Chapter Nineteen ~ Love lifts us up where we belong!

None of the creatures would ever suspect what lurked deep within the shadier reasons of the Heavenly forest. Hidden from the eyes of the common furry woodland creatures, hidden by foliage, by darkness, by weather and time, was a creature older than even than the walrus, the silver dog, or even the narrator...

Narrator: ....I'm not old. Just youthfully challenged. Hmph.

Hmm, well anyway, this thing, would at this time venture away from its place in the recesses of forestliness, to prey upon the best loved half human ever to walk the winding paths... our own AWC...

"LEMONY!"

The rabbit winced and massaged his long furry ears. "I really wish she wouldn't yell so much."

Florence snorted. "I just wish she'd remember I exist every now and then!"

"Lemony!" AWC came running into the zen pagoda, skidding across the zen pagoda floor in her besocked feet and colliding head first with a wall. "Ouch! Help!"

The rabbit hopped over to assist, while the owl stayed put, turning his beak/nose to the ceiling. "Well she didn't ask me to help," he said.

AWC righted herself, and both owl and rabbit could see that in her arms she had a tightly wrapped tissue paper package. "Look! I brought a new friend!! He's going to live with us now."

Lemony sniffed the tissue paper. "What is it?" he asked.

The tissue paper exploded into a thousand little bits that rained on the floor all around them, startling the rabbit while sending it flying backwards, hitting the owl, and propelling both into the air. The glass coffee table broke their fall.

Where the tissue paper package had been, there was now an elegant Italian leather handbag. "Aww," AWC poked it and smiled. "It's playing." The bag zipped and unzipped itself, muttering a low growl. "Aren't you a cutie? Yes you are... yes, yes you are..."

"I don't LIKE IT," Lemony complained, rubbing a bruised rabbit foot. That can't be good luck.

"Nor do I!" Florence said, forgetting about his insecurity issues to advocate the removal of the dangerous accessory.

"It's not an IT," AWC corrected, stroking the handle of the currently muttering purse. "HIS name is Dorian," she smiled. "Yay..."

"WHY are you YAYING that... that..." Lemony shuddered.

The handbag growled at the rabbit.

"Dorian! Play nice!" AWC stood up. "Lemony, Florence, watch Dorian. I've promised to meet up with Jack and Shadow this afternoon and if I'm late both will be displeased."

"I'll get the choke chain," the owl hooted and flew out a window.

"I'll find the vinegar spray," Lemony replied and hopped into the kitchen.

"Such dramatic mindpets," AWC shook her head. "No matter." She picked up the violent purse and kissed it. "Farewell lil Dorian! Mommy will be back soon."

***
AWC read over the letter again. "That's great, Shadow."

"Great? It doesn't make a bit of sense. Then again, neither do you. No wonder you understand it." Shadow the angry wolf rolled his eyes.

Jack the theif rubbed his mask thoughtfully. "They want to train you to lead your own wolf pack. It's an honor, isn't it?"

"YES, but," Shadow glared at Jack, "I'm an OWL. You know, fly, kill mice, dole out wisdom to less intelligent woodland creatures." He looked from AWC to Jack.

"NO!" AWC clawed at her face and ears. "Noooo..."

The wolf and the thief both stared. "Uh..." they simultaneously questioned in a nonverbal manner.

"Continue," AWC said. "You weren't done ranting, Shadow."

"But you..." Jack started. He shook his head vigorously. "Nevermind."

"Yes..." Shadow's eyes narrowed. "Nevermind..."

"So you're going?" AWC asked.

"Of course I'm going. If they want an owl to lead a wolf pack, what can I say?" He shrugged his furry shoulders which he thought were feathery. "I guess the wolves just aren't cutting it these days."

"You'll be great, Shadow," AWC and Jack both encouraged. "When do you go?"

"In a month or two," The wolf said. "Before I leave I'll have to take care of some business I guess. I don't want the gnomes to have another coup. They try to do that everytime I leave." He shook his head. "I'm surrounded by nonsense and rebellious lawn gnomes. Also, there's Narcissa. She's a troublemaker. She's begun cloning all her favorite television actors so she can have her own army of rampant attractiveosity."

Jack and AWC stared blankly.

"I know. Come to think of it," Shadow rose to his feet, "I should start now."

"Let us help!" Jack said, "I'm sure I could stop Narcissa's army with my robin hood archery skills," he posed an imaginary arrow in an imaginary bowstring, and released. "Pyu! Pyu pyu!"

"Yes, and I could stop the coup by filling every gnome's head with doubt and self-loathing!" AWC grinned. "Suppress the proletariat!!! SUPPRESSS"

"That's enough suppression for you," Shadow said, rolling his eyes again. He really does that quite alot. "Just please don't get into any unreasonable amounts of trouble, okay? I'll see you guys later." With that, he skulked off into the forest.

"Do you think Big Brother heard me?" Jack cringed.

"I sure hope he heard me," AWC smiled. "What a good citizen I am."

"Aren't you an anarchist?" Jack asked.

"No! It's not true Big Brother, honest!" AWC dove underneath a nearby bush. "No!!! Only bad people are anarchists! Like... like... rabid dogs and walruses..."

"Did somebody say Big Brother?" The local friendly wallaby hopped over to the thief and the cowering anonymous writer. In his paws he held a clipboard... to the shock and horror of Jack and AWC, he began to sing.

Would you loan a rebellious fist?
To bring down big bad brother?

Only have to sign your name,
And recommend five others...

Could you help? Please?
What about thee?


At the end of this song, AWC started a slow clap, only to have her hand stopped by Jack. "AWC," he said, "Don't forget. We're shocked and horrified."

"Oh yes, I forgot." AWC laughed nervously. "I love America. Really I do. If I lived in it, I would be really happy I'm sure. But I don't. I live in a magical forest. With other... um... ideas..." She nervously wrung her rabbitears.

"Did someone say America?" Paolo the foreigner snow leopard entered the clearing with a scowl on his face. "Boo. I'm an anglophile. Like all the cool chaps. Wot wot. I like Skins." He sat down next to AWC, then noticing the wallaby, stood up again. "Is that a petition? Is it for a liberal cause?"

"Yes..." the wallaby looked hopeful. "Do you suppose you could sign...?"

"I regret that I do not have poseable thumbs." The snow leopard shrugged. "Sorry, mate."

"There's bad news Paolo," AWC said. "Shadow's going to go away to leadership land, and we'll be lacking in the typical common sense faculties for an extended period of time." She hmmed and frowned. "Actually," she said, "nevermind. I'm quite used to this and so I don't believe it qualifies as bad newsdom."

"Actually," Paolo's eyes lit up, "I sense oncoming liberalism... yaaay... libbeeerrraaaaaallliiiissssm..."

"All I sense is medicinal M-J," Mary-anne the maneater said, jumping out of a nearby bush. Maneaters frequent bushes. It's good cover. It covers them from the prying eyes of men who do not want to be eaten. Thanks to the bushes, they think they're safe. They lie out on beach towels, happily trying to tan in the dark forest. Then comes the maneater. Then she eats them. They're delicious.

Narrator: Sorry. I'll admit I went too far with the awkwardosity.
AWC: Maybe a little.
Mary-anne: Stop making me hungry.
Narrator: Sorry....

"Medicinal mahjong???" AWC exclaimed. "This is just plain wrong! It's against my beliefs. Stand for this we must not! Dangerous asian games!" She scurried away from the group. "I've got to run home," she called back. "I'm going to make signs. First thing tomorrow, we will begin the protest! I don't want my darling pet rabbit being forced to play games of skill, strategy, calculation, and possibly chance!"

~ ~ ~

"Stay away..." Lemony the rabbit warned, holding a large metal towel rack in a defensive stance across his chest. "Do not me attack you with this towel hanger thing!"

Dorian the handbag cackled pursey laughter as it slowly advanced upon the terrified rabbit.

"Oh, look at my wrist, I'm late!" Lemony jumped up and scampered off, trying to make his way through the heaps of garbage that the raging purse had left lying all over the zen pagoda floor. "I'm late! I'm late! For a very important... Florence!"

Florence flew in the window, weilding the famed hello kitty fire extinguisher.

"Florence, you came back for me!" The rabbit hopped up onto the coffee table. The purse staggered over to it Samara-style and jumped up repeatedly trying to nab the little bunny.

"Mlhm... Mlahem, Mlahh!" Florence encouraged with the nozzle in his beak. He shook his head back and forth, and white foam spewed from the fire extinguisher, straight at the crazed but oh so stylish purse.

"Yum yum..." Dorian the wild purse was mumbling at its lapine quarry, when its creepy calls were drowned out by the gush of the chemical fire eliminator. "Not yum! NOT YUM... angry angry..."

"Hey what's going on?"

Lemony and Florence looked over to the window that Florence had left open. Peering through said window were the faces of Moe the Giraffe, and Raven the Raven.

"Nevermore...?" The raven questioned wisely.

"Wow. That purse definitely looks kind of evil." Moe stuck his long giraffey neck further through the window. "Hey, mindfriends of the anonymous one, whose wild purse is that?"

"AWC's!" Lemony yelled, jumping just out of reach of the purse's snapping jaws. "Its name is Dorian... I think CUJO would have suited it better!"

"Guy names," Moe mused. "That wild purse definitely does not look male to me."

"Yeah, well neither does Hannah Montana," Raven said. "But she keeps telling us she's got the best of both worlds, so I guess we don't know, do we? Nevermore."

"Haha, touche on behalf of both Hannah and Miley!" Moe said gleefully.

"Um..." Florence was trying to fend off Dorian by pushing gusts of wind at it with his wings, but it wasn't working. "Some help guys?!"

"Oh sure," Moe offered, tossing a fluffy pillow in through the window. "Use this to fight off the beast!"

Florence went to grab the pillow, but Dorian bit it first. Feathers flew everywhere, throughout the zen pagoda. The door flew open, and AWC stormed inside, only to be met by a storm of feathers to the face.

"This can only mean one thing," she growled. AWC stomped over to where the wild purse was now cowering from its master under the table, and she yanked it out by the italian leather handles. "EDWARD! You disguised yourself as a purse to stalk me!"

"It was the prettiest thing I could find to disguise myself as," the purse moaned. "Something worthy of my immortal beauty. So rare. So italian leather. I even smell good... for no reason! However, as a purse, my magic is severely limited, and I've found that I can't change myself back!" The wild purse began to sob. "I just wanted to hug your bunny rabbit, and it was so afraid, it ran! I'll never get loved by innocent victims... I mean... objects of my love... ever again!"

The purse sobbed, while AWC reluctantly petted it. "there there. Be this as a lesson to you, Edward, don't go looking through volturi spellbooks for transfiguration recipes. You'll end up as an overpriced italian item every time."

"I know that now," the handbag said through tears. "Can I still stay here?"

"NO!" Florence and Lemony shouted simultaneously.

"I'll keep you on a chain in the yard, okay?" AWC said. "I'll take you for walks frequently, and out there, Bill can keep an eye on you. If there's anyone more immortally sketchy than Edward, it's Bill Kaulitz." She frowned. "And Edward is a cheesy name. You're going to stay Dorian."

"Dorian..." the purse mused.

"That's right." AWC turned to the crowd. "Now... WHO MADE THIS BIG MESS?"



AWC: I did?
Narrator: No. That was just a Big Comfy Couch reference that nobody's gonna get.
Crickets: Ka-CHIRP
Dorian: I wonder what gnome blood tastes like. Is it better than heroin?
Mary-Anne: Medicinal M-J <3
Paolo: Ah... liberals...
Lemony: Liberals? Oh, so THAT's what mutant transfigured hungry purses are called?
Shadow: Yes, Lemony.
Raven: I bet you're not gonna guess what I'm gonna say next. Oh snap you did! Nevermore! That's right!
Moe: Political controversy!
AWC: (eyes squinted shut) apples apples apples apples...

Narrator: More political controversy in every episode means the plot must be getting thicker! Oh, and why did AWC randomly scream in the converstion with her wolf and bandit friends? (*shuffles through pages of script*) I can only figure it was because she was talking to a bandit and a wolf.

Chapter Eighteen ~ Happiness is a glue gun

Another day of twisting, curly tendrils of time wrapped tightly around AWC's ankles as she sat in the silence place. "If I had thicker socks I might slip them off," she said to herself inside her brain, "If I had thicker socks and longer hair."


Quietness hung around dangerously. "What a knot I'm in," she explained as the rain began to fall in heavy bouquets. "While the world around is so pretty."

Elton John came and sat down beside her. "You know what movie was good?" He asked.

"What?" AWC asked, looking up at him and knowing that a grain of pure wisdom was on it's way.

"Australia. With Nicole Kidman."

"You're only saying that because you contributed music to the soundtrack," AWC said, "you're just trying to get publicity through my published thoughts." She frowned. "Stop that!"

"Stop what?"

"Trying to worm your way into the minds of the nonexistant readers I don't know about!"

"What are you talking about?"

AWC glared. "Get out of my dreams now!"

Elton John grinned. "NEVER! Would you like a cupcake?"

***

"NOOOO!" AWC woke up screaming on the floor of her zen pagoda. The first thing she noticed once she had comforted her terrified pet rabbit was the shadow of a face in the window. She almost dropped the half filled mug of coffee she was holding up to Lemony's rabbity lips, but realized in time that it was only one of the lawn gnome substitutes.

"Stop watching me sleep, Bill!" AWC exclaimed. "It's creepy!"

"But I miss you!" Bill Kaulitz replied. "You never spend hours gazing at my hair anymore."

"I've moved on!" AWC said.

"To whom, Elton John? Yes that's right. I know you dream about Elton John. I heard you sleeptalk!"

"Oh my Oprah! You're even worse than Edward Cullen!" AWC frowned and tsk-tsked. "That kid really wanted to live on my lawn. Then eat me. He said something about me being his own brand of mutton or something. I never really could make sense of anything he said."

"But I'm different!" Bill cried, "you said we'd last forever!"

"Forever turned out to be longer than I thought." AWC shrugged. "Go figure."

A howl resonated from somewhere in the woods around the pagoda. "I could always eat him!" Boomed the voice of Shadow the angry wolf who thinks he's an owl. "He'd never ever bother you ever again. You'd just have to get someone to clean up the pellets after. I can hack up some real gross ones sometimes."

AWC and Lemony wrinkled their noses in disgust simultaneously. "I wonder what he pukes when he thinks he's puking pellets," Lemony whispered.

"Why oh why would you ever ask yourself that question?" AWC mourned. "Masochist rabbit! Those mental images are going to haunt you your entire life!"

"Not really. But the ones of Elton John's muffin will."

"IT WAS A CUPCAKE, OKAY?"

Another howl echoed, closer. "I'm really going to eat him guys!"

"SAVE ME!" Bill Kaulitz hammered on the window with his fists.

"AWC?" Sally wandered into the room and sat on the floor next to Lemony and AWC. "Why's Shadow gotta be so mean all the time? Coldhearted wolves scare me!"

"Now, now, he's not mean," AWC comforted. "Just really, really, really hungry."

"Oh." Sally frowned. "There was something I was supposed to tell you but I forgot."

"I'M REALLY GOING TO EAT HIM!"

"Shadow!" AWC called out, "not today!"

"CAN I EAT HIM TOMORROW?"

"No," AWC said, "Now go clean your pellets up! Go!"

In the window, Bill Kaultiz was smiling confidently, because tears of joy would not have been very manly in that situation and he was afraid for his forest position.

"What do you look so happy about?" AWC said, "I still think we need to take a break. Emo tunes aren't good for me right now."

"But what about my hair?" Bill pouted. "You love my hair."

"Oh, Bill, your hair will always be wonderful. But right now I need time to focus on just me. Understand?"

Bill nodded sadly.

"That was awful nice of you," Lemony said.

"Yeah," AWC replied, then whispered, "I couldn't really bear to lose him."

"Bear! That's what I was supposed to tell you!" Sally slapped her forehead. "Henri is spending the night at Mary-Anne's..."

"NO WAY!" AWC leapt to her feet. "I can't believe this! That maneater is sleeping with my bear AGAIN!"

"Well," Lemony reasoned, "she IS a maneater..."

"Which is why I thought my BEAR would be safe..." AWC growled.

"I think you need to invest in more loyal bears," Sally said.

"Baby come back!" a cheesy song began to play just outside the zen pagoda window. "You can blame it all on me!"

"Bill! I need my space!" AWC yelled as she stomped towards the door.

"RUN, BILL, RUN!" Lemony and Sally chorused.

"Eh, he's not gonna make it," Elton John chuckled.

Narrator: Oh wait. Elton John wasn't there. Quick! *roots through scrapped ideas on several loose pages* I need to find some sort of summary that will adequately fix plot-holes, eliminate all the out-of-character actions by characters, add a character or two in because basically no one was in chapter eighteen...
Paolo: That's not my fault! I was visiting Sakuraville!
Dragon Lady: That's not my fault either! I was visiting St. Anarchy's!
The Tome of Superiority: Nothing can ever be my fault. I'm the tome of Superiority, which clearly indicates, well, my superiority. But anyway, I had a date.
Mary-Anne: I was busy sleeping with Henri!
AWC: GRRRRRRRR
Shadow: I was busy trying on random clothing items at the store and taking pictures of how good they made me look.
Jack: It's a good thing for his self confidence that "good" is all relative!
Forget-me-not: I was forgotten.
Moe: I was watching a film with Zac Efron in it.
Dexter: I was trying to compose a plan with which I would sneakily take Bill's place as lawn gnome substitute <3<3<3 (I like to kill the bad people. And really, his hair is extremely sinister.)
Raven: To be, or not to be? To worship, in one way, or another? Who is Love Himself? More interestingly, WHY is Love Himself? Everyone knows where. Everywhere.
Narrator: You know what? Maybe I should interview Gaara of the Desert for the l.g.s. position.
AWC: Narrator! I can handle my own life!
Narrator: apparently you can't.
AWC: This is SO UNFAIR!!!
Narrator: This is SO off topic...
Bill: Baby come back...