWC said. "Here's your money, you stupid vulture." She paid the nurse.

"Thank you so much, you stupid narwhol." The nurse grinned evilly.

"OK Do you WANT to know how MUCH DAMAGE I can do with my newly aquired weaponage?" AWC growled, pointing to the horn, which was now glowing. "In a certain Narnia book, some dude was gored to death by one of these."

Just then the nurse pulled a chainsaw out of his pocket. "I've heard these can do some 'damage' too..." he laughed evilly.

"HAVE AT THEE!" AWC dropped Silverstream, who chirped indignantly as she fell to the ground and sat there. AWC then started attacking the Geek squad nurse with the unicorn.... um... blade?

Narrator: How many times can I say the word "unicorn horn" without it being redundant?
Sally: Exactly twice, but there have to be four paragraphs in between. You're out of luck.
Silverstream: *coughs* *sputters*
Shadow the angry wolf: I don't even make an appearance in this stupid story! Oh wait...
Bunnies: Meheheheheheh

AWC and the geeksquad nurse did battle. Silverstream sat there staring with wide eyes, while the very excited Sally jumped up and down, first cheering for the random nurse, then cheering for AWC, then cheering for herself, and then repeating.

The doors to the supermart opened wide, and in strode Simon from the Spiderwick Chronicles Movie, who is sometimes referred to as "Jared", or occasionally "August Rush".

"I'm a pacifist," he told the viewers. "And this episode is too violent for the series rating. That means you have to stop fighting." He raised his British hands and the chainsaw disappeared from the nurse's hands, and the horn disappeared from AWC's head.

So the moral of the story is, geek squad will overcharge you... and that's ok, because Freddie Highmore will always be there to save the day with his amazing and limitless powers...

An editor of this blog in an office far away: *looks up from wikipedia article* OH MY GOSH FREDDIE HIGHMORE WAS THE VOICE OF PANTALAIMON IN THE GOLDEN COMPASS? YOU HAVE TO ADD THAT INTO CHAPTER FIVE SOMEHOW!

Narrator: No I won't, that's stupid, the only stuff anyone cared about that he was in was August Rush, and everyone loves to laugh at the spiderwick chronicles. No one cares about his voice acting!

Editor: But the Golden Compass is incredibly controversial and popular, and pantalaimon is a main character...

Narrator: No, it's not going in chapter five at all and that's final. Let me end it where I've ended it, damn you!

Editor: You're fired!

Narrator: You can't fire me, you don't exist!

Editor: Neither do you!

Narrator: Yeah but I was here first. I officially fire you!

Editor: You can't do that!

Narrator: Oh yeah?
Editor: Yeah!
Narrator: Oh yeah?
Editor: Yeah!
Narrator: Oh yeah?

And the sun set far off in the distance, where Freddie Highmore was being all legendary, with Elvis, Robin Hood, and Chuck Norris.

Chapter Four... A Secret Just For Me

AWC woke up this fine morning in her peace-pagoda in the middle of Heavenly Forest. It was only the previous day that the narrator had bothered to tell her the forest's name. The narrator was going to tell her sooner, but hey, narrators need lives too.

AWC: get on with it.

Narrator: sorry.

So anyway, AWC pushed her hair back and realized that she had regular ears again. Good-bye rabbit ears. She couldn't decide if she was pleased or sorry for it. She sincerely hoped that today she would not have any other random deformity, but there was no quick way to check, because in order for a pagoda to be peaceful, it is necessary to not have any mirrors.

She rose to her feet (which were and are always bare here), and wandered across the wood floors. Zen pagodas can't have carpeting either, it interferes with the zen. You have no idea how much bad energy gets trapped in carpet fibres. One wall of the one-story pagoda was not much more than a doorframe, without a door. In this way, AWC's inner mind space was connected to her emotionally influencable outer mind, which was the forest. This could get inconvenient because when it snows in the forest, the mind gets awfully cold, and AWC doesn't even have enough mental capacity to stow a coat or hat or anything.

It wasn't snowing today. The sun was shining through the leaves, speckling the trees with bright little spots of light.

She approached the doorframe, exited, and stood on the doorstep. The doorstep had a little brown mat for brushing snow off the boots she never wore. In fuzzy black letters it wrote "YOU ARE MOST CERTAINLY NOT WELCOME. LEAVE AT ONCE. THIS NOTICE DOES NOT APPLY TO JESUS"

By now she was accustomed to the nonwelcoming welcome mat. What she was not used to was the tiny white gift box that sat on it. It was a perfect cube, wrapped in thin white paper, and tied with a gold ribbon. There was a gift tag attached to it.

To: AWC
A secret just for you. To be yours always, to share with whom you will.
Love always,
Love.

"It seems someone wants me to have this," AWC said to herself, lifting the box up and tucking it into one of the super huge sleeves of the kimono she realized she was wearing. "What do you know? A secret just for me..."

No sooner had she tucked it away than immediately she was faced with Loretta the dragon lady, Paolo the foreigner, Mary-Anne the Maneater, Suzumebachi the suzumebachi, and Shadow the wolf who thinks he's an owl.

"We heard you recieved a secret by owl post today," Loretta said happily, while snorting small puffs of cinnamonny smoke out her nose. She was a pretty dragon because she was a dark shade of violet. Some dragons are just green.

Out of a nearby tree, AWC's snowy owl, Florence, flew down and landed on her shoulder, talons extended. "That she did," Florence said haughtily, closing his eyes and looking very pleased with himself. "I always bring all her packages safely. This one's from Love Himself. It's meant just for her, too."

"Just for her?" Shadow snorted through his wolfish snout. Which was strange of him because owls don't snort so there was little reason why he should've thought he would be able to. "Why would she want it all to herself?"

AWC looked back at the pagoda. Through the wide doorway she could see all of the things she kept there only for herself. All she could see was a shoebox full of embarassments she was to ashamed to share.

"Well," AWC frowned and gazed down at the little box, "I do want this one, I think."

"You don't want to share any bit of it with us?" Paolo asked. He sounded disappointed.

"I share everything with all of you," AWC said. She felt bad. She didn't want to let her friends down. She knew this was her secret, and all the other small secrets she had already told some or all of these friends. Just when she thought she had emptied her heart on the table, Love gave her this little unopened box, with the thin white paper and the silky golden ribbon. A secret.

The suzumebachi gave up immediately and flew away with her stuffed bunny.

The foreigner, the dragon lady, and the maneater all left afterwards, all certain that they would find out soon enough.

All that was left was Shadow. "So you're not going to share it at all. Not one little bit. Not even if I can help?" He asked.

"No I can't," AWC said with a sigh. "I hope that's ok."

"No it's not at all!" Shadow protested, "In fact, it's downright..."
But he got a buzz on his cell phone and had to answer. He was distracted enough by this interruption to completely forget about the secret he was badgering for, and after he had done chatting, he looked at AWC, confused. "Do you remember why I'm here?" He asked.

"Not at all," AWC answered.

"Oh. Well, just in case I haven't already told you, you've got a horn growing out straight from the center of your forehead." He nodded goodbye, turned, and left.

AWC reached out a hand and tried to rub her forehead. Sure enough, straight in the center, was a long horn, like that of a unicorn or narwhal.

She sighed again. "No more Peter S. Beagle for me," she chided herself. She retreated back into the pagoda, where there was a small coffee table that hadn't been there before. It also had a tag.

"To put your secret on. and your coffee mug. Love always, Love. P.S. Give Florence a nice treat, will you? It took him forever to carry this thing to your pagoda all the way from Higher Power Inc."

AWC blinked.
Blinked.
Blinked.
Closed her eyes.
Sat on the floor.
Opened her eyes.
Blinked.
Blinked.
Closed her eyes, just for a second.
Slept.

The little white box fell from her sleeve and landed gracefully in her palm. It was warm and glowwy.

Chapter three: Have some Courage

AWC and a Suzumebachi sat like bums on a couch in the middle of a deep, thick forest. They were watching three angry female skunks catfighting.

The Suzumebachi leaned back and shifted uncomfortably. "It's not much of a substitute for reality tv," she complained.

AWC shook her head, not turning her eyes from the dramatic furry woodland creatures. "Look, one of them's pulled hair out from another one's tail... ouch. Burn."

The Suzumebachi's stuffed bunny jumped up from where it had been sitting. "Only you can prevent forest fires!" It stopped looking frantic only when Suzumebachi gave it a comforting pat between the ears.

"There there," the killer bee said in a soothing voice, "Good little bunny-chan."

"You should train it or something," AWC said, as one skunk shoved another skunk hard in the ribs. "Like to detect environmental danger."

The Suzumebachi sighed. "I could but that would require work."

"Yeah. Work's rough."

Chapter two, the very fine line.

AWC walked a fine line. The line was thin and blue. It resembled embroidery thread, and if she examined it closely, she could have seen tiny bits of fuzz coming off of it that shone white in the sunlight. But she didn't examine it closely, because she was walking it.

Over a river filled with angry sharks, piranhas and coyotes.

The wind blew up at her, cold because of the river below. It made the line sway. It made her sway. She knew that one step amiss could send her hurtling downwards to her doom, her demise, their dinner. She held her breath, she was very afraid.

This is how she was spending her birthday.

Then it happened. She was walking the very fine line and then she did it. She let go, she stepped off, deliberately, and dove down. She was trusting. Trusting is important. Without the ability to trust, she didn't want to walk the very fine line. She had to jump off to make sure she could jump off.

"Wake up! Wake up!" She was jostled awake from her place sleeping peacefully in her Zen pagoda in the middle of the forest. She was quite frightened to behold the sight of a suzumebachi upon her awakening, but then she remembered that the suzumebachi was her sister so it was ok.

"AUGH!" she exclaimed, swatting at the killer bee.

"You were asleep again!" She buzzed, flying around with a stuffed rabbit. "You cannot sleep in your pagoda. You need to be awake here."

"Why?" AWC moaned, still tired.

"Because it is a metaphor for your mind and your mind cannot sleep because, well, I say so! The world says so! Fate and his brother say so!"

"Mind... can't... what?"

"Sleep! No rest! Not for you! Even in your thoughts!"

But AWC was gone again.

Falling through the air, without one chance in hell of survival, all the sudden AWC had a chance of survival. She fell into a butterfly net held over the water by an unknown somebody. (Narrator: aka me)

Once on shore, she sat and tried to regain control of her raging terror. Sitting beside her placidly was an angry wolf who thought he was an owl.

"You really need to gain control over your raging terror," he exclaimed, licking a wet paw that he thought was a talon.

"I know." AWC did not have any paws to lick in a dignified way. All she had at the moment were great long flopping rabbit ears that were currently hanging over face. She tried to wring the water out of them.

"You should try sometime." He stood up and turned to leave. "There's nothing to be scared of here. It's all in your head." He then went away.

AWC sat there and stared at the river as a coyote swam by, snapping his jaws in her general direction.

Then she woke up.

Chapter One. Librarianity for the new you

Picture this.


Our hero, AWC, arrived at the library only slightly late, ready for work. Unfortunately, she could not make it over to the book cart due to the rows and rows of yet-to-be-sorted nuggets of literary wisdom (yeah, books), lying on the floor directly in her path. "I thought we were getting a sub while I was gone!" She exclaimed to the kindhearted librarian who at the time was standing behind the desk to AWC's left.

"Well," she replied, smiling sadly, "we all did what we could to put them away, when we had time..."

AWC made it to the book cart, which was filled with books, audiobooks, videos, and DVDs. Out of habit, AWC would always put away the DVDs first. She wheeled the cart over to the DVD section. Somebody had apparently had a jolly good time taking DVDs from the shelves and cleverly shoving them back precisely where they did not belong. It was a very attractive artistic display, AWC thought to herself. I mean, who puts DVDs on a shelf vertically anymore? It's so lovely and modern to stack them horizontally ON TOP of other, less fashionable vertically shelved ones. That way there's a marvelous collection of perpendicular lines, with fantastic ninety-degree angles.

AWC was forced to correct them though, because unfortunately, the library is not a place for art. It's a place of learning.

She was examining the back of a DVD when another librarian, who looked very stressed out, and very much in need of some hot tea, hurriedly walked over. "Please, there isn't time to look at the backs today," she said most frantically, gesturing towards the rows of books who were peacefully sleeping on the floor.

AWC dramatically held up the copy of NARUTO: VOLUME 1. "But I want this one!"

"Well, ok," the librarian said, "but today we need to hurry!"

AWC sighed and continued to work. The DVDs were laughing at her. "Cut it out!" she hissed at them, putting in her headphones to silence them.

And the Fratellis took her stress away

Seek the end and you'll find the means

So does anonymous writer need a name besides "she"? I'm not entirely sure. Let's ask her.

@@@@@@@

Narrator: anonymous writer character, if you had a name what would it be?

Anonymous Writer Character: That's not possible, I'm anonymous.

Narrator: No you're not. You're somebody, aren't you? Everybody's somebody.

Anonymous Writer Character: Not really. I used to be imaginary. I'm just retired now.

Narrator: Imaginary friends can't retire

Anonymous Writer Character: Heck yes they can. I decided to become real.

Narrator: What's the difference, then.

Anonymous Writer Character: The difference is obviously that I'm real now.

Narrator: Well what's so great about being real? Oh, and can I call you AWC?

Anonymous Writer Character: AWC is fine.

Narrator: Ok, AWC. Why would you want to be real?

AWC: So that I could mean something to people for an extended period of time, and not be forgotten.

Narrator: But AWC, you're a fictional character that the real writer who's typing this right now created about a month ago. You're not real, you're never going to be real.

AWC: At least I'm more than just a voice.

Narrator: (sighs) True. True. So, got any friends?

AWC: My reporter friend who's so much cooler than me.

Narrator: Others?

AWC: Many. I have my fellow Order members, that's shadow and Jack. There's also Raven and all your mom's children, Paolo, Loretta, and Mary-Anne. There's Narcissa and Forget-me-not. Forget-me-not is a cat, Narcissa is just a Narcissist, but she will definitely discover what's up before we all do. Paolo is a foreigner, Loretta is a dragon lady, Mary-Anne is a maneater, Raven is probably sane, Jack is searching for his true self, and shadow is shadow. I think shadow might be an owl but I'm not positive, he seems more like a wolf to me.

Narrator: fewer things are worse than wolves disguised as owls.

AWC: I agree with you one hundred percent.

Narrator: got any more... um... characters?

AWC: Hmmm. Sensei and Chameleon. Then there's a suzumibachi. And a margarine-substitute. Then a hedgehog midget mastermind and a great mooselover. The list goes on.

Narrator: are any of these people real?

AWC: they aren't all people

Narrator: Which ones are people then?

AWC: your guess is as good as mine.

Narrator: So your name's going to stay AWC forever?

AWC: my name actually changes alot. And I have many of them. Many changing names.

Narrator: Oh great. You know what? AWC is good enough for me. Let's stick with that. Yeah. That works.

AWC: I have a question now.

Narrator: Ok, shoot.

AWC: Are you and me the same being?

Narrator: Are you and me the same being?

Imagine the world a bit smaller

I still haven't figured out how to indent with blogs like these. It doesn't seem right that I can't just use the tab button. Oh well, life's still okay and all that.

I have plenty and more to do.

Um, I'm bad at this.

How bout a story?

~@~@~@~@~@~@~

Once upon a time there was a clever and resourceful investigative reporter. She had many friends and went on wonderful and exciting adventures. One day, however, she went on an adventure and did not return.

Leaving the narrative to the reporter's dearest friend, the half mad fiction writer with no life.

This crazed writer character, (a blond female, about 5'6'') wandered through the wilderness; the swamps of Winny, the forests of Stres, and the mountains of Sumr Asynmens. One day, she was in one of the many similarly named forests, when she heard a voice calling her, from the heavens above.

"Hey you! Why don't you do something with your free time besides bumming on virtual pet sites and hoping that somebody will actually text you back for once!"

"My," the anonymous writer said, "perhaps this is a good idea."

So she came to that quiet place in the woods, you know the one, where you always go to escape your family and various annoying friends? The place where you go to think? To sort things out?

And that's where she stayed.

And that's why she's writing this.

To be continued?

I don't know.